Courtney Stodden Isn’t 16. I’ll Start There.

August 16th, 2011 // 137 Comments

For those of you just joining the Internet, people lost their shit last month when Horace from Lost (Real name: Doug Hutchison) somehow married “16″ year old Courtney Stodden, an aspiring model from Washington hence this entire production. I say 16 in sarcastic quotes because she just posted a picture of herself to Twitter ala Pamela Anderson in Baywatch (Sorry for the shitty quality up top, but the original pic is literally 218 pixels wide. I blame the school system.) which draws your attention to said Twitter and Jesus Fucking Christ. Maybe I’m hanging out at the wrong high schools, but I don’t know a lot of 16 year old girls with a background in writing for Penthouse Forum:

- Slowly slipping under these sensuous silk covers as I lie down in bed & entertain myself w/the classic movie “Gentlemen Prefer Blondes”. XOs
- A soft sensation sweetly kisses my body as I prepare for a sexy hot photo shoot this afternoon. What a breathtaking morning it has been! ;-)
- I love these steamy mornings that allow you to erotically roll out of bed in nothing but your cheeky string bikini. Mmm, how electrifying!
- Woke up to a perfect morning; Romantic melodies softly playing, my favorite breakfast all prepared, & my pups licking me up & down… Mmm!
- Throwin on a white string bikini, fluffy light up bunny ears, 7in heels, & a rhinestone bow tie while bakin cookies. Don’t Put It On Me Girl
- Just learned how to do the splits… Figured I’d need to know how to do that trick sooner or later! Who knew my legs were so flexible?! ;-)

The other day I was sitting around thinking how society could outdo itself for Teen Mom, and sure enough, it delivered: Pretend child brides baking cookies in heels and tweeting about fucking. I’m by no means a religious man, but I’m pretty sure if I keep looking at Courtney’s Twitter, I’ll turn into a pillar of salt. I can’t possibly see how that’s not the case.

Photo: Pacific Coast News, Splash News

superficial

  1. “my pups licking me up & down… Mmm!” Umm what?

  2. Lynx

    If there’s grass on the field play ball..!!!

    • Carrie

      I feel like that grass probably looks like our grass down here in TX—brittle, greyish-yellow, and dead.

      • kimmykimkim

        With remnants of dog feces. Not fresh feces, but dried out by the sun for the past 40 something days kind of feces.

  3. Randal

    What’s another word for gross? Courtney!

    Randal

  4. Z

    I don’t know why…but my instinct is telling me to put her in my dead pool.

  5. Courtney Stodden Swimsuit Baywatch
    lilee
    Commented on this photo:

    Gross.

  6. Any Guy

    skank.

  7. wait is she is or is she aint 16? before i complain for an ass shot..

  8. Buddy the Elf

    Whoa hold the presses!
    Another skanky no talent nobody doing nothing of value.

  9. Courtney Stodden Swimsuit Baywatch
    Commented on this photo:

    You don’t see many 16-year-olds with hands like Madonna.

    • The Listener

      Exactly. She’s at least in her early 30s.

    • gluten

      Yes! They can replace anything they want with plastic parts in an attempt to look young, but there is nothing they can do about THE HANDS and eventually the TURKEY NECK..

  10. Akare

    I’m confused, why isn’t anyone going to jail at the end of this story?

    • gumption

      Because her mother is a 2 cent whore that pimped her daughter out. Anything outside the city limits of Seattle, WA is hillbilly land. She comes from a very small town where I once went to some event at the ocean and they were literally renting men’s USED swimming trunks for $2/day.

  11. L

    No, I used to write shit like that when I was 16. I actually began writing an erotic novel, but it was too much work and I couldn’t be bothered continuing it.
    16 year olds write stuff like that now. Product of our society etc.

    • Dan

      Agreed… this isn’t as rare a creature as Fish thinks.

      • Brooke

        I wrote erotic shit when I was in my mid teens, too. But the difference is, I never set up a website to take nearly naked photos of myself, I never married a man old enough to be my father/grandfather, and best of all I had parents who actually gave a shit about me and didn’t let me do anything completely future-crushing like any of this. I generally did my stupid shit under the radar.

  12. rough guys finish first

    As your trusted prophet from the future, I have come to tell you, that in the very near future, your porn stars will be the conservative ones. You don’t have to take my word for it.

