Criss Angel magically sucks ass in Vegas

September 29th, 2008 // 81 Comments

Criss Angel gave fans a special preview of his $100 million Cirque Du Soleil show “Believe” over the weekend, and what do you know? It TANKED. Audience members reportedly walked out of the theater and demanded their money back after witnessing an epic fail covered in douche sauce, according to the Las Vegas Review Journal:

“Everyone in the bathroom was chanting ‘bull—-’” from the urinals, Damon Ranger of Chicago told me Saturday. “It was absolutely awful. You can ‘Believe’ how bad it is — because it’s terrible!”
People streamed out of the theater on Saturday screaming about how poor it was. A group of six women was led by a woman yelling furiously, demanding their money back.
“Dude, it’s a train wreck,” Ranger said. On a scale of 1 to 10, he declared “Believe” a zero.
Two other Angel fans, Steve Moffett and Jordan Wilson, flew in from London for Friday’s debut.
“We were hysterical about coming. We came. It was a waste of time,” Wilson said. “The magic’s not even magic.”
Moffett and Wilson walked out before the ending, because Angel started singing the finale, a cover of his “Mindfreak” TV theme song.
“He broke into song. I said, ‘He’s singing. Now we’re leaving,’” Wilson said.

Jesus Christ, he sings?! Wow. I guarantee you if I were in that audience, I would’ve rushed the stage and repeatedly punched Criss Angel in the uvula. Then I’d disappear! SHAZAM where’s the fire exit?

Thanks to Steve who’s holding the Jack of Clubs.


  1. Que

    Que dang.

  2. Vag Fart

    One-th bittttches.

  3. hah

    who’s the chick?

  4. Rant

    Angel’s only talent is in douche baggery.

  5. goody bar

    Yeah… Screw the douche bag cleaner….Who’s the babe?

  6. Kellie

    I thought this doesn’t open for another month? Or that’s what it says on the Cirque du Soleil website.

  7. Only douche bags were their hats crooked. Like those short bus riding kids who try so hard to dress themselves, but realy cant.

    The chick is kind of hot though.

  8. incumike

    I LOVE that right next to this story is…you guessed it…an ad for “Believe”.HA!

    (Well, at least that’s what I’m seeing)

  9. ANd to top it off, he is sucking on hugh hefners leftovers!

  10. havoc

    A lisping magician with painted black fingernails, no fashion sense and more bling than Snoop Dog. What could possibly suck?

    It tanked because there were no camera tricks which is how he achieves 99% of his illusions.

    I’d rather watch Carrot top lift weights. Or grass grow….


  11. Slut

    He just has that “I want someone to punch me real hard in my over-sized nose, and what very little that I have of cock and balls” look.

  12. So its a lame off contest between David Blaine and C.A.?

  13. ph7

    Can we all agree the term “douchebag” had its run, and should be discarded? It’s more overused than Heather Locklear’s pharmacist.

  14. Rant

    Uh, #8, I am just a Canadian. But, isn’t Obama running against John McCain? I think all this Palin bashing and Palin vs. Obama mentality is because they realize she has the ability to change the outcome of the race.

    It is such a shame because Bush’s antics should have handed the presidency over to the Democrats on a silver platter. But once again it looks like it may be another race to close to call.

  15. You guys! You’re so WRONG!!! You can’t call Chris a douch-bag! You GOTTA look at the video! :

    Criss Angel Building Levitation REVEALED!!!

    He’s a genius! MY GOD!!! He’s a fuckin’ GENIUS!!!

  16. Rant

    #8 , I apoligize you did not slam Palin, my mistake. I’m so used to it, one just assumes you see the word Palin = Slam.

  17. Angel's Publicist

    I declare post #16 was not written by Chris Angel himself.

  18. friendlyfires

    Has he been fired by Vegas? Has James Caan come out with a lead tail pipe and made a serious impression on this douchenozzle?

  19. Thank you!

    @ #18: Hey thanx! I’m his biggest fan! You will be too after you watch the video and see just how it’s done!!!

    Also, can I meet with you? I wanna meet Chris! Can I work for you guys? Huh? Please, pretty please, with sugar on top?

  20. Slut

    #20….Hef is that you? Face it….you are old! It was time to let the hostages go…Holly moved on to another tainted piece of meat…

  21. #16 what are people wrong about? Criss Angel wearing fake feet to fool people?
    probably the funniest thing ive seen…

  22. shar

    Personally I think he is not as great as he thinks he is. I saw Copperfield last year and that definitely was a waste of time/money. He is another
    guy who think he is better than he actually is, when I can spot the
    errors, its gotta be bad. lol.

