A Woman Named Crystal Metheney Shot A Missile Into A Car #FloridaLyfe

The Superficial / June 12, 2014

Because we’re the greatest country on earth thanks to a constitution with a second amendment written by Jesus himself to protect us all from tear-knee and Oprah sessions, a woman by the actual, can’t make this shit up, name of Crystal Metheney managed to fire a missile into a car in Florida which apparently gets you arrested in Obama’s America. (Nobody go to Walmart this week.) More importantly, here’s the riveting exchange that happened when Jezebel called to verify this woman’s name because it sounded way too perfectly Florida to be true:

Me: Is that her real name? And was she arrested for shooting a missile?
Linda: That’s what it says here.
Me: Not an alias?
Linda: No.
Me: That’s a pretty amazing name.
Linda: (Sighs) Sir, this is Florida. We have a lot of interesting names here.

And because I’m already indulging myself with this post, I’ll pretend the rest of the conversation went like this:

Jezebel: So was the person in the other car black?
Linda: (Sighs) Sir, she was arrested. Obviously, they weren’t.
Jezebel: S’what I thought.

Photo: Polk County Sheriff’s Office