Here’s Your ‘Creationist Cosmos’

April 15th, 2014 // 44 Comments
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If you’re like me, you’ve been enjoying the shit out of Cosmos and finding yourself masturbating more frequently on account of the spring air. We’re practically twins! So here’s Creationist Cosmos, a Funny or Die response to Christians who got their Jesus-panties in a bunch and demanded equal airtime for creationism on Cosmos even though nobody’s walking into churches and demanding 45 minutes to ask questions like, if God flooded the earth to get rid of homosexuals, how does Top Gun exist? Or even just a slideshow on dinosaurs and how magic babies couldn’t have rode them to Bethlehem without a time machine. It’ll take five minutes tops. I’ll bring donuts.

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  1. John

    This site would be more entertaining if the author didn’t use the stories to work through his childhood religious abuse. He would be happier if, as an atheist, he didn’t think about God or God related topics so often. Let it go, they can’t hurt you anymore.

    • I was just about to post ‘LET THE BUTTHURT FLOW’, but I see it already has.

      • John

        No butthurt for this atheist. Just put off when another atheist spends so much time on a non-existent God because of the religious abuse they experienced.

      • Hmmm….you’re “put off” by the behavior of another person and thereby compelled to both ascribe a motive for this behavior and suggest an appallingly simplistic path to a happier life, a path that, coincidentally, would end the behavior that put you off, thereby creating what you believe would be a “more entertaining” site.

        Yeah, that’s pretty much the definition of butt hurt. By the way, too bad Simon Wiesenthal didn’t follow your advice. He’d have been so much happier.

      • This atheist (me), doesn’t spend a lot of time on it unless I get provoked by an article like this one but some stuff one never gets over. Like being sent to one of those Jesus Camps when one is 10 and the so-called councilors are at you 16 hours a day to get you saved before your parents get you back. It’s a form of emotional abuse IMO and I would have been swallowed up like many children except for the fact that my parents inadvertently inculcated me with a level of cynicism that was off the scale for a 10-year-old. Religion promotes wishful thinking and the us-vs-them mentality. Time to grow up!

    • JC

      Fish doesn’t need me White Knighting for him, but God-related topics do hurt us. Because America is a Christian theocracy in all but name, we routinely get idiot leaders voted in by idiot electorates that push all manner of Christian bullshit down our throats and drive the political discussion in this country. Gay rights should be a complete fucking non-issue, but because Representative and Senator Asshole get all hot and bothered by the idea of penis touching (and then feel shame later), we get endless amounts of bullshit about that rather than, oh, I don’t know, taking steps to fix our crumbling infrastructure. We, the non-religious, are forced to think about this shit because the God Squad won’t STFU up about it, which would be nothing but an annoyance if it didn’t work to wreck our present and future in this country.

      • Everything JC said (as well as Dekker below)—except maybe the part about “penis touching.” That’s gay sex? Touching penises together? I thought it was…something else.

        Anyway, let me add that I was brought up in a secular household, so I was only a step or two removed from atheism before I came there on my own. Yet I can get as worked up about the Goddy McGod stories as apostates like Fish do, because the “religious abuse” being inflicted on me is coming from the Christian Right and their insistence that I and every other American live by their narrow-minded strictures.

      • malaka

        if there were more people who practiced christian philosophy, which in no way was originated by jesus, and less people strictly followed the story of the immaculate birth and the crucifixion mythology, maybe outspoken christians wouldn’t draw so much well deserved ridicule.

        the whole idea of loving each other is compromised when the message is supplemented with supposed divine authority and infallibility which declares do as i say or you will burn for all of eternity / do as i say and your soul will be saved and you will live forever in heaven.

        anyways..
        i’d appreciate if the atheists would take it down a bit as well.
        after all, atheism is a BELIEF system too.
        atheists believe there are zero deities.
        but they don’t know.
        atheists are therefor closed minded as well.

        many great scientists and astrophysicists were people of faith.
        in short, agnosticism > atheism.

