Danica Patrick makes IndyCar history

NEWSFLASH: Women allowed to drive automobiles. How? Why? Oh, God, who will iron the shirts?! Seriously, I didn’t believe it myself until I came across this AP article about Danica Patrick dominating the Japan 300 yesterday. Turns out Danica is the first person (and hottie!) with a vagina to win an IndyCar race:

“I’ve been asked so many times when and if I can win my first race,” she said. “And, finally, no more of those questions.”
Patrick was welcomed by her family near the podium.
“There was a lot of “I love you,’ and ‘congratulations,’ Patrick said. “My dad said it was the best day of his life.”
Michael Andretti, co-owner of Andretti Green Racing, called his driver a “fantastic person.”
“I’m thrilled for her that the monkey is finally off of her back,” said Andretti, co-owner of Andretti Green Racing. “We have all believed in her and she proved today that she is a winner. Frankly, I think this is the first of many.”

I think I speak for everybody when I say, monkeys shouldn’t be allowed in race cars – unless it’s firing a gun at the other drivers while wearing an eye-patch. When something’s that adorable, you just gotta laugh and remember primates can’t be prosecuted. Right, my secret gang of chimpanzee jewel thieves? Now go fetch me diamonds! … Or flagrantly masturbate on the coffee table. Again. I swear, it’s like you guys have never seen The View before. My, my, my. Hello, Joy Behar…

Photos: Getty Images