David Beckham’s life story to become a musical

August 19th, 2008 // 39 Comments

Sometimes dreams do come true. In this case, a really retarded one called “David Beckham: The Musical.” (Actually, it’s called “The Theater of Dreams,” but close enough.) Set to launch in London’s West Side, the production will basically portray David as the Jesus of soccer. I shit you not. The UK Telegraph reports:

“Beckham’s story is a modern-day fairytale of heroes, villains, love, Manchester United and what it means to lead your country,” explained Mark Archer, the songwriter behind this celebration of Beckham’s first 33 years. “His rise from obscurity to international stardom, his universally acknowledged gifts as a supreme sportsman, and his Hollywood lifestyle all have the elements of an aspirational fable.
“With football and celebrity now firmly established as new secular Western religions, The Theatre of Dreams is set within a cheering football stadium – the modern-day church. The music is powerful, gospel-like rock to establish clearly football and Manchester United as a religion.”

David Beckham’s life is “a modern-day fairytale of heroes, villains, love, Manchester United and what it means to lead your country.” Uh, wow, that’s pretty epic for a guy who plays soccer and married a Spice Girl. Sure, he had sex with a bunch of women on the side, but have you seen some of them? It’d have been more epic if he banged a toaster.

Thanks to Ellie who prays every night that Victoria Beckham is cast as a soccer ball.


  1. Mike Hawk

    lamer than his wife..

  2. Mike Hawk

    lamer than his wife..

  3. Ted Kennedy's tumor

    All you will here is slurp, slurp, slurp…splat as all he does is suck off other guys and they splat in his face. That should be very interesting. If you are a liberal homo.

  4. Rant

    This guy is a bag………of the douche variety. And he so fucking dim he makes George Bush look like Stephen Hawking.

  5. sammy

    Chicks in bikinis ONLY please.

  6. ..and its going to be sung by the vienna’s boy choir but david will be very hands on in choosing which boys get to play a part.

    get it? i said.. HANDS ON.. pretty clever, huh? huh?

  7. ProudToBritish

    Lame, dumb, gay….oh you butch of bitches. He earns millions for playing a sport he loves, he’s a successful father, a successful husband, 3 great kids and a wife who not only earns millions herself too but also ignores all the made up lies the British press print about him and stays by her man. No wonder you losers are jealous!

  8. havoc

    So he dies at the end right?



  9. dogonabone

    #9 nice.

    the NFL will always be my religon

  10. jdb

    Isn’t this the leaked plot of that new movie “Hamlet 2: the most offensive musical…ever!”

  11. Ed Castillo


  12. rose

    oh? Really?He mentioned that in his blog at Richromances.com a few weeks ago. That bl;og is still available!


    Fuck am I the only woman who hates musicals. I cant fucking stand them I have never been to one and never will. They have appeared on television and I have misplaced the remote long enough to get the gist of how fucking god awful oh and I think some baby sitter forced me to watch the sound of music and the wizard of oz since I sometimes have nightmarish flashbacks. Awful awful things musicals, it’s like quit fucking singing, what in th fuck are you singing for? No one just breaks out in song unless they’re fucking out to lunch which is exactly what anyone who likes musicals is.

    Oh and I can’t stand this douche so this could not be a less apetizing combo unless J-lo’s ass made an appearance.

  14. buck

    Beckham has the depth of Obama, but al least he’s not a closet Muslim

  15. vg902

    i hope R kelly is not singing ,who knows posh may be in the closet

  16. dilly

    He starting to look pretty damn ugly. I am sick of him and his pig faced wife.

  17. jaime

    WTF?? what about maradona, or pele, or messi, or ronaldinho??? these are much better FOOTBALL players, they are real. beckham is just a male whore that sells himself to brands and to a USA team, when we all know that the US don’t have real football. the real football/soccer is played in europe and south america…

  18. meridianwest

    i like football + i hate musicals = i would never go to see it.

    seriously — who are they targeting?

  19. HelioMobile

    Dear David;


    Whats next? “Mamma Mia 2″ ?

  20. cecilia

    brits and their football obsession..

  21. somuchbetter

    I hate musicals but I love that bod. Mmmmmm yummmmy.

    My question is, uh. You have all these articles about girls in bikinis. GIVE ME A HOT HALF-NAKED GUY. You have the chance now, despite his douche-baggery, and all I get is his face?!

    C’mon now.

  22. rough daddy

    you can count on the gays to turn everything into a musical,,,

  23. NFL RULES!!!

    David Beckham is a biSexual fairy and a douche. Want to see REAL females, not crossdressers like Beckham. What a nasty buttsex fiend!

    Tom Cruise Loves David Beckhams Inchworm
    David Beckham Loves the Anal with Tom Cruise

    PS The FAIRY Beckham wouldn’t last 2 downs in the NFL; he would be out with an injury! He couldn’t hold Bret Favre’s towel! Fuckin wimpy weasel!

  24. eyepopper

    Beckham’s not the greatest footballer going, but in an era where image is everything, and style over substance rulez, he is a demigod.

  25. eyepopper

    @24, if u wanna play a REAL man’s sport, play rugby. NFL is considered to be a joke in the rest of the world.

  26. The pretty man should smile not talk eh?

  27. NY Ted

    Are they going to mention that he has done nothing on the pitch for the last 5 years…!!! His playing days are done like last years christmas dinner…!!

  28. Blah

    I thought he was hot. But why does he look ugly & retarded here? Something odd going on with his eyes that I never noticed; maybe he usually covers them with sunglasses? Oh, and I have to agree w/ #14…fricken musicals suck ass & I can’t stand them. Never could understand the appeal of wizard of oz, etc. So no, you’re not the only woman who hates them.

  29. Cracker-Mutt

    Look at him – isn’t he pretty ……………….

  30. #26 – Yeah… that’s why it sells out every exhibition game overseas. And it’s real easy to say it’s a joke when a rugby player has no chance of having to get smushed by a 400lb 6′ 9″ linebacker. The Superbowl is still the biggest single sporting event in the world. Deal with it.

    #9 – HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA… if only… the funny thing is, I’m sure he’s used to getting his Speedos stuffed in the back way more than in the front…

  31. soccer wasn’t his game folks!!

  32. meg norman

    leave him and his wife alone his wife eats ok and they have kids so shut up

  33. The UK Telegraph must be pulling a prank surely!! He seems like a good bloke, plays football rather well but is way too overrated as a footballer and celebrity. But if they manage to pull this off, then fair game to him and his management team.

  34. meg norman

    leave them alone his wife eats they have kids

  35. meg norman

    leave them alone his wife eats they have kids

  36. Hannah T

    Ok, I so do not care about a musical of David Beckham’s life, I cannot think of anything more sad or mundane than an entire production team dedicated to this totally overpaid waste of space….

    BUT….’London’s west SIDE?’ Erm….it’s not the States. West END. West END.

    *End of rant*

  37. garrett

    David Beckahm is the biggest cocksucker and his wife knows it ASK TOM CRUISE

  38. garrett

    David Beckahm is the biggest cocksucker and his wife knows it ASK TOM CRUISE

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