BREAKING: Santa Is Real, Was David Letterman The Whole Time

“No, no, it was the Wet Bandits. Wet. Remember I hit them with a shovel when they went after the McCallister kid? Right, the one Michael Jackson touched.”

Because not a goddamn thing is happening this week, the Internet is going banana nuts over post-retirement photos of a bald, bearded David Letterman on vacation in St. Barts that I can’t even tell if I’m posting for the SEO, or solely to make that Home Alone joke. We all have our demons.

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