Jesus Forgave Stephen Collins, Everybody, It’s All Better Now!

December 18th, 2014 // 17 Comments
Stephen Collins
Okay, I Molested Those Kids
Stephen Collins
But Only Those Three Times I Got Caught On Tape. Honest! Read More »

As Stephen Collins continues his public tour to just explain to people that he only molested three kids, so it’s really not that bad, one of his victims has come forward and justifiably shat all over his claims that it was just a “spontaneous touching” and apologizing to them personally would just reopen old wounds and be more damaging to them. Stephen Collins is very concerned about them. The former children he molested. TMZ reports:

The woman who was just 10 when Stephen Collins molested her and placed her hand on his penis says she’s not buying his belated apology.
The woman — now in her 50s — is telling family members, “Stephen is minimizing the incident. It was not just a spontaneous touching … that aggression resulted in him ejaculating.”
She also scoffs at Collins decision not to apologize to her and another one of his victims, saying, “His assertion that he wanted to avoid reopening an old wound seems nonsensical to me.”
She doesn’t believe there are only 3 victims — the ones he confessed to on audio.

Except clearly this woman isn’t a God-fearing Christian like Stephen who’s already been forgiven by Jesus, so it’s practically a sin to keep bringing all of this up again. And in public of all places. This should be something he handles in private. He’s the real victim here. PEOPLE reports: More »

Bill Cosby Paid ‘Fat Albert’ Writers To Write His Doctoral Thesis

December 18th, 2014 // 26 Comments
Bill Cosby
What's With This Family?
Evin Cosby
Rape Accusers Should Go To Jail? JESUS Read More »

After obtaining his doctoral degree from UMass, Bill Cosby made it a point to be an extra special asshole about it and demanded everyone refer to him as “Dr. Cosby” even though the validity of that degree was being called into question as early as 1985. Which didn’t stop him from berating an African-American football player to the point of tears for not getting a 4.0 when he graduated from Notre Dame. But since then, the Washington Post did some digging into Cosby’s bullshit degree and found out he basically received credit for being on Sesame Street and The Electric Company and only had to write a dissertation about Fat Albert And The Cosby Kids, his own TV show. Except he couldn’t even do that because last night The Simpsons co-creator Sam Simon tweeted that Cosby paid two Fat Albert writers to write his thesis. Via Death and Taxes: More »

Alessandra Ambrosio Topless And Stripping Down To Her Panties, Anyone?

December 18th, 2014 // 5 Comments

I’ve got posts about a child molester and an alleged rapist coming up, so for something less depressing here’s Alessandra Ambrosio stripping for LOVE Magazine’s Advent 2014 which means Lindsay Lohan‘s shitty video was sandwiched between a world-class supermodel and Emily Ratajkowski making it even more shitty because Kirk Cameron was right, the Christ-child is real and getting presents is the most important part of the season. To Walmart! *dumps over Salvation Army bucket* BABY JESUS SAYS MONEY’S FOR PLAYSTATIONS!

Alessandra Ambrosio Stripping For LOVE Advent 2014 After The Jump

Madonna Compares Album Leak To ‘Rape’ And ‘Terrorism’ Because Madonna

December 18th, 2014 // 18 Comments
Madonna
Those Are Madonna's Nipples
Madonna Topless Nipples
You Want To Talk About Terror? I'll Show You Terror Read More »

For the past month and a half, there’s been a prominent discussion highlighting the trouble women go through to have their rape accusations taken seriously, and just two days ago the Taliban attacked a school in Pakistan leaving over 140 children dead, so naturally the air was right for Madonna to equate something inconvenient happening to her with both of those at the same time because old people stop giving a shit around 70 and say whatever they want. It’s what makes them adorable. Via E! News:

She expressed some real frustration, though, with a controversial follow-up Instagram post (which has since been deleted). In it, she wrote, “This is artistic rape!! These are early leaked demo’s half of which wont even make it on my album the other half have changed and evolved.”
“This is a form of terrorism,” she went on. “Wtf!!!! Why do people want to destroy artistic process??? Why steal? Why not give me the opportunity to finish and give you my very best?”

In related news, Camille Cosby just issued the following statement: “See? This is exactly what I’m talking about. Anybody can just say they were raped, so now it’s time to face the facts here: My husband should be allowed to drown these women in a lake because clearly having a vagina makes you hysterical. He was your father on TV!”

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Photos: Instagram

Nicki Minaj’s Nipple Was On TV!

