Welcome to the new The Superficial!
This is the reason I’ve been cutting out early this week and not because of my debilitating drinking problem. (Entirely.) I’d like to be like Kim Kardashian and take credit for everything that happened here, but I’ve never been urinated on, so huge thanks to Ron, Adam and Greg who practically killed themselves to make my dick jokes look pretty. Apparently you can do things with computers besides ogle tits. I had no idea.
So What’s New?
- The site received a much needed Brazilian wax while still maintaining all those classic curves you said you loved even though you were visiting other sites. (Cheater.) She also moves faster which means you can be twice as unproductive at work. You’re welcome, American economy!
- The picture galleries are improved in ways that still let you see nipples. I don’t see any point in elaborating further.
- Commenting is an all new sexy beast. You can create your own profile, see what posts you’ve left comments on AND directly reply to other comments. No more typing “@25 why don’t you shut the fuck up, darkie.” Haha! You kids and your anonymous racism.
- Oh, and less Spam. But don’t worry, you can always ask me where to find cheap boner pills and I promise not to laugh at you for more than five minutes. — Make it 10.
- Improved Bikini gallery. I probably should’ve made that the front page of the site, but journalistic integrity was never my strong suit.
- A new “Dirt” category which cuts right to the gossip without having to sift through bikini pics. I hope the three of you that applies to have a blast.
That about covers it. In the meantime, apologies in advance for any bugs or hiccups as we slowly roofie this baby into unconscious submission. (I really need to pick better metaphors.) Look for new little tweaks and polishes to appear over time, particularly something an annoying amount of you has asked for: A mobile version of The Superficial. All those friends and neighbors you’re going to stab for a new iPhone 4 won’t die in vain. Unless you get the white one. No one likes the white one.
You may now comment on how gay everything looks,
- The Superficial