A Woman Named Crystal Metheney Shot A Missile Into A Car #FloridaLyfe

June 12th, 2014 // 105 Comments
Crystal Metheney
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Because we’re the greatest country on earth thanks to a constitution with a second amendment written by Jesus himself to protect us all from tear-knee and Oprah sessions, a woman by the actual, can’t make this shit up, name of Crystal Metheney managed to fire a missile into a car in Florida which apparently gets you arrested in Obama’s America. (Nobody go to Walmart this week.) More importantly, here’s the riveting exchange that happened when Jezebel called to verify this woman’s name because it sounded way too perfectly Florida to be true:

Me: Is that her real name? And was she arrested for shooting a missile?
Linda: That’s what it says here.
Me: Not an alias?
Linda: No.
Me: That’s a pretty amazing name.
Linda: (Sighs) Sir, this is Florida. We have a lot of interesting names here.

And because I’m already indulging myself with this post, I’ll pretend the rest of the conversation went like this:

Jezebel: So was the person in the other car black?
Linda: (Sighs) Sir, she was arrested. Obviously, they weren’t.
Jezebel: S’what I thought.

Photo: Polk County Sheriff’s Office


  1. kiolb

    I wonder if her son Blue Heisenberg was involved.

  2. Oh BABY

    Cram your rants against the second amendment, you dumb shit.

    If you don’t like the freedoms our founders guaranteed for us via the Constitution, GTFO. You’re one of those fucking morons who insists on gun control, ignoring the fact that criminals don’t obey laws.

    Drugs are illegal here, yet you still have addicts. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that even if you liberal fucktards found a way to ban guns, criminals would still get and use them. Why? Because criminals don’t obey laws.

    Someday, Fish, you may find yourself in a position of needing the protection of a private citizen who is armed because the cops are too far away to help you. Pray that it’s not me, because I won’t lift a finger to save you.

    My gun ownership helps ensure that the government dick you suck so hard doesn’t start bashing you over the head. My gun ownership might be what stands between you and a government that is too fond of over-reach and control; it might save your sorry, worthless ass from a tyranny YOU deserve but I don’t.

    JUST MOVE. Go somewhere where guns are forbidden to citizens. That place is not and never will be the U.S.

    • Cher X

      I shall rest well tonight knowing that I have more teeth in my head than you do.

    • o'chunt

      You are a certified, grade A moron.

    • Lots of places where people don’t have guns are not tyrannies. Although they “may” or “might” be in the future they are not now. They have less crime and much less violent crime. And they are more “free” that the USA except that the citizens can’t own handguns or assault weapons. Americans really like to go on about freedom but the reality of it drops off pretty quickly after 1 – not ruled by a king in a foreign land and 2 – guns.

      • Tim

        Spaceman; weapons like: sawed-off shotguns or rifles, ‘machine’ guns/pistols, pistols greater than .50 cal., grenades, mortars, rocket launchers, etc., are considedered Title II/Class 3 weapons; which are HEAVILY regulated both at the state and Federal level. Legal purchase or possession of any of these type of weapons requires one to jump through ALOT of government hoops; any one of which can put the kibosh on your ability to buy/own the weapon. You can’t just walk into your local hardware or gun store and buy one of these type of weapons. Licenses are rather hard to obtain, and are generally expensive.

        I would be very surprised if Ms. Crystal Metheney had all the required permits and paid the necassary license fees (some of witch can top $2000) to legally obtain her rocket launcher. More than likely the weapon she had came from someone in her family that works or had been in the military, or it was something she cooked up in her garage (most houses in Florida don’t have a basement).

      • shutupandsing

        Not everyone lives nice places. Law abiding citizens living in
        the inner cities of Dem ran down cities have to have weapons to
        protect themselves.

        LOL are the fucking criminals going to quit carrying weapons because
        Obama tells them it’s illegal?

      • Well, actually, yes, it seems that criminals don’t arm themselves as heavily when guns are not allowed in general. In Sweden, for example, almost no one own a gun, and still you are less likely to get murdered (criminals over here don’t randomly kill law-abiding citizens).

