Derek Jeter: ‘First, You Eat My Butthole Then You Get The Gift Basket’

One of my most favorite things I’ve learned from my all years on the site is that Derek Jeter gives women gift baskets full of Yankees memorabilia after he’s done banging them. It’s a story that not only fills me with hope, but lifts my spirits when this world doesn’t make any sense. Except now Deadspin’s reporting that there’s an additional step before the giving of the baskets, and it’s eating Derek Jeter’s asshole. Granted, everything about this seems questionable as all hell, but a. my threshold for writing about butthole eating is low, and b. I kind of need this to be true because it means at one point someone heard the words, “Thanks for eating my anus. You may now choose one pack of Topps collectible trading cards from the box on the couch.” Otherwise, why are we even alive? In the meantime, I caught some heat a few weeks back for these Kesha swimsuit pics, so I’d just like those people to know that even though I now know Minka Kelly’s face has been inside Derek Jeter’s butthole, I still think of her as a desirable sex object to put my penis into. Don’t question my deep reservoir of human compassion ever again.

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