December 18th, 2014 // 22 Comments

A major American film studio completely caved to North Korea-sponsored hackers essentially putting unprecedented power into the hands of anyone who can access rich people’s emails, but that was 10 minutes ago. Now it’s all about Nicki Minaj’s nipple slip provided you count 1/4th of an areola as a nipple which the Internet does because it doesn’t have time to quibble over semantics. Show it the boob parts! In the meantime, what movie would the nipple like us to cancel? I’m pretty sure that’s how this works, and might have already left a suspicious package at a showing of The Hobbit. (It’s just an old alarm clock tied to some C4. Relax.)

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Photo: Instagram

Sony Cancelled ‘The Interview’ Because of North Korea or Something

December 18th, 2014 // 61 Comments
The Interview James Franco Seth Rogen
'Spoiled Brat'
Angelina Jolie New Boobs Jack OConnell 18th Annual Hollywood Film Awards
The Sony Leaked Emails Have Some Shit To Say Read More »

If you somehow haven’t heard by now, Sony Pictures cancelled The Interview, an upcoming comedy where James Franco and Seth Rogen assassinate Kim Jong-un, after a bunch of hackers called the “Guardians of The Galaxy” or some bullshit said the words 9/11 which naturally caused every theater chain in America to shit their pants without once considering the capability of orchestrating a nation-wide attack on every cinema across the country. Plus it’s not like these fuckers could get easy access to firearms. What kind of insane asylum would that be? Anyway, with nobody willing to show the film, and our own government now saying North Korea is “centrally involved” with the hacks, Sony had no choice but to back out (while also collecting a shitload of insurance money by also axing VOD), and basically set a horrible precedent going forward that probably still won’t stop another Transformers movie, so it’s even worse than we thought. On top of that, now I have to read fat, white shitheads on social media saying we should go to war over a fucking movie instead of reading their blanket support of torture in between pro-life Bible quotes. Which is really the only part I care about because it’s affecting me on a personal level. Why are you making me read the dumb I don’t want to read when I just want that other dumb? Anyway, I honestly don’t have much else to say about this horseshit, so here’s a great Vice interview with cyber security expert Peter W. Singer which is definitely worth a read and contained this money quote:

It is mind-boggling to me, particularly when you compare it to real things that have actually happened. Someone killed 12 people and shot another 70 people at the opening night of Batman: The Dark Knight [Rises]. They kept that movie in the theaters. You issue an anonymous cyber threat that you do not have the capability to carry out? We pulled a movie from 18,000 theaters.

And to cap things off, here’s the scene from The Interview where Kim Jong-un gets his head blown off because I’m basically daring someone to secretly turn my webcam on and broadcast me masturbating to the Internet. So when that happens, just know that it is definitely porn on my screen, and I have no idea where the Care Bears theme song is coming from. They added that in, those terrorists bastards. AMERICA!

Kim Jong-un’s Head Exploding After The Jump

Good Morning, Colleen Shannon, And Other News

December 18th, 2014 // 5 Comments

- Selena Gomez came down with the drama in front of Beyonce. Girlfriennnddd… [Lainey Gossip]

- Nicki Minaj is going to blow up dickheads. [Fishwrapper]

- The time Alex Trebek almost quit Jeopardy because he was asked to have feelings. [Dlisted]

- Wake Up With Jennifer [theCHIVE]

- Pat Robertson thinks gay people will go extinct because they can’t reproduce. [The Frisky]

- When did Rachel Bilson get breasts? [WWTDD]

- How to react to catching your husband fucking your twin. [Death and Taxes]

- Miranda Kerr in lingerie, anyone? [Popoholic]

- Alyssa Barbara still has huge awesome breasts. [Hollywood Tuna]

- How do I get Nina Agdal under my Christmas tree? Without Cosbying her. No Cosbying. [COED]

- Porn Stars reading “How The Grinch Stole Christmas.” [DrunkenStepfather: Site is NSFW]

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Photos: Fame/Flynet

Bertney & The Amazing Computer Magicked Bikini

December 17th, 2014 // 22 Comments

Bertney And The Amazing Computer Magicked Berkini Belly
A Positive Reinforcement Reader

It was a very special day for Bertney. She was at the courthouse seeing the nice old judge who always had the best news to tell Papa.
“Well, Mr. Spears,” the judge said from his very tall wooden seat. “After watching the surveillance footage you so generously provided, I shudder to think what would happen if Ms. Spears were permitted to make decisions for herself. She’s yours for another year!” And with that he banged his tiny little hammer, and Bertney clapped and giggled. It was her favorite part.
“Does that mean we get to live together forever?” Bertney asked Papa excitedly.
“Yes, it does,” Papa said with a very tired smile. Bertney wondered if he was getting enough sleep. “Now, let’s get you ready for your swimsuit pictures. We’re already running behind.” More »

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