        Don’t answer anything about Sweden being a “socialist state”. In fact, you don’t have to answer anything it all. Just think of the fact that people here don’t feel the need to arm themselves. Believe it or not, fewer criminals actually carry firearms in a society where they aren’t as common as in the US. Still, guns don’t kill people, americans do, according to statistics.

    • Convex, life isn’t an action movie and you are not the star. Your deluded fringe-element ranting must be embarrassing to real sportsmen and women. I’ll type this slowly to help you keep up:

      You will never fire two guns while jumping through the air to save anyone. You aren’t protecting anyone from tyranny. You will never stop any sort of domestic terrorist. Get a grip and join the rest of the adults.

    • Since you believe so strongly in the rights granted by the amendment that starts with “A well regulated militia”, I’m sure you also believe in the rights granted by the other amendments and that you believe that people have the right to express their opinions. The only problem is that sometimes people sometimes have opinions different from yours. If you’re going to spend time on the internet, you will have to get used to that.

      • Uncle Phil & N.A., this real sports woman salutes you for expressing what I feel every time I run into one of these cro-mag jack-offs on the firing range.

      • I used to own tons of guns Carla. My decision to stop having them around was somewhat influenced by what I saw as an increasingly intractable NRA, but more because I started to realize that I was pretty goddamn depressed. I didn’t really want to see what the combination of guns and depression would bring about for me (who would take care of my pets?). Now 15 years later they aren’t something I want to own anymore personally, but I don’t want to remove anyone else’s ability to have a fun day at the range.

    • reggy

      I like that your rant about his use of the 1st amendment was basically the same as his rant about your use of the 2nd, BUT HE’S WRONG AND NOT YOU.

    • “My gun ownership helps ensure that the government dick you suck so hard doesn’t start bashing you over the head. My gun ownership might be what stands between you and a government that is too fond of over-reach and control; it might save your sorry, worthless ass from a tyranny YOU deserve but I don’t.”

      LMAO… yeah, ’cause, if that damn undercover Muslim extremist Barack HUSSEIN Obama sent in just A SINGLE DRONE to take you down, your gun gonna be able to do something about this…

      Fucking retard – get back under your rock!

    • hey RETARD, try taking your precious guns and go against the government. see how that works out for you. see what happens when the SWAT team shows up to take your paranoid ass out like the trash you are. unless you have a fucking tank in your garage, you ain’t doing shit tough guy.

      also, when someone uses the word ‘fucktard’, you can bet your ass they’re white trash. all day every day.

      hope to see your pea brain splattered on the street real soon! :)

    • Note the anti-gun commenters sport a tone of superiority mixed with stupidity. I won’t even bother explaining to these assholes what “well regulated” meant when the 2cd amendment was written, or how infinitely smarter the founder were than todays’ juvenile punks. I note with amusement the comment about having more teeth that posters who are smarter than you. That’s a particularly stupid sentiment, but illustrates the stunned, laughable pretense to superiority the gun-grabbers wallow in.
      Don’t like guns? Don’t buy one.
      Don’t like other people owning guns? Tough shit. Come and get ‘em, assholes. Come and get ‘em.

      • “Note the anti-gun commenters sport a tone of superiority mixed with stupidity. I won’t even bother explaining to these assholes what “well regulated” meant when the 2cd amendment was written, or how infinitely smarter the founder were than todays’ juvenile punks.”

        These two sentences are written back to back.

      • Please explain it Phil. My superior stupidity doesn’t allow me to understand how “well regulated” back then translated to “unregulated” now, or how “militia” back then translates into “anybody walking up to a table at a show” today.

      • The founding fathers also denied voting privileges to women and blacks. Gun nuts love that, too.

      • “Come and get ‘em, assholes”

        David Koresh? Is that you from the grave? How did that work out for ya TOUGH GUY?

      • j/k

        When gun owners say things like “come and get em”. That makes them look like all of their courage is in their weapons. Without them they are simply cowards.Truly tough people don’t brag about it. The experience of having hurt people in the past humbles them.

