Crystal Harris Had Sex With Hugh Hefner Once, It Lasted Two Seconds

July 27th, 2011 // 85 Comments

Despite the fact it’s clear Crystal Harris was a prostitute hired to leave Hugh Hefner for a reality show special, she was a guest on Stern yesterday where she complained about sex with Hugh even though it sounds as tender and beautiful as it is with me. Via People:

Harris, 24, said Tuesday on Sirius XM Radio’s Howard Stern Show that sex with the 85-year-old Playboy founder lasted “like two seconds.”
“Then I was just over it,” she says. “I was like, ‘Ahhh.’ I was over it. I just like, walked away. I’m not turned on by Hef, sorry.”
She adds that they had sex just once.
“He doesn’t really take off his clothes,” Harris says. “I’ve never seen Hef naked.”

Showing remarkable awareness of his surroundings, Hugh has since fired back using some sort of new-fangled telegraph device, most likely built by those stinkin’ Japs:

“Crystal lied about our relationship on Howard Stern but I don’t know why,” Hef Tweeted Tuesday night, although he has since removed the message from his account. “Maybe a new boyfriend?”
Hefner continued to call out Harris, 25, for what he pegged as dishonesty. “Crystal convinced me that she adored me,” he replied to another follower. “That was the first lie.”
… “When I said, ‘I missed a bullet’ when Crystal left, I didn’t mean I didn’t love her,” Hef explained. “I meant that I realized she didn’t love me.”

I love how every time one of these chicks flees the mansion, they feel the need to describe what it’s like to have sex with an octogenarian like they survived the Holocaust. And now we know Hugh’s a never-nude which is the most gentlemanly thing an elderly poonhoud can do for a woman, so of course, they’re going to make it sound like goddamn prison. “You don’t understand. My only constantly available choices were perform oral sex on his dusty, old penis or get a job and pay for goods and services with my own money. It was like being shackled to the floor!”

Photo: Splash News, WENN


  1. Donald Trump

    OMG! This bimbo is hideous! I’d rather bang a guy over this orange mess any day!

    • WTF

      Agreed. 24 years old? Holy fucking shit, she looks 42.

      • 24? you gotta be shitting me, that face looks at LEAST 35. But then Holly looked 20 years older than she is too. Maybe Hef is some kind of skank vampire…extending his own life by draining the life force from young women.

        Either that or sucking on old man balls just grinds a person down quickly.

      • if that trollop’s 24, then i’m 18

      • kimmykimkim

        She’s 24, and I’m just a zygote. Sweet Jesus…hey, Feely….how YOU doin’?

      • McFeely Smackup

        “Did anyone really believe that it was otherwise with Hefner? I mean really the guy is half dead already. “Lil’ Heffie” was probably the first to die, so how exactly is this news?”

        You people who keep adding “how is this news” to your posts are more retarded the the firsties. While you are at it why not through in “who is this”. Does this look site look like cnn to you. It is a fucking gossip.

    • mel

      this isn’t too bad of a picture of her. normally she looks like a wangless dude.

  2. The Critical Crassness

    Did anyone really believe that it was otherwise with Hefner? I mean really the guy is half dead already. “Lil’ Heffie” was probably the first to die, so how exactly is this news?

  3. Carrie

    So prostitution is legal as long as the john is over 80?

    • prostitution is legal as long as you have them on salary.

      • Carrie

        Well, if she was on salary, she was an idiot for leaving. Does she not realize what the job market is like? Not every career offers plastic surgery allowances and spray tan coupons.

    • So it took up to a week before the wedding and sex with an 85 year old man before she realized she wasn’t turned on by him?

      People are normally ashamed to provide this kind of evidence of their own stupidity.

      • kimmykimkim

        Not stupid whores. They’re not ashamed of anything involving their floppy vaginas. And this bitch is seriously 42 years old. Look at that fucked up face! So sick!

  4. Deacon Jones

    God, I really hate this woman. Wait until her 15 seconds of fame are up and people stop recognizing her, instant crystal meth head.

    I hope she gets gonorrhea of the eyes.

    • cc

      I’ll second that.

      Face it Crystal, you are a gross whore, and the only chance you have now is to somehow marry some braindead athlete. Failing that, I see stripping and/or porn in your future.

    • Vivian

      I hope her vagina dries out, shrivels up and ends up so disgustingly looking that no one wil ever want to stick their dick in her or her ass or her mouth, ever.