      • brtn

        Wrong. Atheists do not ‘believe there is no god’. There is no god. You just described Agnosticism, aka ‘believing there is no god, but not sure.’ I don’t ‘believe’ unicorns don’t exist. I know they don’t exist because there is not one verifiable shred of evidence for them. just like god.

      • malaka

        i challenge you to then look up the definitions bra.

        i assure you, i’ve spent enough time studying and debating theology from numerous perspectives to understand what the words mean.

        what you and i know will always be a fraction of what we do not know.

        “Imagination is more important than knowledge. For knowledge is limited to all we now know and understand, while imagination embraces the entire world, and all there ever will be to know and understand.” – albert einstein

        “Everything you’ve learned in school as obvious becomes less and less obvious as you begin to study the universe. For example, there are no solids in the universe. There’s not even a suggestion of a solid. There are no absolute continuums. There are no surfaces. There are no straight lines.”
        – R. Buckminster Fuller

        do you realize how much scientific triumphs are based on the imaginations of jules verne,
        leonardo da vinci, gene roddenburry, and stan lee???

        all religion is flawed because the faithful claim to be certain of that which they cannot possibly know.
        the flip side of that coin is that atheism is also flawed.

        the existence of divine creation cannot be proven OR disproved.
        anyone who tries to tell you otherwise is either lying or is completely delusional.

        you say that you know. but you are entirely full of shit.

        say you don’t think so or do not think so, and i will leave you alone.

        to be devoutly religious may indeed be akin to mental illness.

        however, where you are coming from is not based on scientific knowledge or wisdom.
        only arrogance.

        therefor, i am challenging you in that i think that you don’t really know shit.

        the only religion i know of that is based on logic and reason is buddhism. which in reality is not a deity worshiping religion at all, but is in fact a large group of philosophies.

        so.. let me reiterate; atheism, just as all religions,
        IS NOT SCIENTIFIC FACT.

        agnosticism remains the only 100% sincere and truthful description a person can describe themselves regarding theology.

        you wanna spend your whole life proving that religion is bullshit?
        i’m right there with you.

        if you want to spend your whole life proving divinity does not exist??
        you will never succeed.

        the answers are well beyond human comprehension.

      • malaka

        i just wanted to add a couple more questions..
        do you know what exists beyond the observable universe?
        say eight hundred sextillion light millenniums from our location?
        how about beyond event horizons of super massive black holes?

        have you ever heard of the narwhal?

        nah… you frontin pretty hard but you don’t really know shit.

      • Frankly

        Smart post, truly. Both atheists and theists could take a beat and acknowledge what they don’t know, instead of acting like they know everything.

      • Chip

        For one who has studied so much :rollseyes: you got the definition wrong. Atheists do not believe there is no god, atheists lack a belief in god. Basically, atheists are those who do not answer “YES” to “do you believe in god(s)?” including those that say “I don’t know.” Some atheists are explicit atheists and say “there is no god.” Some are implicit in that they do not know or will not definitively say “there is no god.” Just like someone can say “Santa Claus does not exist” and not get berated by the pseudo-intellectuals who would claim” how can you be sure?” — some atheists can say “there is no god” because there is no evidence of it although in their minds there does exist the possibility, however infinitesimal, that god(s) do exist. Atheists do not have “belief” as in a faith in something that hasn’t been shown to be true.

    • You are obviously not paying attention, are you? There’s a shitload of people out there, some of whom hold positions of power, who are essentially trying to ram the twisted Christian version of religion down our fucking throats. Did you not see the link in the Other News list this morning that told about conservatives (read: uptight Christian fucktard senators and congressmen) who are now trying to make divorce more difficult because God wants us to stay together?

      You may not care to think about God but there are dangerous people out there who do so, constantly, and if you don’t pay attention, their view of the world will take over and self proclaimed atheists such as you may end up on a blacklist.

    • Jade

      Perhaps you should follow your own advice? His topic was much more relevant to this site than your response, and it seems that you might be suffering from some kind of problem yourself. Obviously, he didn’t spend much time on this story, but it appears your past experiences are adding to that chip on your shoulder.

      I’m a Funny or Die fan, I like Cosmos, and I thought this was funny. Now do me.. tell me what is wrong with me!