      • I always think the guns are their dicks.

      • Most of you jackasses on this website are ignorant F’s. Puppet and J/K, I’d bet you two are like 5’2 little dickheads that beat up in school or are still.

      • “…I’d bet you two are like 5’2 little dickheads that beat up in school or are still.”

        Beat up who in school? Are still what? Did you have a stroke or something?

      • Bob do you smell burnt toast? Can you lift your arms over your head? Time loss equals brain loss.

      • “…how infinitely smarter the founder were than todays’ juvenile punks.”

        Until the first time they see an airplane and then shit themselves screaming.

    • “Drugs are illegal here, yet you still have addicts. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out that even if you liberal fucktards found a way to ban guns, criminals would still get and use them. Why? Because criminals don’t obey laws.”

      So what you’re saying is that criminals don’t follow laws, so we shouldn’t have laws. Ok, got it. Thanks.

    • Cock Dr

      Dear Superficial blogger, please do NOT can your rants. Please do continue to share the wealth of rants you have stored up in that basement kingdom. Canned rants turn rancid very quickly, they need fresh internet air.

    • LMAO you inbred retard, they can sit a 1,000 miles away in a little room with a monitor and joystick and pick off all you dumbass rednecks with your guns one by one with drones you will never see. They don’t need to take your guns away because they don’t give a shit, technology has progressed way beyond what your little pea shooters are capable of doing.

      • DrJ Fever

        You beat me too it!

      • JC

        That’s what I love about “protecting myself from the gub’mint” argument. The U.S. military outspends our closest rival (Russia or China, depending on who you ask) by a factor of 4. We could literally fight the entire world and win if we ignored pesky things like civilian casualties. Yet a rag tag bunch of hicks with semi-autos and shotguns are going to take down the military.

        Here’s a fun idea: Want to put the gub’mint in its place? Stop voting for rich assholes who have you convinced that brown people and Teh Gays are America’s real problems, while they and their corporate cronies pick your pockets and outsource your jobs.

      • Methhead got a rocket launcher. That is what this article is about right? Why can’t other people? You little dickheads sitting thier in California picking your twitty little asses think your superior to everyone else. Let the criminal find you next.

      • “You little dickheads sitting thier [sic] in California picking your twitty little asses think your [sic] superior to everyone else.”

        You have to admit you’re making it rather easy for us to feel superior.

    • DrJ Fever

      You poor deluded ammosexual.

      I mean Really? “My gun ownership might be what stands between you and a government that is too fond of over-reach and control; it might save your sorry, worthless ass from a tyranny”, Really?

      You with a gun vs US government drone with Hellfire missile = you becoming pink mist.

    • j/k

      You came to his blog, read it, and went nuts on him. You’re from Florida, right?

    • This is a simple solution for the anti-gun crowd. Get the 2nd Amendment appealed. If you can do that, then you can go on your happy, merry way. Otherwise, stop with all the complaining. Also, please get informed on what it takes to purchase a firearm at a gun show. You need to still go through the same exact background check as if you were purchasing at a store. The only “loophole” is for private sales between citizens.

    • I live in Mexico, we have gun control and its true that there are weapons in the streets anyway. But the only civilians that use them are criminals. If we did not have that gun control people for sure will start buying guns to defend them self and you will end up with another problem like the “autodefensa” poor people with guns taking the law by they’re hands, they killed innocent people because they thought they were criminals because they had nice things.

    • Lemme give you an update from a gun-free country in the EU: sure, a couple of criminals have guns here. You know what they use ‘em for? shooting each other in rip deals; because if they shoot anybody outside the ‘scene’ they know the entire nations police force will be over them like a ton of bricks.

      Also, my government is hardly a tyranny, neither is any other government in the EU. And the best thing: I can drop my kids off at school, or sit in a burger joint with my back towards the door, and have absolutely NEVER, EVER, needed to worry about some gun carrying idiot coming in and shooting the whole place up. It just doesn’t happen here.

