For those of you just joining the Internet, people lost their shit last month when Horace from Lost (Real name: Doug Hutchison) somehow married “16″ year old Courtney Stodden, an aspiring model from Washington hence this entire production. I say 16 in sarcastic quotes because she just posted a picture of herself to Twitter ala Pamela Anderson in Baywatch (Sorry for the shitty quality up top, but the original pic is literally 218 pixels wide. I blame the school system.) which draws your attention to said Twitter and Jesus Fucking Christ. Maybe I’m hanging out at the wrong high schools, but I don’t know a lot of 16 year old girls with a background in writing for Penthouse Forum:
- Slowly slipping under these sensuous silk covers as I lie down in bed & entertain myself w/the classic movie “Gentlemen Prefer Blondes”. XOs
- A soft sensation sweetly kisses my body as I prepare for a sexy hot photo shoot this afternoon. What a breathtaking morning it has been! ;-)
- I love these steamy mornings that allow you to erotically roll out of bed in nothing but your cheeky string bikini. Mmm, how electrifying!
- Woke up to a perfect morning; Romantic melodies softly playing, my favorite breakfast all prepared, & my pups licking me up & down… Mmm!
- Throwin on a white string bikini, fluffy light up bunny ears, 7in heels, & a rhinestone bow tie while bakin cookies. Don’t Put It On Me Girl
- Just learned how to do the splits… Figured I’d need to know how to do that trick sooner or later! Who knew my legs were so flexible?! ;-)
The other day I was sitting around thinking how society could outdo itself for Teen Mom, and sure enough, it delivered: Pretend child brides baking cookies in heels and tweeting about fucking. I’m by no means a religious man, but I’m pretty sure if I keep looking at Courtney’s Twitter, I’ll turn into a pillar of salt. I can’t possibly see how that’s not the case.
Photo: Pacific Coast News, Splash News
“my pups licking me up & down… Mmm!” Umm what?
I had to reread that twice. . . .beastiality much? Gross. Gross. Gross.
Yeeeeeeeah total freak.
If she’s 16, then I’m a millionaire……
so for my sake, I hope she is 16.
If there’s grass on the field play ball..!!!
I feel like that grass probably looks like our grass down here in TX—brittle, greyish-yellow, and dead.
With remnants of dog feces. Not fresh feces, but dried out by the sun for the past 40 something days kind of feces.
What’s another word for gross? Courtney!
Randal
I don’t know why…but my instinct is telling me to put her in my dead pool.
just take a look at that guy she “married” and it will only confirm that instinct
What is that people like this want from life? what do they want from us!?!?!
Gross.
skank.
wait is she is or is she aint 16? before i complain for an ass shot..
Whoa hold the presses!
Another skanky no talent nobody doing nothing of value.
You don’t see many 16-year-olds with hands like Madonna.
Exactly. She’s at least in her early 30s.
Yes! They can replace anything they want with plastic parts in an attempt to look young, but there is nothing they can do about THE HANDS and eventually the TURKEY NECK..
I’m confused, why isn’t anyone going to jail at the end of this story?
Because her mother is a 2 cent whore that pimped her daughter out. Anything outside the city limits of Seattle, WA is hillbilly land. She comes from a very small town where I once went to some event at the ocean and they were literally renting men’s USED swimming trunks for $2/day.
That has to be the funniest shit I’ve ever heard.
No, I used to write shit like that when I was 16. I actually began writing an erotic novel, but it was too much work and I couldn’t be bothered continuing it.
16 year olds write stuff like that now. Product of our society etc.
Agreed… this isn’t as rare a creature as Fish thinks.
I wrote erotic shit when I was in my mid teens, too. But the difference is, I never set up a website to take nearly naked photos of myself, I never married a man old enough to be my father/grandfather, and best of all I had parents who actually gave a shit about me and didn’t let me do anything completely future-crushing like any of this. I generally did my stupid shit under the radar.
