Courtney Stodden’s Struggle Is Real

The Courtney Stodden sex tape saga is in its pretend it was leaked phase, so here she is walking around crying in public yesterday so everyone will believe this is a terrible travesty and not a huge money-making deal she signed with Vivid which makes absolutely no sense and I’ll tell you why.

1. Everyone knows exactly how these deals work now. And if they somehow didn’t, it became crystal fucking clear when James Deen threw Farrah Abraham under the dick-bus where she power-washed it clean with her squirting vagina. I don’t know why I added that last part, but it seemed like a good idea at the time. Not to mention, I genuinely think it’s possible.

2. I’ve seen enough porn that I’ll never have a healthy, sexual relationship with a woman should one of them ever pull me out of a pile of comic books and find me worthy to put my – *looks at notes* – penswa? pen cup? into their vegan. – I assume women just carry one around. – Now, with those years of experience in mind, never once have I thought to myself, “I’ll only watch this if I’ve been meticulously convinced for weeks beforehand that it’s stolen,” but every single time I have thought, “Is this a free video of people fucking? ENGAGE.” (Have I mentioned I’m alone a lot? I have no idea why that is.)

Photos: FameFlynet