Critics Are Saying Baywatch Sucks… Which Means It’s About to Make a Ton of Money

After months of trickle-down bikini pictures from Alexandra Daddario and Kelly Rohrbach, the new Baywatch movie is finally hitting theaters and facing the brutal reality that putting The Rock around a bunch of boobs and explosions will make Paramount an ass-ton of money. The reviews that are rolling in paint a scene where we (the audience) are like a drowning kid flailing about in the water while Dwayne Johnson argues with Zach Efron about how to save us without looking no-homo. The kicker comes when we are resuscitated by a gavage-feeding of skin-tight meat candy and that $16 seems like it might have been better spent on a shitty Whalburger.

Then again, this is Baywatch… The only reason anyone ever watched it in the first place was for the gratuitous, pre-internet T & A that was hard to find in concentrate on network TV. Now that we have the internet, what really is the point?

Besides these…