Courtney Stodden Isn’t 16. I’ll Start There.

August 16th, 2011 // 137 Comments

For those of you just joining the Internet, people lost their shit last month when Horace from Lost (Real name: Doug Hutchison) somehow married “16″ year old Courtney Stodden, an aspiring model from Washington hence this entire production. I say 16 in sarcastic quotes because she just posted a picture of herself to Twitter ala Pamela Anderson in Baywatch (Sorry for the shitty quality up top, but the original pic is literally 218 pixels wide. I blame the school system.) which draws your attention to said Twitter and Jesus Fucking Christ. Maybe I’m hanging out at the wrong high schools, but I don’t know a lot of 16 year old girls with a background in writing for Penthouse Forum:

- Slowly slipping under these sensuous silk covers as I lie down in bed & entertain myself w/the classic movie “Gentlemen Prefer Blondes”. XOs
- A soft sensation sweetly kisses my body as I prepare for a sexy hot photo shoot this afternoon. What a breathtaking morning it has been! ;-)
- I love these steamy mornings that allow you to erotically roll out of bed in nothing but your cheeky string bikini. Mmm, how electrifying!
- Woke up to a perfect morning; Romantic melodies softly playing, my favorite breakfast all prepared, & my pups licking me up & down… Mmm!
- Throwin on a white string bikini, fluffy light up bunny ears, 7in heels, & a rhinestone bow tie while bakin cookies. Don’t Put It On Me Girl
- Just learned how to do the splits… Figured I’d need to know how to do that trick sooner or later! Who knew my legs were so flexible?! ;-)

The other day I was sitting around thinking how society could outdo itself for Teen Mom, and sure enough, it delivered: Pretend child brides baking cookies in heels and tweeting about fucking. I’m by no means a religious man, but I’m pretty sure if I keep looking at Courtney’s Twitter, I’ll turn into a pillar of salt. I can’t possibly see how that’s not the case.

Photo: Pacific Coast News, Splash News


  1. My Left Nut

    Let’s cut her in half and count the rings.

  2. Reddi

    I don’t know what type of drugs she’s on, but they must be really good, and I’d like to get me some.

  3. Courtney Stodden Swimsuit Baywatch
    Commented on this photo:

    is this her smiley emoticon? :3

  4. Courtney Stodden Swimsuit Baywatch
    Commented on this photo:


  5. Courtney Stodden Swimsuit Baywatch
    Commented on this photo:

    these two inspired the dark crystal and dont you DARE tell me any different.. i just wont believe you

  6. Lusty Tom

    Bitch is fucknuts stupid and needs some ‘pline. Leave the fucking dogs alone and scrub the floor!

  7. Courtney Stodden Swimsuit Baywatch
    Commented on this photo:

    no 16 year old should dress like that, and, as we see here, no 35 year old ukrainian whore should either

  8. jc

    If she’s really 16, I feel awful for her. I’ve never seen a more haggard looking 16 year old. She’s going to look like the Cryptkeeper with fake tits by her mid-20′s.

  9. Courtney Stodden Swimsuit Baywatch
    Commented on this photo:

    she looks like she is in her 40′s with all that makeup.

  10. Arzach

    Let’s assume that she’s really 16, then she is a 16 year old that looks like a really pounded 40 year old, damn! I know 40 year old women that look better that she does, if that guy married her just to make it legal he’s a real dumbass (even with a prenup)

    • Brooke

      I’m fairly certain he married her to “prove” he isn’t gay. Because he didn’t strike me as the type who would marry a woman, sixteen or fifty or otherwise.

  11. Courtney Stodden Swimsuit Baywatch
    Dina Lohan
    Commented on this photo:

    I take my hat off to you,ladies.

  12. dontkillthemessenger

    That is the worst looking 16 year-old I’ve ever seen. Rumor Willis at 16 was more attractive than this roadside carcass.

  13. Courtney Stodden Swimsuit Baywatch
    Commented on this photo:

    Sixteen? Shit. They really are putting crazy hormones into our chicken and milk. How else could you explain this travesty? Bitch ate too many McNuggets.

  14. roadkill

    2 seconds into the future

  15. I Mean What

    Clearly, being the happily married domestic goddess is not enough for Courtney Stodden and she is doing whatever she can to get booked for Playboy, Hustler, or Screw, for that matter

  16. Brooke

    I figure we’ll never know her real age for sure until Donald Trump gets involved and a birth certificate magically surfaces.

  17. Stuve

    K, curiousity got the best of me and I just HAD to click on her Twitter page link to see what is really going on and–holy shit, she really does spew out all that insightful randoms all full of sexy.

  18. farting old man's wife

    This is how those little girls who are in beauty pageants are going to wind up!! When they are “forced” ( The mothers claim this is what the child wants) to look like 20 year old’s at 4 and 5!

  19. Courtney Stodden Swimsuit Baywatch
    Commented on this photo:

    My eyes! My eyes! The lizard tongue and the porn faces! I am going to my safe place now.

  20. Jester

    You don’t “learn” to do the splits. FTW.

