Dina Lohan’s Mystery Illness Kept Her From Lindsay’s 30th Birthday

“Is it cocaine? Oh, thank you, this will go perfect will all my other cocaine!”

Dina Lohan’s been in the hospital with a mystery illness for days and while everyone of course is thinking alcohol toxicity and/or AIDS, I have my own suspicions. There is no way Dina wasn’t the architect of Operation Ruskie Blow, a mission so successful it’s very nearly resulted in Lindsay’s no-prenup marriage to the heir of a Russian fortune. But you don’t infiltrate the motherland like that and expect there not to be consequences, which means the Tarabasovs have definitely had this conversation.

“Father, you must belief me. I try escape but her mouth is everywhere. I turn door handle, boom, pants around ankles. I grab car keys, shazam, fingers already in butt. It is like magic trick.”
“They leave me no choice. I go old school KGB on them.”
“Father, no! Not poison in gin!”
“Poison in gin.”

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Photo: Xposure / AKM-GSI