      • Deacon Jones

        That was very eloquent of you, Vivian.

      • kimmykimkim

        Vivian: I have a feeling that a dried shriveled vagina is something she already has. But if not I wish that too. You don’t fuck with an old man’s emotions. I don’t care who he is! I feel bad for the Hef. He should have her whacked.

      • Vivian

        I don’t know, I still feell that’s not enough, maybe I should add an incurable desease of biblical proportions, a curse, a spell, voodoo, hoodoo, bad mojo, santeria, and good reliable karma catching up with her.

        You’re right kimmykimkim you don’t fuck with an old man like that, I don’t care what happened behind closed doors, that was their business and it should remain theirs. She should respect his age, his stature, his integrity, skank is too nice of a word to describe her and the extent of my English knowledge is not enough to find a word for her.

  5. Sadie

    Poor Hef. He’s surrounded by users all day long.

  6. RichardThomas

    “Did anyone really believe that it was otherwise with Hefner? I mean really the guy is half dead already. “Lil’ Heffie” was probably the first to die, so how exactly is this news?”

    You people who keep adding “how is this news” to your posts are more retarded the the firsties. While you are at it why not through in “who is this”. Does this look site look like cnn to you. It is a fucking gossip site.

    • kimmykimkim

      Yeah leave it Crass to say stupid shit like that. He also told us once that Ashton Kutcher is better than all of us cuz he’s been on TV or some stupid shit. Cuz money TOTALLY makes a good person! It’s all you need! Money, shitty TV shows, movies, marry your mom and your life is fucking set! That shit is motherfuckin’ SET!

  7. Maeby

    HAH! never-nude. awesome.

  8. Her face looks like what I can only presume Hef’s ass looks like: wrinkles and a gaping hole that spews shit.

  9. Hefner’s been doing chicks every day for 70 years. You don’t get to that point without having a few tricks up your…uh…

  10. LJ

    Drugs and injections are going to keep it going for more than two seconds, and do you think that Hef was going to marry some one he had sex with only once?

    This gold digger didn’t get the $600,000 pay-off she was looking for to keep her mouth shut, so she’s gonna just make shit up to try to show that they should have paid her off.

  11. LJ

    I just noticed that this girls face looks like 60 year old Shannon Tweed after the plastic surgery.

  12. Luke

    Hef made her, and now she disses her creator. Not too cool.

  13. she looks bad, not Hef. She let herself get used by an 85 yr old man for what? Nothing that equals having to be with an 85 yr old. Its called a hooker where i am from.

    Hef has lived a life we all dream about. He continues to fuck 20 something women no matter how he ages. Yeah fuck changes its meaning over time, but he does better then most 40yr olds who has less options as he gets older. I think he found replacements pretty quickly.

    If I can fuck, rub up against, or whatever my body could get done as I got older with women who looked like playboy models or their skanky not so hot roommates like this fluffer, you can make fun of me all you want when im 85.

    Hef is not only winning, he is the MVP.

  14. rough

    Howd you like to get turned down by her…

  15. WTF

    She continued: “I was all, like, LOL! Then like, WTF?! Like, wow! I’m, like, a bleached blonde moron!”

  16. MarkM

    I can’t believe a young, stupid whore would try to trick a 100 year old senile man…What is this? An alternate universe?!?

  17. Autumn


  18. hH

    NO way in hell she is 24.

  19. Crystal Harris Cleavage
    Commented on this photo:

    Why so serious?

  20. Rasputin's Evil Twin

    Did anyone else notice the banner for the Amy Winehouse bit is various rehab places, and for this it’s McDonald’s “The pleasure was all mine.”? Yes, that’s what Hef said.

    He’fs eyes are going. That’s how I explain the endless line of fake blondes with fake tits and tattoos in the centerfold for the past few years. He probably has some deal with Mattell for a new one each month. Interchangeable parts are what made this country great, but interchangeable women? No thanks.

  21. …which is exactly a second and a half longer than my interest in her.

  22. Krissy

    I can’t believe this chick is the same age as me. No one looks that haggard in their mid-20s. She looks late 30s at least.

    • Julie

      Yes, sluts look that haggard. The difference is you probably have more integrity. Thats why you look better:)

  23. Cock Dr

    ” My only constantly available choices were perform oral sex on his dusty, old penis or get a job and pay for goods and services with my own money.”
    Ha! Well now, I really feel for her.
    Obviously she doesn’t have enough mental prowess to go get herself an education, or she’s too goddam lazy/spoiled to hire out for anything other than sex work.
    If she’d married the old coot at least she would have gotten some sort of pension for her efforts. What a fool.
    PS: She ain’t 24.