  21. meh

    THAT IS A MAN YOU MORONS and I don’t mean that like Gisele or Blake lively is a man, I mean that is a man boy in drag and his parents just don’t give a shit because small town folk have no clue what to do with a cross dressing teen.” You want to marry her him whatever go for it”

  22. Doc Schweinstrudel

    wow that was so creepy. I watched the video on youtube, she looks like an android, I didn’t even see her face half the time cause it was covered with that big hair. ew

  23. Courtney Stodden Swimsuit Baywatch
    Doc Schweinstrudel
    Commented on this photo:

    both clearly had lots of work done on them

  24. Courtney Stodden Swimsuit Baywatch
    Doc Schweinstrudel
    Commented on this photo:

    her mom looks younger than her, but what the fuck, mom, i’d never let my daughter outside having stripper heels on

  25. Courtney Stodden Swimsuit Baywatch
    Commented on this photo:

    i could never understand, do women that dye their hair blond not realize that their brown roots grow out in just a few days or do they just not care?

    • Kitty

      If she was smart then she would have gone with a base color closer to her natural haircolor and just had blonder highlights. Either that or gone with the ombre look and started working in the blonde further down. She wouldn’t be able to get this blonde doing either of those things, but she’d still be able to be quite blonde and avoid having such tragic roots.

  26. Joltin' Django

    Remember the “Simpsons” Halloween episode in which Bart and Homer wind up in a spaceship headed for the sun? It’s full of all kinds of societal n’er-do-wells (Rosie O’Donnell, Tom Arnold, Ross Perot, Tonya Harding, et al.), and it’s to be a good thing when they’re all burnt to a crisp. We need such a rocket-to-the-sun in real life. We could throw this chick – and her husband – on there, along with the Kardashians, everyone on MTV’s “reality” shows, that Rebecca Black chick, etc., etc.

  27. Courtney Stodden Swimsuit Baywatch
    Commented on this photo:

    The hands say her true age.

  28. Bob

    Obviously not 16. Show me one teenager in America this vapid that can write anything without an OMGHI2U or the equivalent in their Twitterbooks.

  29. elleinad

    who wears an armband? those haven’t been around since iike 1994… which is also supposedly the year she was born…

  30. Agent Orange

    “16″ now means 35? God I’m so unhip. Sigh.

  31. TiredOfWhoresEveryWhereILook

    that is so fake..shes doing it purely to get guys attention and try and turn them on..that is so blatantly in your face fake that its sad as can be..and whats worse is people get turned on by it…she sounds like one of those chicks that get paid to say what they think you wanna hear over the phone getting paid by the min. these little girls and even older ones do some stupid shit to try and turn guys on and its sad..from make’n out with other chicks to getting so wasted that they pretend to not know what they are doing when they start making out with random guys..just deal with it..females are sad sad sad whores that will do anything to get attention from guys and the guys are dumb enough to think its genuine.

  32. Sadfemale

    Yeah. All females are the same. It’s not a system perpetuated by a certain protrayal of women, wich is then taught as acceptable behavior, then imitated, then shamed! It’s much simpler than that. It all makes sense now, thanks, “TiredOfWhoresEveryWhereILook”! I knew Duckface had to be a naturally occuring behavior ¬_¬

  33. Rachel

    What are her parents thinking??? Do they know the meaning of being a parent?? And what is so wrong with a 51yr old actor that he finds the need to be with a 16yr old??

  34. Courtney Stodden Swimsuit Baywatch
    Commented on this photo:

    SO BLATANTLY NOT 16. HER BODY IS CLEARLY THAT OF A MATURE WOMAN 25 OR OLDER….sorry, just had to clarify that on top of the other thousands who have done the same. i can’t believe people still think she’s anywhere near her teenage years….such a joke!

    • kes

      im the same age as shes supposed to be and i’d say apart from the boobs and the massively flat stomach, girls my age looks fairly similar….

  35. Wtf

    @randal another word is “PORN”

  36. Courtney Stodden Swimsuit Baywatch
    Commented on this photo:

    that poor dog :(

  37. led grow lights for sale

    F*ckin? remarkable issues here. I?m very happy to look your post. Thanks so much and i’m having a look forward to touch you. Will you please drop me a mail?

  38. geee

    She looks like a TRANNY!

  39. Ruserious

    Mr. Faulkner(or is it Hemingway ?),
    I do so look forward to your next literary masterpiece. Please show us more of your contradictory writing skills, ie: referring to the Son of God as Jesus effing Christ, while at the same time, worrying that you may turn into a pillar of salt if you continue to “bless us” with more worthless and uninteresting garbage : )

  40. Jeff B

    I would have less of an issue if the guy was actually marrying a 16 year old girl. It’s worse that they are trying to pass off a 30ish woman as 16. Clearly its a ploy to get attention for a career boost. Hollywood has become such a sludge pile full of scums. Its a reason why so many people are leaving California to find a better life. Ever since the stars fell into a shit pond, the media has become the source of propagandist fame. YUK.

  41. Courtney Stodden Swimsuit Baywatch
    Commented on this photo:

    ok now let’s go fuck.

    that was your point?

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