It’s ‘Van Wilder’ With Swords: A Review of ‘Deadpool’

Welcome to The Superficial review of Deadpool, a movie that’s been so aggressively marketed in your face, it’s resorted to Betty White gags, because apparently the Internet dorkosphere couldn’t jizz all over their stomachs hard enough for a superhero movie that has the word “fuck” in it. Finally, they like something cool! Except, surprise, you’re really just getting an R-rated romantic comedy with a comic book gloss on it. Haha, suckers who’ll still see an entertaining film that I’ll later recommend as a good date movie, so I have no idea why I’m laughing! In your face!

The Shit That Worked

I laughed at some of the jokes. Which was statistically inevitable because there were a billion of them from meta ones to, alright, goddammit, we’ve all seen Family Guy. You can stop referencing kitschy shit from the 80s now. — Yes, I see the Voltron ring. It’s still not funny.

That said, Ryan Reynolds tries his damnedest to sell the fuck out of this thing and clearly jumped through 80,000 hoops to get it made because I mentioned all of the marketing, right? It was practically an entire new movie’s worth made almost specifically to see how much people can hate this thing before it comes out.

The Shit That Kinda Worked

And here’s where pretty much the whole movie lives despite way too many headlines about Deadpool finally being a comic book movie that “get its right.” Granted, it does Deadpool justice in the sense that he’s basically a cartoon character whose schtick can get old, real quick, but then the script tries to shove in a few emotional scenes and dramatic moments in its clunky back story that literally stops the film dead. And while it does do a few “original” things for a comic book movie like not have the fate of the world at stake, and more importantly, hard fucking – You jelly, Iron Man? – it really doesn’t do much with the superhero formula besides make it a raunchy sex comedy. Albeit a not-too-shabby sex comedy with a clever regenerating baby hand masturbating joke. So if that’s how you think superhero movies should be going forward, I’m sure Disney will be very open and receptive to your letter about why the Infinity Gauntlet should be holding a giant dildo the first time Thanos meets The Avengers. And by yours, I mean mine. (What are the stones again? I want the purple one near the shaft.)

The Shit That Shat

And here we go…

Deadpool. Tries. So. Hard. It’s practically breathtaking how shamelessly hard it tries because oddly enough, when it stops for a few jarringly out-of-place dramatic moments, you want all of the trying back. That said, by the time Deadpool whipped out a Hello Kitty duffel bag I was tapped out. Make it stop. We get it, he’s Bugs Bunny with swords and cock jokes, and the middle-aged lady next to me is laughing hysterically at all of it. Am in purgatory? This is purgatory. Save me, Kanye’s mom on a unicorn!

The marketing. The goddamn marketing. Oddly enough, 20th Century Fox executives made the filmmakers slash $7 million out of the budget at the last minute, which resulted in an overused gag about Deadpool forgetting his guns and Colossus looking and sounding like an awful metallic ball of shit. Even more damaging, Deadpool really only has two big action set pieces, and the only good one is at the very beginning, but it almost entirely retreads the test footage that’s been online for two years now. (The final battle is marred with some sloppy ass, ragdoll CGI that would’ve been embarrassing in the early aughts.) So thanks to budget constraints, not only does Deadpool blow its load early, but it does it regurgitating footage diehard fans who made the movie possible have already seen. And, yet, you can’t turn around without seeing Deadpool’s face pop out of a Teen Mom and say something about chimichangas. I don’t even watch cable, and I wanted this movie’s marketing to catch Zika in the dick.

In an interview with Entertainment Weekly, Ryan Reynolds made a lot of talk about seeing his “perfect penis” in a fight scene, and I’m here to tell you Eastern Promises that shit was not. And if it seems weird that I’m oddly fascinated with seeing Ryan Reynolds’ penis, have you not been paying attention this week? We’re in the middle of a Cocknaissance, son. A Cocknaissance that’s mostly uncircumcised naked Tom Hardy photos, but a Cocknaissance nonetheless. In fact, I’m seriously contemplating changing the name of the site to PoliDicks and cramming it with nothing but soapboxing and cock. You do not want to mess with me right now.

So, bottom line, is Deadpool the perfect date night movie for Valentine’s weekend? Sure, why not? And if the person you’re with actually likes it, there’s probably a good chance anal’s on the menu later. And if they don’t like it, well, now you know the two of you shouldn’t be together. Even if you have kids. They shouldn’t see you fight because one of you hates God’s chosen vessel for laughter: dick jokes. Outside of that, I dunno, Redbox it over the summer. It’s your life.

GRADE: FUCKING MAKE THE FUCKING MARKETING STOP!

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Photo: 20th Century Fox