Demi & Wilmer Had A ‘Big Brother Little Sister’ Relationship? Uh…

I didn’t bother posting about Demi Lovato and Wilmer Valderrama breaking up because it doesn’t take a scientist to figure out that he finally saw her birth certificate and cried to the God of Heaven for allowing him to pork an elderly woman for so long. We’re all thinking it. But then yesterday this incredible quote arrived, and yup, this all sounds about right. This is definitely what happened. E! News reports:

“It had turned into more of a big brother-little sister kind of relationship,” a source tells E! News exclusively. “The romance wasn’t what it used to be.”

“Listen, Demi, we need to talk. The last time we made love it, well, it just didn’t feel right. Don’t get me wrong. You captured the age thing right. I definitely felt like I was having sex with an inexperienced high school senior after buying her friends a six pack of Bud Lime. But when you said, ‘What if mom walks in?’ it made me realize that this went to a place I’m not quite comfortable with.”
“I don’t understand.”
“What I’m saying is, I want to have sex with an underage teenager, but without feeling like I’m molesting my little sister. In hindsight, we probably shouldn’t have made all those pillow forts.”
“That’s all I needed to hear.” *rips off mask, wig, shoulder pads*
“Chris Hansen! How long has it been you?!”
“The whole time, Valderrama. The whole time…”

Fin.

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