      Stick your fingers in your ears, sing lalalala and ignore all the evidence while you enjoy the “safety” your guns bring you, yahoo.

      • Tim

        Guns have been in the United States since before the founding of the Republic, and other than in a few large cities durring the 1930′s were never a major problem up untill about 40 years ago. The real problem in the US is an unwillingness to hold anybody accountable for their actions. Any time someone misbehaves it’s excused away. They did what they did because: they were abused as a child, they had no father, the mother was on drugs, they were on drugs, they were persecuted because of their race/religion/etc., he grew up too wealthy (affluenza), or they just ‘needed’ the money.

        Untill the middle of the 20th century in may places in America guns could be freely purchased at your local hardware or general store. Much of the problem of gun violence (and violence and criminality in general) didn’t come about till bad behavior strated to be excused away and everyone (including the perpetrators) started to be considered a ‘victim’. Up untill a few years ago if you shot someone and didn’t have a damn good reason for it (like they were breaking into your house) you would end up being sent away for the next 20 years. If you killed them more than likely you’d be sent away for the rest of your life, or end up “ride’n the lightning in ‘ol Sparky”. Untill the citizens and civil authorities in the US adopt a zero-tolerance toward violent offenders the problem of violence will continue unabated.

      • EXACTLY, Tim. Until America stops letting criminals get away with just a slap on the wrist, we will continue to have a violence problem for the foreseeable future.

        I say go the eye for an eye route. You kill somebody in cold blood, you get executed. The End. Sure would make people think twice about blasting someone away for cutting them off in traffic, wouldn’t it?

    • “needing the protection of a private citizen who is armed because the cops are too far away to help you”
      “My gun ownership helps ensure that the government dick you suck so hard doesn’t start bashing you over the head. My gun ownership might be what stands between you and a government that is too fond of over-reach and control; it might save your sorry, worthless ass from a tyranny YOU deserve but I don’t.”

      Now, you crazy moron, I know this is what you jerk off to, but please never fucking do it. You’ll just kill some innocent people in your moment of glory. There are no guns in the tyrant’s prisons, you know, but you’ll damn well deserve that.

    • Dox

      So… Missile.

      A stone is a missile… so is an arrow, a bottle rocket, a javelin, a LAW, an ice packed snowball, a shoe, etc. The Law in Florida classifies any hard object as a missile. So… while you geniuses are debating gun laws, I’m a little curious as to what exactly she “fired” into a car.

      If its a rock…. then this is a pointless argument and you all look silly. If its a man portable anti tank weapon, then perhaps we need to have a discussion on the types of things that should be made available to the public.

      Just sayin, context people.

      We have none.

    • dieter

      i’m not ‘murican so i’m not 100% on this, but part of the reason for your constitutional right to bear arms is to rise up against a tyrannical government and overthrow it if needed, is that right?

      please explain how your piddly gun collection is going to overthrow billions of dollars of high-tech weaponry and war machines, including but not limited to tanks, fighter jets, attack helicopters and predator drones.

  3. Just standing my ground. There was iced tea and skittles in the car.

  4. I’m guessing her preferred weapon of choice is a mashed potato gun.

  5. What kind of missile?

    • Cock Dr

      This being the internet I’m just going to assume it was a Roman candle.
      Now get that poor woman into some sort of treatment program ASAP, she looks like she needs help.

    • a soda can, or any thrown object, counts as a “missle”. But that fact makes the story lose of its appeal, so I guess we’ll stick with a grenade launcher.

  6. Freebie

    If only criminals carry guns, at least I’ll know who the bad guys are. If everyone carries guns, how the fuck can you tell who is who?

    • Ummm…because in a “free” country, we’re supposedly judged by our actions.

      Sorry you, and so very many others, missed the memo.