    • BlinkyTheFish

      If you hadn’t noticed, the internet is where the human race goes to take out their childhood shit. Would we have an internet if no one did that? Sometimes I wonder. My atheist self ought to get around to venting my spleen on a blog one of these days. I’m sure I must have some festering issues based around the one Lutheran kid’s summer bible story study thing I went to and then promptly walked out of at age 7. Didn’t really buy that God was the only thing keeping baby Moses from getting eaten by crocodiles or mowed down by boats going down the Nile. If they had told me it was some baby basket sat-nav, I’d probably be in church right now.

  2. There are already so many documentary type shows about the bible and biblical times, that there is in fact more airtime for those biblical documentaries than for Cosmos.

    Also, Cosmos has been airing for about 5(?) weeks now, an hour each episode – what the fuck are you going to say about Creationism that is going to take over 5 hours (since they are going for equal time)? Is the presenter just going to speak slowly? There are only so many ways one can say “God did it.”

  3. Hugh G. Rection

    Fish, stop picking on the ignorant Jesus-freak morons and get back to picking on Kim an Khloe.

  4. I’m going to go home and catch up on Veep.

  5. Greg

    One day a Champion will be crowned between the Religious Zealots and the Atheist Zealots……….I just hope I’m dead and gone when it happens.

  6. JungleRed

    I think we’re all missing the bigger picture here. Namely that the clip wasn’t very funny. I love religion bashing as much as the next guy, but damn it, Fish, don’t waste my time!

  7. The bible doesn’t mention anything about thesuperficial.com so therefore thesuperficial.com does not exist.

    • No, if the Bible doesn’t mention thesuperficial.com, it means thesuperficial.com is a tool of the Devil. Also, computers and cellphones and automobiles—Satan’s handiwork!

  8. I’m not 100% sure, but fairly certain that Fish writes and posts this stuff in an effort to MAKE A FUCKING LIVING, you inbred, mouth-breathing, father-fucking cretins. Back the fuck off or go somewhere else.

  9. The guy at superficial is always nagging and crying as if his pastor molested him. What does evolution/creation debate have anything to do with bikini photos of celebrities!? seriously, who’s in charge of this page? get this emotional butt hurt author out of here.

    • ” who’s in charge of this page? get this emotional butt hurt author out of here.”

      About that, you may not want to hear…you know what? It’ll be better if you find out on your own.

    • …he owns the site, retard, he can do what he wants …does fish come down to walmart and tell you how to greet? or tell your boss to fire you? no? well then shut… the fuck… up.

      • Umm, no, he doesn’t, as far as I’m aware. But please correct me if I’m wrong. He’s “only” the writer and certainly not the original one. I doubt he bought the site to begin writing for it, especially since BuzzMedia, now SpinMedia, did the buying part.
        But I guess these articles generate enough clicks, so no problem there for them, him, or anyone really, unless you only want bikinis and nothing else.

      • you’re so dumb. you have now come to this article twice, getting him more clicks, supporting his religious article and convincing him and the folks at BuzzMedia (Who bought this site cause they love what he does) that he should do more of these. congrats. you win.

      • Who are you talking about, brtn? Bloop commented once, Johnny Barbells thrice and I once. And not in a complaining way by the way, only correcting Johnny about the ownership of the site. Literacy much?
        Except for one subject (and not this one), I don’t care what Fish writes, it’s entertaining enough most of the time.

    • “I don’t come down to where you work and slap the dick out of your mouth.” — Mr. Show

  10. bob

    This was wildly unfunny

  11. Slash

    Yeah, Superficial, don’t bore us with your atheist whining.

    People come here for boobies, which can be found NOWHERE ELSE on the internet with a very quick and simple Google search.

  12. poop

    When did Fish become a faggot?

  13. LupinS

    Wow America – you realise the rest of the world is laughing at you, right? For a bunch of people who bitch on about god and how they’re in the right by following “his” message you sure spend a lot of time arguing, fighting, and killing each other and everyone else.

    How about you try to actually understand the world – and not just what your church (AKA govenment) want you know.

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