  23. Well, what do people this ego-blown joke? His head is so fucking large at this point. He actually thinks that he’s “made it” in this world, and that he’s universally loved. His douchebaggy head has actually grown so fucking large that he thinks that he can do anything and get away with it. He thinks that he could take a shit in the street and people would applaud and give him an award. Well, he was fucking wrong. And now he’s humiliated! Yay!!!!!!!!! :)

  24. There's no business like show business

    There’s no business like show business

  25. And what’s with his face? Geezus, he is one the ugliest living things that I have ever seen! That fat, repulsive, bulbous nose. Those disgusting sausage lips, with the spit cake on them. Those dead eyes, shaped like the horizontal eyes of a retard, gazing out at nothing. And that chin, dangling there like a horrific dick-shaped wafer at the bottom of his face. Uggghhhhhh! Hideous!

  26. grobpilot

    Fish, you should hit him in the “vulva” instead. You can get more power out of a kick than a roundhouse.

  27. There's no business like show business

    There’s no business like show business

  28. As much as I hate the paragon of douchery, the funniest thing about this is he will still get paid because some group of people in Vegas thought this would be a good idea. So, we can figure that about 100million so far, has been pissed away on this.

    And yet, I can’t help but hear over and over, “Why is our nation in such an economic mess?”

  29. Just warming up here Alex

    @ #29: Don’t worry about it Alex. I’m just warming up, and getting ready to bomb and strafe the living shit out of this thread.

  30. Gravy

    I think ‘vulva’ might have been more appropriate than ‘uvula’.

  31. Miss

    #4- That looks like that girl Gizelle he was dating a while back. In the 3rd season you can actually see in one of the episodes where he hits on her. Here is a link to an article about her if you wanna see what classy broads he’s hanging out with:
    There was a report that she had a baby last year, and he actually dated her before and after the baby! Perhaps there is a little criss Angel running aroung somewhere. :O
    Man, I am actually a fan ,but I have to admit there’s some serious ‘douchery’ going on with him. And I’m really disappointed the show sucked. I was looking forward to going out there next year! Darn!

  32. There's no business like show business

    There’s no business like show business, Alex

  33. venomhed

    Yet another ego maniac that surrounds himself with Yes Men and Yes Women which completely removes him from reality.

    Die mother fucker, die.

  34. Seriously

    Criss Angel has fans?

  35. superstar

    I do feel kinda sorry for him though. If I were in his shoes, I’d be really upset standing on the stage, seeing fans leave angry and demanding money back because they didn’t enjoy a thing.

  36. caljenna

    Pretty certain she’s not the reson he’s got that tattoo on his finger…

  37. Prof

    Folks travel to see a douche bag perform and then complain about the smell? (sigh) Douche bags only makes things worst!

  38. Nikki

    Why hasn’t ANYBODY told him he’s a complete rip off of David Blayne and he gives 0 recognition he really is a grade A FAGGOT!

  39. Nikki

    Why hasn’t ANYBODY told him he’s a complete rip off of David Blayne and he gives 0 recognition he really is a grade A FAGGOT!

  40. shut up grandpa

    yuck !!!
    i HATE that disgusting JOISEY MOUTH of his !!!!

    a mug a mother couldn’t even love ….

  41. Dr Know

    He’s like a zit. The more you pick at it the more it grows. Sure, you can release the pus, but then it gets infected, and soon it starts weeping, then before you know it you have a festering weeping sore that won’t even respond to antibiotics, or in other words, Paris Hilton….

  42. mamadough

    well, i was gonna comment on how superfish meant to say vagina instead of uvula, but someone beat me to it.

    so, i’m surprised no one has said anything about the total lack of the 18 hot-topic necklaces he’s always sporting. they might have been affecting the plate in his head. fuck criss angel, i got nothin.

  43. SpacePenis

    Like the opinion of idiots who payed money to see this twat means anything to me.

    See it’s a catch 22. Douche if you do, douche if you don’t.

  44. Rant

    A “UVULA” is a part of the body. It is that thing that hangs from the back of the roof of your mouth. You know cartoon characters use it for a punching bag when they have been shrunken.

  45. I used to love Criss… then I watched his show for an entire season, now, he’s still fun to look at, but only with the sound off. I sure as hell wouldn’t pay to see an overpriced live show…

  46. not first!

    There’s no business like SLOW business!!!

  47. woodhorse

    You better plan on punching him in the vulva because he’s Gay.

  48. private

    That’s funny. There’s an advertisement on this page for Chriss Angel’s Vegas ‘Vip’ Weekend, $599.
    ONLY $600 to see this douche? Bought!

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