As your trusted prophet from the future, I have come to tell you, that in the very near future, your porn stars will be the conservative ones. You don’t have to take my word for it.
So in the future, everyone’s retarded?
I know what you mean. Just look at all of those that used to be Hippies, they’re all Insurance Salesmen now.
It’s got electrolytes!
It has what plant’s need.
Cmon guys, she’s a good christian girl. that I would rape to death…
because that’s the only way you can get sex.
She claims to have saved herself for marriage…Meaning that Doug Hutchison deflowered her. Grim. I used to think he was so cute, too, and now he just looks like a gnarly old untrustworthy social studies teacher.
just saw her website and she looks to have had a lot of work done on her. and she looks 26-33. if she’s a teenager i’m 21
She looks like a worn out saddle! If she looks like this at “16,” how’s she gonna look at 30? 40? I don’t have a penis, but if I did it’d be retreating into my body cavity at the thought!
If you mean a Social Studies teacher in a porn movie, then yes, she looks like a teacher, otherwise, where the Hell did you go to school?
“he” looks like a …Social Studies teacher. next time, please pay attention.
She looks like a high school teacher in the San Fernando Valley, and everyone knows that the SFV is the porn capital of the world.
My bad, I am having reading and spelling problems today
lol, i actually thought he was cute too…back in the early 90s, not these days she got the shitty end of the stick.
she saved herself until she was 16? wow, she really controlled herself, eh?
she is FUGLY!
Well, saving herself till she was 16 appears to be a big accomplishment for her.
she looks like she’s perpetually stroking out
Anyone with half a brain knows that this whole 16 year old, marriage soap opera is a sham. It reeks of being staged and fake from the start. It’s just a bad “reality” show. Why is the public still buying this and not calling them out?
Pretty sure no one is buying it. People are just basically in awe of their stupidity and grossness at this point.
I’m pretty sure people are. America is full of complete idiots. And don’t get all defensive, cause it is. Look at the ridiculous tv on Amerian stations. Everything is so terribly white trash … but the sad thing is, those idiots don’t REALIZE how completely stupid they are … I guess ignorance is bliss.
Naw, this is the real thing. A love like this can’t be staged. There’s nothing sham about this marriage, oh no. God told me. REALLY!
I feel a sudden urge to go and get another Hepatitis shot.
If it weren’t for grown men having sex with 16 year old girls for ages, half of us wouldn’t be here today.
irrelevant….also, stolen from fish like 5 weeks ago or something.
Yeah, and nothing ever changes or should change, I guess. Abolishing slavery and women’s suffrage, bah! Goddamn hipsters!
LOL 16 year old girls don’t talk like they’re reading aloud from the Penthouse Forum. That’s how desperate 40 year olds talk.
true. when i was 16, i was writing bizarre children’s stories. sorry, creepy old men, the truth hurts.
She is 16. Unless you have a birth certificate that says otherwise.
If she’s 16, then I’m Harry Potter.
She’s not 16. Closer to 30 !!
That sucks….it would have been cool being Harry Potter
Do you have a birth certificate that says otherwise…one that wasn’t released by her publicist?
How about a high school yearbook? or anything remotely verifiable? From my perspective all we have is her word that shes 16, and a whole shitload of photos on a website that look like a 30 year old.
Considering how often people comment here how this or that celebrity looks a decade or so older than they “should look” for their age, I’m going to have to rule against relying merely on a “shitload of photos” to gainsay her.
Just another attention whore child forced to live vicariously through her backwoods failure of a mother.
She’s claiming to be 16 years old?
It appears she’s subtracted a decade…maybe more.
Just another trashy famewhore.
Come on, take these pictures down . . . this is an obviously messed up and exploited kid, and you don’t want to contribute to that!
If she honestly is 16 now, she is gonna look nasty when she gets older, lookin 80 years old when shes only 25
Even though mega fucking creepy. he probably saved her from an inevitable career in hardcore porn.
