Courtney Stodden Isn’t 16. I’ll Start There.

For those of you just joining the Internet, people lost their shit last month when Horace from Lost (Real name: Doug Hutchison) somehow married “16” year old Courtney Stodden, an aspiring model from Washington hence this entire production. I say 16 in sarcastic quotes because she just posted a picture of herself to Twitter ala Pamela Anderson in Baywatch (Sorry for the shitty quality up top, but the original pic is literally 218 pixels wide. I blame the school system.) which draws your attention to said Twitter and Jesus Fucking Christ. Maybe I’m hanging out at the wrong high schools, but I don’t know a lot of 16 year old girls with a background in writing for Penthouse Forum:

- Slowly slipping under these sensuous silk covers as I lie down in bed & entertain myself w/the classic movie “Gentlemen Prefer Blondes”. XOs
– A soft sensation sweetly kisses my body as I prepare for a sexy hot photo shoot this afternoon. What a breathtaking morning it has been! ;-)
– I love these steamy mornings that allow you to erotically roll out of bed in nothing but your cheeky string bikini. Mmm, how electrifying!
– Woke up to a perfect morning; Romantic melodies softly playing, my favorite breakfast all prepared, & my pups licking me up & down… Mmm!
– Throwin on a white string bikini, fluffy light up bunny ears, 7in heels, & a rhinestone bow tie while bakin cookies. Don’t Put It On Me Girl
– Just learned how to do the splits… Figured I’d need to know how to do that trick sooner or later! Who knew my legs were so flexible?! ;-)

The other day I was sitting around thinking how society could outdo itself for Teen Mom, and sure enough, it delivered: Pretend child brides baking cookies in heels and tweeting about fucking. I’m by no means a religious man, but I’m pretty sure if I keep looking at Courtney’s Twitter, I’ll turn into a pillar of salt. I can’t possibly see how that’s not the case.

Photo: Pacific Coast News, Splash News