      • All of you right wing fucktards keep bellyaching about Liberals wanting to take away your guns. Have Liberals taken away your automobiles? And yet they are, by law, licensed and registered. What makes firearms sacrosanct and immune to similar licensing and registration? There isn’t a one of you who thinks for him/herself. As soon as someone mentions g-g-guns, you all, like so many sheep, jump on the Conservative bandwagon and start protesting against “we who are trying to disarm you.” Fer fucksake, wake up and face north.

      • TheAdmiral

        Perfect Massacre: You and 3 others go to an NRA convention. Everyone bring a weapon of the same caliber (let’s say .45). One person starts shooting people. The second starts shooting people, but in the direction of the first. The third starts shooting people in the direction of the third, and the fourth starts shooting between the first and second while standing roughly in front of the first. With everyone shooting in the direction of someone else shooting, it’s unclear who is a gunman and who is firing in self defense and possibly causing friendly fire. Others take out guns and start to fire, unclear of who, gunman or convention goer, is shooting in defense or attack. Anyone who shoots someone that a person thinks is innocent, whether by thinking they’re a gunman or simple accident, gets pegged as a gunman and shot.

        56 dead from 8 different calibers. Only 15 dead from .45s.

        If everyone carried guns everywhere, this method could work anywhere.

  7. Deacon Jones

    Hey, maybe if those dumb Las Vegas cops that got shot by the meth head had guns they, they could have prevented themselves from getting…shot? Wait, they had guns, how is this supposed to work again?

    • Dox

      Realizing that you are quite possibly being massively sarcastic, I live in Las Vegas. And whilest I am never overly fond of metro, hearing about them getting ambushed while having lunch does not constitute dumb.

      • …that’s not his point …his (sarcastic) comment cuts right to the heart of the matter …everyone who’s ever been shot in one these incidents was “ambushed” …shooters don’t walk up and loudly announce “the killings will now begin!” …he’s saying; if trained police officers, who have guns on them, can be shot in one one of these incidents, then arming everyone is NOT the solution. (oh, and, that right-wing fantasy about them being the only thing that stands between us and psychos, or the gub-mint, is just that; a sad, pathetic fantasy, which statistics have dis-proven time & time again) …and i still think convex is a troll, and he suckered you guys in one more time.

      • Johnny, johnie, joni…I am sure your mama is ashamed at you, God knows I am. You know who that is right? I mean God, not your mama. Here is just one example of having personal protection for yourself. Their are hunndreds of news articles just like this one only the main stream media and sites like this one will not tell you of these so they can continue their agaenda. Read and have a nice day.

      • Here ya go, Bob. Read and have a nice day:


  8. j/k

    Can we at least agree that Florida shouldn’t have guns.

    Or knives, or plastic bags, or prescription drugs, or pointy scissors, or those little packs of desiccant that say do not eat.

  9. The state’s shaped like a limp dick – ’nuff said.

  10. malaka

    personally, i find the second amendment the most difficult subject to debate.
    not because of lack of understanding or logic.
    but because the pro guns side is so unbelievably unreasonable.
    i have an easier time straddling issues like abortion and theology.

    its good to see that sane people are showing up in force and winning the argument at least on this page.

    regarding the criminals don’t obey laws argument;
    don’t you think it would be slightly more difficult for criminals to acquire powerful weapons if there weren’t more than 350,000,000 guns readily available to anyone looking for an inflated sense of power?

    this was never about freedom and protection.
    (guns equal offense, not defense).
    this has always been about utilizing paranoia to promote the sales of weapons and to subsequently fuel a national hysteria which leads to more paranoia and more demand for weapons.

    • malaka

      i just wanted to add that nobody wants to take your guns away.
      i simply wish to implore people to discard these dangerous weapons on their own.
      only destruction and suffering can come from possessing such power.

  11. Florida is a special kind of fucked up. How did she shoot a missile? Attaining it and managing to work it, Christ. Is it wrong that I hope she’ll name her child Angel Dustiny?



