Dick Clark Finally Died (1802 – 2012)

April 18th, 2012 // 88 Comments
Dick Clark
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Provided he was ever really alive and/or not-a-cyborg. (See: above.)

So remember how I said “good” when Andrew Breitbart died because he was a horrible piece of shit? Well, consider me saying “good” again for Dick Clark dying, only this time in a more sympathetic, thank God they’re not going to use puppetry to make the poor bastard’s jaw move on another New Year’s Eve special and now the man can finally rest in peace and dignity. — Eh, who am I kidding? See you in December, Dick!

[Ed. Note: So we're all in agreement that "massive heart attack" is doctor talk for Ryan Seacrest coating a flight of stairs with lube? Okay, good. - SW]

Photo: Getty

superficial

  1. Dude, Dick Clark wasn’t 210 years old.

  2. Frank Burns

    1802 – lol! The down side of this is that now we are left with the likes of Ryan Seacrest and Carson Daly. Gonna have to start drinking the first week in December if I’m going to sit through those two running the New Year Eve shows.

  3. Colin

    I’m just surprised to hear that he was alive on New Year’s.

  4. Neal

    Statler & Wal-dwarf I presume

  5. Burbon

    Who got all his gold?

    • Yaya

      what? how am I suppose to know who this old man is?

      I’m guessing all of you are really old. Which makes it extra gross since the site is filled with pictures of young women. ewww

      • Frank Burns

        This website is at least PG-13, so why don’t you come back in five years and see if you like it better then.

      • kimmykimkim

        Hahahahaha!!

      • Brooke

        If you seriously don’t know who Dick Clark is, you either hibernate in the winter and miss every New Years since ever, or you are a tiny person who escapes breastfeeding sessions with Mommy to look at bikinis before it’s time to go to daycare.

      • kimmykimkim

        It’s so funny to go back and read yaya’s comments now that we know she’s 8. Haha! Oh, it’s good stuff!

      • forrest gump

        wait there are eight year old here?

      • Fuck off, forrest.

      • Yes, connected to a resource that is basically the compilation of all human knowledge, by what possible means could you determine who this Dick Clark fellow is? If only there were some way?!?!

      • Yaya

        I did google but I still don’t get who he is suppose to be. I did however discover that he is a Sagittarius.

      • That’s it! He was the oldest Sagittarius in the world (a secret Zodiac king, in fact, who made an annual appearance at New Year’s Eve), and now we’ll have to figure out who will take his place. His successor will, of course, be given a clueless and moronic fool to entertain him with his brainless antics all during the rest of the year. I nominate you.

      • Don’t worry Yaya. Soon you’ll start getting hair in funny places and start thinking about boys.

  6. Here comes the Dick Clark hologram with Snoop Dog on New Year’s Eve…

  7. Ruckus

    Has anyone considered that this could mean Seacrest hosting the rockin new years until the year 2062, if he lives as long as Clark did?

  8. Johnny P!

    Oh, Seacrest Showgirls’ed him all right!

  9. Mike Walker

    Goodnight, funnyman.

  10. Beltliner

    Well there you have it. The Mayans were right… without Dick Clark to drop the ball on New Years, the world will definitely end before 2012 is up.

  11. Pity. I was just learning how to speak stroke.

  12. Angie

    Too bad. In recent years he’s done probably the best “Sylvester the Cat” impression I’ve ever heard.

  13. Batman

    Seacrest is always so happy to have his hands on Dick.

  14. Yoyoma

    I heard a radio bit from a year or two ago of his new year’s eve special. It was super awkward to hear. There are better ways to do that. RIP.

  15. Man, oh man, Seacrest has a good face for slapping.

  16. 1802 is obviously wrong. He was a Leftenant in the War of 1812. Sheesh, read Wikipedia every once in a while, Fish.

  17. rican

    He is survived by his face lifts

  18. Archie Leach

    Why do the irrelevant become relevant after they die?

  19. dooood

    too soon? lol

  20. Richard McBeef

    The sharp pain of losing a loved one is considerable dulled when you have had a decade to come to terms with the fact they died a decade ago.

  21. Cock Dr

    If Dick Clark Inc probably had him record New Year”s Eve messages for the next 100 years.
    RIP old man.

  22. Peed In Your Drink

    Seacrest coated Dick’s stairs with lube? I didn’t realize he ever left home without his butt-plug.

  23. That New Years Eve shit was painful to watch.
    Stay classy, ABC!

    RIP

  24. Disgusted that you're an ass.

    The man died. Fuck you for writing it as a joke.

