Denise Richards Used Children’s Book To Explain Charlie Sheen To Her Kids

July 27th, 2011 // 40 Comments

I’m assuming this face helped.

While making the promotional rounds for her new book The Real Girl Next Door yesterday, Denise Richards revealed that she used a children’s book on addiction to explain Charlie Sheen to her two daughters. Via FOX News:

“I did have to have a conversation with them about addiction and got a book to read to them because I was just lying to them so much and covering up and telling lies, and it was just getting too confusing,” Richards told Matt Lauer Tuesday on the “Today” show.
The actress said while she tried to shield her two daughters– Sam, 7, and Lola, 6 — from media coverage over their father’s partying ways, they would still “hear things, through other kids.”
… “They are so young,” Richards, 40, said of her daughters. “I think they did comprehend some of it. And as they get older they’ll learn more as needed but I told them enough for them to make sense of some things that were going on.”

Somehow I get the feeling Elmo Needs a Taste isn’t going to come close to doing the job here. In fact, I’m pretty sure nothing short of taping her kids eyes open, pumping them full of LSD and forcing them to watch Requiem For a Dream and Bang Bus clips on loop would even begin to scratch the surface. Because even if Charlie appeared to them in their mind’s eye and told them about the time he built a woman out of pure cocaine, only to be forced to shoot her before the Vatican could use her against him in an epic spirit battle across time and space, they’d still have no fucking clue why their father literally believes he’s an F18 and drank gasoline on their birthday. “Need that to do my strafes later. Warlock strafes. Did that cake just move? DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE DIE!!”

Photo: INFdaily, Pacific Coast News, Splash News


  1. jim eh

    Wtf, does she like looking like an alien retard?

  2. Facebook Me

    On to have been a fly on the wall during that story hour.

  3. Denise Richards
    Commented on this photo:

    Her PR firm must authorized the bodyguard to administer the Shocker whenever he senses a Charlie tirade coming on.

  4. TomFrank

    Well, whatever she read her children, it was certainly more suitable than Charlie’s preferred bedtime story: “Go The Fuck To Sleep.”

  5. Do Freebird

    I doubt that anyone who as a child watched their drunk assed father beat the crap out of their mother sees any humor in this.

    • ChinaSuperficial

      I got home from a long day at the gym, and laughed till I cried at the final paragraph. If you want to be all serious and self-righteous, maybe you shouldn’t be reading a website called “the superficial”.

      Fish – Last para is pure gold.

      • Do Freebird

        Shouldn’t your first sentence have said:
        I got home from a long day of sucking cocks in a back lley , vomited up 50 loads of cum then laughed till I cried at the final paragraph……..

      • Do Freebird

        Ooooops two mistakes.
        1. Should be “alley” and not “lley”
        2. Should be “75 loads of cum” not “50 loads of cum”

    • Instead of beating your mom it sounds like he should have beaten you. Maybe you would have learned to hold your mouth until you are spoken to. Now get your ass in the kitchen and get me a sandwich bitch.

  6. Denise Richards
    Commented on this photo:

    During one of the many rounds of plastic surgery her doctor suggested moving her clitoris to the upper thigh seeing how her vagina was such a gaping destruction zone that was well beyond repair.

  7. Denise Richards
    Commented on this photo:

    Cocaine….it’s a helluva drug

  8. Denise Richards
    Commented on this photo:

    Moments later she was run over by Al Czervik’s yacht.

  9. Facebook Me

    Questions their daughters must’ve asked:

    Lola: “But why does Daddy need to corner the market on cocaine?” Can’t he just share it, like we share our toys?

    Sam: “Just how many prostitutes can Daddy fit in his mansion?”

  10. Freaky

    Ech. Reminds me of the time that Mom used sock puppets to teach me about the birds and the bees. I still get horny when I see one of those sock monkeys.

  11. Denise Richards
    Commented on this photo:

    That face would have scared the living shit out of me when I was 4.

    It still kind of does.

  12. Richard McBeef

    Maybe she can take those kids to a naval airbase so they can see an F18 and she can explain to them that it is their daddy. That would probably help a lot with the confusion.

  13. ZigZagZoey

    That picture is hilarious! She looks like she has grown a dick and just noticed when she put her hand in her pocket.
    Or she had on Lindsay Lohan’s pants with the coke in the pocket.

    • The Critical Crassness

      Actually she was doing her Charlie Sheen impersonation for Matt Lauer and her eyes got stuck….now she looks just like Charlie, which should thoroughly confuse her girls. “Why does mommie look just like daddy? Is she an F-18 Tiger’s Blood Ninja-Wizard, Too?”….

  14. the one

    you like to hear the truth?
    ………………….SHE IS TOTALLY F*CKED UP!!

  15. SSHGuru

    That’s how she normally looks – you should see when she does her crazy eyes.

  16. Meanwhile, their dad teaches them the intricacies of the metric system.

  17. “I’m pretty sure nothing short of taping her kids eyes open, pumping them full of LSD and forcing them to watch Requiem of a Dream and Bang Bus clips on loop would even begin to scratch the surface.”

    You made my day with that one Fish…

  18. cc

    In her version Alice in Wonderland falls down a gloryhole in Sheen’s mansion.

  19. “but mommy, I still don’t understand why you keep stealing daddy’s cars and driving them off cliffs”

    “because mommy is an angry bitch…don’t ever cross mommy”

  20. Denise Richards
    Commented on this photo:

    She’s really a cartoon! Bring in the dip!!

  21. The Critical Crassness

    Not to pick on small details, Fish…but F-18′s use kerosene for fuel….other than that small thing….righteous description of the “Charlie Sheen Show” and the difficulty encountered explaining it to anyone, especially a 6 and a 8 year old child.

  22. “One Whore, Two Whore, Red Whore, Blue Whore”

  23. Confident in herself, she reveals her sex face to Matt Lauer.

  24. mags

    Remember me, Eddie? When I killed your brother, I talked… just… like… THIS!

  25. Kinderhund


  26. kirby

    I’m sick of girls making that look when they see my penis.

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