  13. Shaftzits

    Cmon guys, she’s a good christian girl. that I would rape to death…

  14. jess

    She claims to have saved herself for marriage…Meaning that Doug Hutchison deflowered her. Grim. I used to think he was so cute, too, and now he just looks like a gnarly old untrustworthy social studies teacher.

  15. Courtney Stodden Swimsuit Baywatch
    alex
    Commented on this photo:

    she looks like she’s perpetually stroking out

  16. Anyone with half a brain knows that this whole 16 year old, marriage soap opera is a sham. It reeks of being staged and fake from the start. It’s just a bad “reality” show. Why is the public still buying this and not calling them out?

    • Pretty sure no one is buying it. People are just basically in awe of their stupidity and grossness at this point.

      • Guest

        I’m pretty sure people are. America is full of complete idiots. And don’t get all defensive, cause it is. Look at the ridiculous tv on Amerian stations. Everything is so terribly white trash … but the sad thing is, those idiots don’t REALIZE how completely stupid they are … I guess ignorance is bliss.

    • John Smith

      Naw, this is the real thing. A love like this can’t be staged. There’s nothing sham about this marriage, oh no. God told me. REALLY!

  17. kushiel

    I feel a sudden urge to go and get another Hepatitis shot.

  18. Nicotiné

    If it weren’t for grown men having sex with 16 year old girls for ages, half of us wouldn’t be here today.

  19. Tommy

    LOL 16 year old girls don’t talk like they’re reading aloud from the Penthouse Forum. That’s how desperate 40 year olds talk.

    • marcy

      true. when i was 16, i was writing bizarre children’s stories. sorry, creepy old men, the truth hurts.

  20. lilkunta

    She is 16. Unless you have a birth certificate that says otherwise.

    • stratacat

      If she’s 16, then I’m Harry Potter.

    • Do you have a birth certificate that says otherwise…one that wasn’t released by her publicist?

      How about a high school yearbook? or anything remotely verifiable? From my perspective all we have is her word that shes 16, and a whole shitload of photos on a website that look like a 30 year old.

      • TomFrank

        Considering how often people comment here how this or that celebrity looks a decade or so older than they “should look” for their age, I’m going to have to rule against relying merely on a “shitload of photos” to gainsay her.

  21. Kelce

    Just another attention whore child forced to live vicariously through her backwoods failure of a mother.

  22. Courtney Stodden Swimsuit Baywatch
    Cock Dr
    Commented on this photo:

    She’s claiming to be 16 years old?
    It appears she’s subtracted a decade…maybe more.
    Just another trashy famewhore.

  23. Frank Burns

    Come on, take these pictures down . . . this is an obviously messed up and exploited kid, and you don’t want to contribute to that!

  24. Courtney Stodden Swimsuit Baywatch
    Jess
    Commented on this photo:

    If she honestly is 16 now, she is gonna look nasty when she gets older, lookin 80 years old when shes only 25

  25. Courtney Stodden Swimsuit Baywatch
    meh
    Commented on this photo:

    Even though mega fucking creepy. he probably saved her from an inevitable career in hardcore porn.

  26. dotmatrix

    If you can look at the sixth and seventh pics and still think Courtney’s only 16, then you’re even dumber than she is.

  27. Courtney Stodden Swimsuit Baywatch
    asdasd
    Commented on this photo:

    This is not her, but her mother.

  28. grobpilot

    Thanks Fish, you asshole. Now we’re all going to jail. So, I’m going to stare at these pics for as long as possible before the black-and-white pulls up and I hear that knock at the door……

  29. Nat

    She is ridiculous. Everything she says/does revolves around sex.

    CourtneyStodden Courtney Stodden
    Spreading Victoria’s Secret’s Love Spell lotion all over my smooth body. Mmm… So sensual… so sweet. This scent is delicious!
    8 Aug Favorite Retweet Reply

  30. Courtney Stodden Swimsuit Baywatch
    angerinside
    Commented on this photo:

    For any of you who always wanted to see Traci Lords when she used to do porn, but can’t because it’s illegal and the internet would never allow such videos to exist, please see any of the above pics.

    NOTE-google just reported an upsurge in Traci Lords searches.

    Freaks!

  31. Satan

    She’s fugly and so fake it’s obvious.

  32. Steelerchick

    Not a chance leather face is 16!!

