I’m Sorry, David Hasselhoff, But Today Is The Day You Have To Kill Yourself

November 6th, 2013 // 16 Comments
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I’ll always carry this picture. In my heart…

David Hasselhoff recently found himself the target of an unsavory rumor that he once posed naked while surrounded by cheese. A rumor that probably definitely happened because the man is 86% scotch. (I hear his nude oil paintings as Ronald McDonald are the rage in Bruges.) Regardless, he found himself in a situation where a man draws deep with himself and finds the strength of character to preserve, i.e. drink more so yesterday is but a cheeseburger in the wind. Except David had to be comforted by Justin Bieber because his testicles have fermented into tiny raisins that don’t deserve the smooth, rack and pinion steering of KITT.

On a serious note, I love how everything Justin Bieber listed as rumor actually happened except for the dying part because I’m pretty sure The Bible says The Beast, and by association his maple proxy, would reign for 1,000 days before being cast back into Hell. Or I’m just repeating things I heard on Sleepy Hollow. Close enough.

Photo: Fame/Flynet, Pacific Coast News, WENN


  1. schmidtler

    Don’t hassle the Hof!

  2. Dox

    I dunno.. If I ever get rich and famous, I give you, Fish… the absolute unreserved right to start a rumor that I posed naked with cheese. And not just any cheese….

    String cheese wrapped around my immense sword like penis, spray cheese on my nipples, sliced cheese delicately fashioning a belt around my… trim (stop laughing), waist…. mozzarella cheese shredded and sprinkled lightly in contrast to my golden locks, and crumbly bleu cheese cascading down my shoulders.

    Yes, I will be the cheese celebrity. I will shred the cheese, crumble the cheese… even cut the cheese. (wince).

    Go forth Fish, My minion…. and spread the good word of cheese to all that will hear it.

    For there is only one Cheese Celebrity. And I am he… He is me… whatever.

  3. David Hasselhoff Captain Hook Costume KITT
    Commented on this photo:

    “Mother of god, my balls are itchy…. “

  4. David Hasselhoff Captain Hook Costume KITT
    Commented on this photo:

    “Knight Rider, a shadowy flight into the dangerous world of a man who does not exist. Captain Knight Hook, a young loner on a crusade to champion the cause of Drunken Debauchery, Nude Cheese Photography, Molestation of Small Furry Animals, in a world of paparazzi who operate above the law. “

  5. Forget cheese, forget cheeseburgers… all of it! I just had the most delicious McRib ever. It was hot and fresh, the pickles and onions were spectacular. Shit, I had to double-check I was actually in a McDonalds, it was so good.

    • Dox

      Did you rub it on your nude body?
      If so, did you take pictures?

    • More detail. Now. GO.

      • Aw, man… was it ever saucy. So good. I mean, the assembly was a little lacking – the slack-jawed yokel that put it together didn’t have the best aim putting that fresh, cornmeal dusted bun on the scrumptious pork patty, but it was still mouth-wateringly awesome.

      • Dox

        When you bit into it, where you taken aback by the tangy bite of the McSauce? Did the flavorful juices run freely down your chin, as your fingertips ran caressingly over the warmed bun? Did you trace the contours of the edges of the meat as a little tease to yourself, before licking zesty liquid from their tips?

        And when you bit into it, could you feel the tart juice of the pickle slide down your throat, as you masticated voraciously?

        (This entire thing has just confused the fuck out of me. Cant decide if it made me horny or hungry.)

      • Cornmeal dusted bun. You sure you were not at BK and had their rib sandwich? McD’s is nasty and crap, BK’s is actually pretty good.

      • No, I haven’t eaten at BK in probably 2 or 3 years – not since they added that to the menu. And I’ll be honest with you, there have been times when I’ve ordered the McRib and it’s been pretty sub-par. Today’s was a flavour sensation though… very enjoyable. I almost went back for a second one. They were firing on all cylinders in that production-line kitchen, I tell you.

      • By the way, Dox, I waited until after I finished to sandwich to go masticate. The McRib was that good!

  6. Fish, I know all the words you wrote up there in your post, but somehow I can’t really make any sense of them in this order. Adding Twitter never helps clarify things either. Sometimes I’m OK with being clueless.

  7. Ain’t no goddamn way this did not happen. I mean come on, it is The Hof. He probably did it lathered in BBQ sauce all over his body while masturbating furiously over KITT.

  8. Artie

    These Lemurs smell just like Pam Anderson’s cootchie.

  9. David Hasselhoff Captain Hook Costume KITT
    Commented on this photo:

    I thought that’s Brooke Shields.. no joke .

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