The Paparazzi Made Dina Lohan Drive Drunk

October 23rd, 2013 // 32 Comments
Goddammit, Stevie
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Dina Lohan was arrested for DUI back in September, and in that time she’s managed to hire Lindsay’s old moron lawyer Mark Heller who’s now using his moron skills to blame the paparazzi for Dina’s DUI. And, no, not for chasing her or causing a life-threatening situation, but just for existing in general which is the sole purpose for why she drinks and not, oh I dunno, let’s say alcoholism. TMZ reports:

Here’s the argument … Dina’s lifestyle presents lots of challenges and stress, brought on by the barrage of photogs that follow her. Those stresses caused Dina to down enough alcohol to register a .20 blood alcohol level as she tooled down the road. Short story — it’s our fault, not hers.
You may remember Heller. He was literally run out of L.A. after getting fired in the Lindsay Lohan shoplifting case.

In related news, Mark Heller has agreed to take my case and will now sue “all the women” for withholding sexual intercourse causing me to drink heavily and drive haphazardly through elementary schools. There were children in there! How could you?! *runs away crying*

Photos: Bauer-Griffin, Fame/Flynet, INFdaily, Pacific Coast News, Splash News, WENN


  1. ThisWillHurt

    I would’ve guessed that Heller would point out the “real” culprit in this case, which would be Russia for inventing vodka. That’s what I get for not going to law school.

  2. It appears that being an attorney in California is based solely on the ability to tell the most outlandish lie without a smirk on your face.

    • Heller is actually not licensed as a lawyer in California, and required another attorney to vouch for him while he was representing Lindsay.

      He is only licensed to practice law in New York, where his license was suspended for five years where the ” Appellate Division’s First Judicial Department charged Mr. Heller with deceit, puffery, abusive treatment of clients, fee gouging, neglect and willful failure to return unearned retainers to his clients”.

      He does seem the type to fit right in with the Lohans.

  3. Lindsay Lohan Drunk Dina Lohan NYE
    Commented on this photo:

    Perhaps we could hurry this along. Someone give them grain alcohol, so they can just get it the hell over with, and I don’t have to watch it on TV anymore.

    (Holy shit, I’m a dick. Ah fuck it, Submit it is.)

  4. Lindsay Lohan Drunk Dina Lohan NYE
    Commented on this photo:

    Meh. The more I look at these pictures the more I just feel pity for her. Her life will not end well.

  5. JoeBB

    Well, I guess it is pretty stressful when you’re pimping your kids for vicarious fame. There are all those nasty people saying you’re a terrible parent, all those annoying restaurants and hotels that won’t accept “My daughter is famous” in lieu of payment, and all those cops who get all pissy when you ask them “DO YOU KNOW WHO THE FUCK I AM, YOU NOBODY?”

    • There is only one kid she can attach herself to like a lamprey to feed on the fame scraps. And that kid has a fingernail’s grasp on even tabloid fame. The other daughter is an non-famous anorexic that will eventually simply blow away.

      Her disappearance will make her famous so naturally Dina and Michael will sell her baby clothes on Ebay once they remember her name and decide on the split.

  6. Lindsay Lohan Drunk Dina Lohan NYE
    Commented on this photo:

    “No Lindsay, that’s not an earthquake. Its gravity. Now sober up FFS.”

  7. Lindsay Lohan Drunk Dina Lohan NYE
    Commented on this photo:

    Next time lay off the cheap tequila,

  8. Lindsay Lohan Drunk Dina Lohan NYE
    Commented on this photo:

    That’s the half lidded, plowed off her ass, reeking of the sour scent of alcohol and perfume mixed, completely convinced of her own sensuality and infallibility look.

    Usually ends in one of two ways.
    1) Waking up next to someone you’re pretty sure you have no desire to talk to. Ever.
    2) Walking up in the back of a pickup truck, on the road to Kentucky, because your retarded squadmate decided he absolutely had to see his girlfriend, even though you are only on a 72 hour leave, and its way out of bounds, while it rains on the tarp someone tossed over you as you slept off the twelve walk me downs you had at the karoke bar, singing that stupid song “God Bless America” because you’re 21 and amazingly stupid, when it suddenly occurs to you, that in your drunken stupor you proposed to the one woman, you absolutely had no business sleeping with, much less having an extended relationship with, only now she’s picking out rings and window dressings and naming your three kids…… and that’s when reality comes crashing in, and you swear never to drink again. At least till next week…

    Just sayin….

  9. Cock Dr

    Gawd, I hope I am wrong but I think I used to know her lawyer back in HS. The photos I have seen of him does make this plausible as his face is somewhat ….um….memorable.
    It doesn’t make sense to me that the Mark Heller I knew isn’t dead or in jail. Therefore it does seem plausible that somehow he could have gotten mixed up with the Lohans.
    Can anyone on the blog provide his background info? Did he grow up in Fairfax County VA? If this is true Dina is even more completely and utterly fucked than anyone could even imagine.

  10. schmidtler

    I saw some bit on tv the other night about the guy that owned the Houston Oilers, he died this week. One of his quotes was something like ‘you haven’t failed in life until you start blaming others for your failures’. Seems to apply here.

  11. Lindsay Lohan Drunk Dina Lohan NYE
    Commented on this photo:

    Dina: “Fifty men at once sweetie? Are you sure? That’s a bit much, even for me-”
    Lindsay: “Step back Mom, I’ve got this.”

  12. Going forward, every time lindsay fucks up, she should plead that she’s not responsible for her actions as she’s under the influence of a dina.

  13. If only Linds and Dina didn’t waste their time drinking! Then they’d be able to unify quantum mechanics and general relativity, and we could definitively blame everything on the Big Bang.

  14. Lindsay Lohan Drunk Dina Lohan NYE
    Hugh G. Rection
    Commented on this photo:

    All things considered, Lindsay actually turned out much better than anyone had reason to expect.

  15. Lindsay Lohan Drunk Dina Lohan NYE
    Commented on this photo:

    Kate Gosselin with the secret septuplet, Cokey

  16. At the end of the day, all that matters is, how many of us would have a mother-daughter threesome with these two?

  17. They do understand that their usual stance of blaming all of their poor behavior on paparazzi (known in legal circles as “The Lohan”) doesn’t play in a case with indisputable facts, right?
    Did you drink enough alcohol to be legally intoxicated? Yes. Did you then drive a motor vehicle? Yes. Did you then prove legally intoxicated on either a breathalyzer or blood test when stopped for erratic or dangerous driving? Yes.

    Guilty. Next.

    • I don’t know, man. That seems too cut and dried for Hollywood Justice™.

    • You do understand your logic and the law does not actually apply in Hollywood. Unfortunately for Dina her arrest was not there so she is pretty screwed.

    • I thought she got busted in New York? If I’m wrong and it was in L.A. forget everything I said above. The courts in L.A. will not only let her go but offer her a cash settlement for her trouble. She will ask to be paid in blow and they will acquiesce.

  18. Hey George, Watch Out!

    How can these bitches have so much money but still look low rent. For fucks sake, those coats they’re wearing look like something right out of the wardrobe for “shaft”.

  19. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry. The paps made her do it? You mean it wasn’t the Devil?

  20. Lindsay Lohan Drunk Dina Lohan NYE
    Commented on this photo:

    At least they aren’t driving.

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