If you can look at the sixth and seventh pics and still think Courtney’s only 16, then you’re even dumber than she is.
This is not her, but her mother.
Thanks Fish, you asshole. Now we’re all going to jail. So, I’m going to stare at these pics for as long as possible before the black-and-white pulls up and I hear that knock at the door……
She is ridiculous. Everything she says/does revolves around sex.
CourtneyStodden Courtney Stodden
Spreading Victoria’s Secret’s Love Spell lotion all over my smooth body. Mmm… So sensual… so sweet. This scent is delicious!
8 Aug Favorite Retweet Reply
For any of you who always wanted to see Traci Lords when she used to do porn, but can’t because it’s illegal and the internet would never allow such videos to exist, please see any of the above pics.
NOTE-google just reported an upsurge in Traci Lords searches.
Freaks!
She’s fugly and so fake it’s obvious.
Not a chance leather face is 16!!
That dog is seriously contemplating drowning itself
Call PETA, I’m pretty sure that’s animal abuse.
So is that bracelet on her upper arm going to be her “thing”?
did another abomination fall out of dina lohan?
I saw a little snippet of an interview with these two. I think it was on Talk Soup but anyway, this bitch is weird as fuck. She was definitely rolling or something because she kept moving her mouth all sexually or – basically like a dog, you know when your petting a dog and they’re all happy doing that smacking thing with their tongue? Picture that but picture THIS chick doing it. So uncomfortable to watch. If I were at home right now, I’d look it up and post it here. You guys should check it out for shits and a lot of giggles (and about 5000 what the fucks.)
I saw the same interview (Buzzfeed has it, I think), and I thought the same thing. She was most definitely on some prescriptions of some sort. She couldn’t even focus her eyes. I made it about 15 seconds in and shut it off because she was weirding me out.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iBSFrKJR4JQ
This is one of the videos. I’m so creeped out. You’re right, she does some weird shit with her mouth like a dog.
And I hate to say this cuz its pretty fucked up and not something to joke about (except for in the case of the Hogan’s) but I’m pretty sure she was molested by her father. Or maybe an uncle, I don’t really know but something is very off about her, besides the obvious stuff. I kind of feel sorry for her but not sorry enough that it doesn’t make me want to vomit.
Pic #3: Her mouth makes her look like the Cowardly Lion from Wizard of Oz.
Wow. Doncha wish your girlfriend was a duck like me? Doncha?
We’ll know how old she is soon because she’ll do porn the day she turns 18
This can’t be that hard. There have to be 29 year olds that were freshman when she was a senior. Someone please spend 5 minutes debunking this idiocy. The real question is why her parents are going along with this scam/sham.
Actually, there are newspaper articles people have scanned featuring her from a few years ago, and listing her age and such. Unless those are fakes… There are also a lot of people on her youtube posts saying they know her and she’s just as obnoxious and full of herself as she appears in her videos.
Her age is legit. There’s also youtube videos of her at 14 in a beauty pageant for all you sick fucks out there. Personally, I’m disgusted.
(quickly places manilla folder over crotch as coworker walks to cube)
Ha!
oh deacon, always managing to fail at being funny…
Wow….she is TORE UP. Im 32 and look younger than this chick. In fact, when I first saw the story, I didnt know who either of these people were and I thought HE was the16 year old and she was in her 40s.
The sad part is she really is 16 underneath it all. And her man is really only 18, after being stripped away of his wrinkles, premature sagging raising balls, and douche-bag corporate attitude ego.
Her face isn’t exactly model material, but her body and the way she presents herself has a lot of people talking, and that marriage REALLY got her noticed. Sure, she’s another no-talent, but it’s the “no-talents” that make us all feel so much better about ourselves and the perfect judges. This is what keeps these kind of people raking in the money, is our own egos, not their’s.
I hope to God she’s not 16; at 25 she’s going to look 60.
I think the boobs are 16 and the rest of her is 32.
Holy demon Mary Kate Olsen!
Is that Molly Shannon with her?