    • dooood

      i remember tosh said somethin like -
      “i’m not going to guess what your personal line of decency is. i cross my own from time to time. its how i know i still have one.”

    • Archie Leach

      Whoa! Someone is a newbie to this site.

  25. Michelle

    I agree! Someone died and there is nothing funny about it at all.

  26. pissykat

    A low-lying creep piece of crap wrote the trash in this article….if you can even call it that much

    • Joaquin ingles

      These outraged commenters are hilarious. Are you guys scouring the entire Internet for eulogies or something?

      • This site is called the Superficial. What did you expect? There are plenty of other websites if you want serious shit. Go over there for that . Leave the shit-talking to us.

  27. El Jefe

    R.I.P. Dick.

    I would rather watch a hologram Dick Clark than that piece of shit Ryan Seacrest any day.

  28. Meow

    I love Fish, madly.

  29. Disrespectful much?

    Wow. This site has truly stooped to a whole new low. Fuck the entire lot of you.

    Humor site? Not hardly. This man was responsible for fixing race relations in this country when they needed it most. A headline like this is classless. Go fuck yourself, Fish. He deserves better.

    If the people who posted those comments above are the future, we’re fucking doomed.

    Fuck every single one of you. And I hope you never have to care for a parent after a stroke or heart attack. Not that any of you over-privileged pieces of shit ever would.

    • Frank Burns

      Thanks for stopping by.

    • Meow

      Rofl, you’re so mad it’s hilarious. People like you will thankfully die off early due to high blood pressure and head explosion.

    • Today, specifically by implying that Dick Clark was 210 years old, has the site gone too far?

      I’m willing to bet that you’ve laughed heartily at the jokes at Lindsay Lohan or David Hasselhoff or Kate Gosselin’s expense, but this particular issue somehow strikes close to home and all of a sudden it’s disrespectful and crosses the line..

      While I might not like 100% of the jokes that get made here, I can put on my big boy pants and accept the site for what it is. If it bothered me that much, I’d simply move on.

      So, fuck me? No, fuck you for being a hypocrite.

    • Lighten up, Francis.

    • Colostomy Bag

      he fixed race relations by not allowing black & white teenagers to mingle while dancing on his show in the 50s, but instead waited for the tide to trun before he did so in the 60s? What a ground breaking attitude he harboured, he waited for the tide to shift, rather than acted to shift the tide. Great role model.

    • Angie

      Why would you care for a parent after a heart attack or stroke? That’s what nursing homes are for…..duh.

  30. Maggs

    We all die, every one of us. Wasn’t like he cured cancer and even he had, we ALL DIE. Get a grip people.

  31. kimmykimkim

    But he’s still going to host New Year’s Eve this year, right?

    • Richard McBeef

      certainly. i heard the disney imagineers finally solved that software problem that was slurring speech and desynchronizing the countdown.

  32. AAPL made me rich!

    AAPL made me Dick Clark rich!!!

  33. Jim D

    When someone dies, respect the memory of who they were and the good things they accomplished. Only a weak, cold-hearted, insensitive person would direct horrible comments to someone’s memory when they were not alive to defend those remarks.

  34. Archie Leach

    Hmmmm…… obviously a newbie that doesn’t have a clue what this website is about.

  35. mitch

    sometimes you’re funny, but sometimes, you’re a real dumbshit. I guess that’s what sells.

  36. Kodos

    you’re still a piece of shit, Fish

  37. Fuck you Fish, fuck you and the horse you rode in on

    Seeing as Fish works for the same people that run the Kardashian’s web-sites [Buzz Media] I’m sure he’s happy to hear that Merv’s butt-boy Seacrest won’t have any competion on NYE. There are some things that just aren’t funny, and this is a sterling example.

  38. King Diamond

    1802? Wtf is wrong with you. Your off. Don’t age him that much. He’s much younger. 1806.

  39. rockthrowinghipster

    You covered all the bases on the puppetry and age jokes but maybe 2012 is thee end lol.

  40. goochonline.com

    That poor thing. He looks confused and probably has no idea where he is. Dick Clark, on the other hand, looks very lucid.

  41. Schmidtler

    wow, what will they do for NYE from now on? who, who is out there that can count down from ten, and make jackassey observations about how crowded Times Square is? oh yeah, fucking ANYONE can do that. and probably without looking like an animatronic half dead retard with a speech impediment.

  42. quickrick

    not bad for 210…

  43. So the Devil finally came to collect…

  44. What the fuck is wrong with Ryan Seacrest’s face? That smile makes me want to punch him square in cunt.

    Rest in Peace Dick Clark. Thanks for everything.

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