    • Jillia

      Even if she were 24, that would be pretty shameful. She looks worse than Lindsay Lohan and Tara Reid put together. Ewwwwww….

      One of the few chicks, if she’s gonna lie about her age, she should go up cuz she looks haggard for the age of “24.”

  24. Richard McBeef

    Well of course he only lasted two seconds. Dude still jacks off to airbrushed still image porn without burger shots. I’m sure a real life vagina would be overwhelming. Start jacking it to video and you’ll last forever or require increased depravity to get off.

  25. rough

    I wonder if stern had her in the classic game called anal ring toss.

  26. farting old man's wife

    What in the hell did she expect?? He is almost 90 years old!!! He represents the image and the lifestyle of a playboy, and that is what the money grubbing little whorebags want. . . his money!

  27. Photoshop Police

    never seen him naked? I call BS.
    and there’s no way he’s not using viagra, so clearly she’s got some issues she needs to work out with Dr. Phil’s son, who she’s ‘not dating’.

  28. Mandy

    It’s weird, because she’s trying to make it sound like it lasted for 2 seconds in order to embarrass him. But is she not embarrassed that she willingly slept with a very old man that she had no feelings for and got no money out of?
    No matter how long Hef lasted, he’s the one who had sex with a much younger, hot woman. He wins this round.

  29. Cardinal Fang

    Quit dissin’ the Heff. He had more quality pussy than probably anyone on this Earth and for that I think he earns a certain respect not to be bad-mouthed.

  30. I would say Hef finally wanted to date a woman which he would make her look like a cougar.

  31. 24? Oh boy. She’s going to age REALLY well.

  32. Steelerchick

    If she’s 24 then I’m 18!!!

  33. Jackie

    Do she sleep with a egg timer, too.

  34. Crystal Harris Cleavage
    Commented on this photo:

    manface oldface

  35. ................

    She is nowhere near 24 hahahahahah try 38-40

  36. Crystal Harris Cleavage
    Commented on this photo:

    I love how you get the impression of disgust when it comes to the thought of an old person having sex. I just can’t wait to get old and disgusting.. damn does aging suck; now if society switched gears and revered and admired the sagging, wrinkly, in need of a walker body than

  37. anonym

    crystal harris has major man face.

    just look at it.

  38. Juano

    Girl has the brain of a hampster. Now, if she’d had the body of a Vargas girl, Hef might have lasted more than two minutes.

  39. I know

    Nasty whore……get a real fucking job, bitch.

  40. Crystal Harris Cleavage
    Commented on this photo:

    I really hope she didn’t pay someone to do her make-up and that she did it. Otherwise, she needs to get a refund for that mess. The lipstick on her teeth is a nice touch.

  41. Crystal Harris Cleavage
    Commented on this photo:


  42. The Everlasting Know-it-all

    WTF did this sleazebag expect?

    Long live Hef!

  43. r

    She is nasty how could she eww!

  44. Crystal Harris Cleavage
    Commented on this photo:

    Is that a spinach oi see?

  45. Tamara

    so she played with the old man pretending she was in love(for cash)… she could get some attention(sick)…..then complain that the old man is old……seriously bitch….dont worry tho ur 2 minutes will soon b up n ur gona run back to he 2 sec man

  46. Tamara

    of all of them it was #HollyMadison who really cared

  47. x

    Holly Madison cared about Hef as much as Crystal and others. MONEY+FAME all they cared about. Hef isn’t better either.

  48. Burt

    Watched that reality show special? I did just to see what the gaping holes in their story. Lots of things were very revealing, such as the fact that she agreed to be interviewed for it after she’d walked out…and the interview was conducted at the Playboy mansion. Hefner also says she had cold feet and claims discussing with her that he was only going through the wedding because he thought that’s what she wanted…But then he acted surprised when she walked out? I get the feeling this breakup was planned from the beginning of their “relationship” because on a past episode of Holly’s reality show she’s shown warning Crystal not to break Hugh’s heart.

  49. See Alice

    Isn’t that Shannon Tweed .

  50. Crystal Harris Cleavage
    Commented on this photo:

    uh, gross pic

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