  33. Courtney Stodden Swimsuit Baywatch
    :P
    Commented on this photo:

    That dog is seriously contemplating drowning itself

  34. Courtney Stodden Swimsuit Baywatch
    Ana
    Commented on this photo:

    Call PETA, I’m pretty sure that’s animal abuse.

  35. Jimmy

    So is that bracelet on her upper arm going to be her “thing”?

  36. shan danger

    did another abomination fall out of dina lohan?

  37. kimmykimkim

    I saw a little snippet of an interview with these two. I think it was on Talk Soup but anyway, this bitch is weird as fuck. She was definitely rolling or something because she kept moving her mouth all sexually or – basically like a dog, you know when your petting a dog and they’re all happy doing that smacking thing with their tongue? Picture that but picture THIS chick doing it. So uncomfortable to watch. If I were at home right now, I’d look it up and post it here. You guys should check it out for shits and a lot of giggles (and about 5000 what the fucks.)

    • Carrie

      I saw the same interview (Buzzfeed has it, I think), and I thought the same thing. She was most definitely on some prescriptions of some sort. She couldn’t even focus her eyes. I made it about 15 seconds in and shut it off because she was weirding me out.

    • NineInchNailed

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iBSFrKJR4JQ

      This is one of the videos. I’m so creeped out. You’re right, she does some weird shit with her mouth like a dog.

  38. kimmykimkim

    And I hate to say this cuz its pretty fucked up and not something to joke about (except for in the case of the Hogan’s) but I’m pretty sure she was molested by her father. Or maybe an uncle, I don’t really know but something is very off about her, besides the obvious stuff. I kind of feel sorry for her but not sorry enough that it doesn’t make me want to vomit.

  39. grobpilot

    Pic #3: Her mouth makes her look like the Cowardly Lion from Wizard of Oz.

  40. Courtney Stodden Swimsuit Baywatch
    Lacey
    Commented on this photo:

    Wow. Doncha wish your girlfriend was a duck like me? Doncha?

  41. Courtney Stodden Swimsuit Baywatch
    briguy
    Commented on this photo:

    We’ll know how old she is soon because she’ll do porn the day she turns 18

  42. JesseJimmy

    This can’t be that hard. There have to be 29 year olds that were freshman when she was a senior. Someone please spend 5 minutes debunking this idiocy. The real question is why her parents are going along with this scam/sham.

    • Brooke

      Actually, there are newspaper articles people have scanned featuring her from a few years ago, and listing her age and such. Unless those are fakes… There are also a lot of people on her youtube posts saying they know her and she’s just as obnoxious and full of herself as she appears in her videos.

  43. Deacon Jones

    Her age is legit. There’s also youtube videos of her at 14 in a beauty pageant for all you sick fucks out there. Personally, I’m disgusted.

    (quickly places manilla folder over crotch as coworker walks to cube)

  44. Courtney Stodden Swimsuit Baywatch
    rachell
    Commented on this photo:

    Wow….she is TORE UP. Im 32 and look younger than this chick. In fact, when I first saw the story, I didnt know who either of these people were and I thought HE was the16 year old and she was in her 40s.

  45. Courtney Stodden Swimsuit Baywatch
    cow jugs
    Commented on this photo:

    The sad part is she really is 16 underneath it all. And her man is really only 18, after being stripped away of his wrinkles, premature sagging raising balls, and douche-bag corporate attitude ego.

  46. Courtney Stodden Swimsuit Baywatch
    em
    Commented on this photo:

    Her face isn’t exactly model material, but her body and the way she presents herself has a lot of people talking, and that marriage REALLY got her noticed. Sure, she’s another no-talent, but it’s the “no-talents” that make us all feel so much better about ourselves and the perfect judges. This is what keeps these kind of people raking in the money, is our own egos, not their’s.

  47. Courtney Stodden Swimsuit Baywatch
    ThighHighs
    Commented on this photo:

    I hope to God she’s not 16; at 25 she’s going to look 60.

  48. Beefarino

    I think the boobs are 16 and the rest of her is 32.

  49. Courtney Stodden Swimsuit Baywatch
    Undercover
    Commented on this photo:

    Holy demon Mary Kate Olsen!

  50. Courtney Stodden Swimsuit Baywatch
    My Left Nut
    Commented on this photo:

    Is that Molly Shannon with her?

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