  13. DBN

    You know, I don’t get the argument that having guns makes people safer and prevents crime. Folks who have stuff that’s REALLY worth stealing, banks for instance, generally don’t have their branches patrolled by armed guards. Armed guards cause their customers to feel less safe and may increase the risk of a violent confrontation (and, by extension, the risk of killing innocent people) if a robbery does occur. Dye packs, tracking devices, bait money, and not allowing costumes or disguises in banks are all effective means of reducing robbery and don’t involve untrained amateurs getting shooting the place up.

    Just in case it’s relevant… None of the folks who were involved in subduing the man who shot Gabby Giffords and the other people in Arizona had a gun. The shooter was tackled by unarmed by-standers and held on the ground until the folks with guns (i.e. the police) arrived.

    • thecrazybetty

      2 categories of men in this country, the strong ones and the weak ones. we know which one you are you little pussy – sitting there drinking your soy latte in your mother’s basement.

  14. malaka

    if you want to say that people should if they feel so fit,
    have the right to carry around pepper spray, kevlar vests,
    or even tazers, than there may be some logic behind that.

    but anything that equates to Point>Click>Dead, is usually enough to make me feel slightly uncomfortable.

    people want to say that humanity is caught up in some kind of arms race with lethal technology.
    well is it a good idea to contribute to this?

    i guess from another perspective, all options are on the table cuz the devil’s gonna getcha.

  15. I blame MTv for this:

  16. Only idiots think the constitution is a joke. How stupid could people be to think the government will never go bad?

    It’s bad now! more people are killed by police than terorist. More innocent children die from drownings than gun violence.

    Ban pools! Please ban pooL! no one needs to have a pool! Only those crazy Jesus people want pools!

    Here’s another fact more people die from furniture than guns. BAN FURNITURE! No one needs to live a comfortable life. How about we create thought police. Yes, thought police will fix everything. Government solves all our problems. Without government we wouldn’t have technology. Without government we wouldn’t have cars!

    Whoever wrote this article needs to stick to posting pics of celebrity butt cracks. That’s all your good for.

  17. ocket and rocket launcher salesman

    the only way to stop this insanity is to arm everybody with rockets and rocket launchers.

  18. FukYoPo'tikz

    It is a shame I can’t come to this blog and enjoy my guilty pleasure of seeing what the rich and famous are up to without more of the political doldrums that you see everywhere else.

    I now remember why I quit reading this blog a while ago. Enjoy your free speech Superficial, I am not one to demand you censor yourself because I do not like what you say. I just think you should stick to celebrities and stay away from politics.

    I generally enjoy your posts and raunchy humor, but I am no longer clicking on your links and contributing to lining your pockets when there are other blogs that do not go into this territory. I will miss your funny posts, but not your political ones.

  19. ohx

    Thats fuckin bad ass, YEEEHAW!
    I guess when your name is Crystal Metheney all things are possible. Except things like having teeth

    Isn’t that the fat woman from squidbillies?

    Looks like an intelligent woman to me

    That conversation is hilarious

  20. …the perfect comment.

  21. mx3

    when i was a kid my family went to florida and we were in some fast food chain and they were honestly either out of something or taking too long and this hick-tastic guy in front of us with his own family was threatening to go out to his van and get his gun and shoot the woman at the counter. it was so insane.

    i honestly feel bad there is even a ‘gun debate’ in the USA, and am thankful i don’t live there. lol. can u imagine working in some shitty fast food job and being threatened that way? LOL fuck that.

  22. BSName


    Every article I found on this story said she fired a “missile” into another car. I couldn’t find what kind of missile (fire work or military weapon, or stone) but it is very possible that what she used was already illegal in the state of Florida and the debate about gun control or the 2nd amendment inapplicable for this story.

    It should be noted that under Florida law, a “missile” can be defined as “a stone or other hard substance,” so this should not be construed to mean that she was necessarily launching rockets into passing cars.

  23. The “missile” was a BB.
    I don’t know how one mistakes a BB gun for a missile launcher… but it is florida.

  24. thecrazybetty

    you stupid ass – you’re the first crybaby that would come running to a person with a firearm if the shit ever went down. there are two types of men in this country, the strong and the weak… we know which one you fall into. with a name like Fish – what a pussy.

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