I’m Sorry, David Hasselhoff, But Today Is The Day You Have To Kill Yourself

The Superficial / November 6, 2013

I’ll always carry this picture. In my heart…

David Hasselhoff recently found himself the target of an unsavory rumor that he once posed naked while surrounded by cheese. A rumor that probably definitely happened because the man is 86% scotch. (I hear his nude oil paintings as Ronald McDonald are the rage in Bruges.) Regardless, he found himself in a situation where a man draws deep with himself and finds the strength of character to preserve, i.e. drink more so yesterday is but a cheeseburger in the wind. Except David had to be comforted by Justin Bieber because his testicles have fermented into tiny raisins that don’t deserve the smooth, rack and pinion steering of KITT.

On a serious note, I love how everything Justin Bieber listed as rumor actually happened except for the dying part because I’m pretty sure The Bible says The Beast, and by association his maple proxy, would reign for 1,000 days before being cast back into Hell. Or I’m just repeating things I heard on Sleepy Hollow. Close enough.

Photo: Fame/Flynet, Pacific Coast News, WENN