Daniel Craig Gave Himself AIDS Instead Of Being James Bond Again

Hi, did you like that headline? Because it’s pretty close to the one that the entire internet is latching onto, which is Daniel Craig has turned down 100 bajillion dollars to play James Bond again, according to a British tabloid. Can you tell it’s a slow morning? The Daily Mail reports:

Insiders said Craig turned down a £68million offer from MGM studio to return as Bond for two more films following last year’s hit Spectre. The sum included endorsements, profit shares, and a role for him working as a co-producer.
One LA film source said: ‘Daniel is done – pure and simple – he told top brass at MGM after Spectre. They threw huge amounts of money at him, but it just wasn’t what he wanted.’
He added: ‘He had told people after shooting that this would be his final outing, but the film company still felt he could come around after Spectre if he was offered a money deal.’
One source said that executives had finally agreed to let the actor go after growing tired of his criticism of the franchise.

Granted, Daniel Craig’s constant bitching about making millions of dollars to touch beautiful woman’s breasts in the most luxurious locations in the world is kind of annoying – My big day is a trip to Chipotle. The chips taste like lime! – one time he called the Kardashians “fucking idiots,” so I’ll allow it. As for who’s going to be the next Bond? Probably this guy.

loki katy perry

I know what you’re thinking: Am I saying it’s Katy Perry or Loki? Why not both?

“No, Mr. Bond. I expect you to- wait, why are you two people and one of you’s touching the other one’s breasts?”
“What can I say? I’m a lot to handle.”
“Wow, goddammit. Just shoot them. Fuck the trap.”

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Photo: Sony/MGM