Courtney Stodden Is Single: An Opus

When 51-year-old Doug Hutchison married 16-year-old Courtney Stodden turning them into inexplicable Internet stars, it was without question the crown jewel of American exceptionalism. Legend has it George Washington himself rose from the grave and announced this to be the very reason he joined forces with Jesus to win the Revolutionary War with nothing but an AR-15 and old-fashioned racism. But now, Radar Online reports their marriage has been cast asunder as Courtney leaves Doug to strike out in pursuit of fame without the weight of old man testicles dragging her down. It pains me to even break the news to you for theirs was the love that was supposed to guide the wings of our own. So, now, let us look back at this magical journey of the heart and hopefully understand how two people, bound together by sacred oath, find themselves navigating uncharted waters in a canoe of loneliness. Or on crazy buoyant breasts. Whatever.

First off, let’s start on a serious, if not goddamn depressing note because Courtney Stodden used to look like this. At one point, she honestly was a normal, fresh-faced teenager and then through an abuse of collagen and I’m assuming time-travel, morphed into a 48-year-old former porn star from New Jersey.

Here’s Courtney Stodden’s first appearance on The Superficial and some might say her first appearance anywhere because I birthed her with my mind. To those people, I say you’re too kind, and correct as shit.

Like any young girl with dreams of fame and a body full of plastic, Courtney Stodden moved to Hollywood where the paparazzi had no idea who the fuck she was, so Doug had to take pictures of her with his cellphone and say to photo agencies, “Hey, here’s that chick that married that old guy. Ha! Isn’t that gross? Now pay me.”

At last, the big times! Here’s Courtney Stodden’s first canned bikini shoot with a professional photo agency because if there’s one thing the Internet will publish the fuck out of, it’s random nobodies in bikinis in case anyone gets tired of cat photos and porn. Which never happens, but it’s nice to know the option is there, amirite? You guys? *looks at traffic numbers, sobs*

Enter the haters. More specifically, your mom who knows your dad would jerk off to a Pottery Barn catalog if it had tits, so she got Courtney Stodden kicked off Facebook in a preemptive strike. In related news, Tila Tequila is still allowed on Facebook because it turns out there actually is a level of crazy that overshadows fake breasts. And they said it was just a myth…

Seriously, doesn’t your mother have a delicious roast to attend to? Because if a man can’t dry hump his child bride at a pumpkin patch without being asked to leave, then we might as well cancel Halloween because there’s no point to it anymore. Or this whole country if I’m being honest.

Tell your mom there’s a new Santa in town, and he’s here to hand out presents and sniff child bride vagina. And he’s all out of presents…

Let’s bring it back to the love because that’s really what this whole post is about and not spamming you in the face with 8,000 pics of Courtney Stodden’s breasts. (It’s definitely that last part.) Here’s Doug and Courtney celebrating a romantic Valentine’s Day on a boat where they force-fed each other strawberries before retreating to a fine Italian eatery to relive Lady And The Tramp. Which was Courtney’s favorite movie at the day care Doug found her at. He remembered!

By this time, Courtney Stodden had become a national treasure on par with Marilyn Monroe. Except not really, and this photo shoot was basically a giant piss in her grave, but you gotta respect the effort. The shameless, shameless effort.

Courtney Stodden might not do a lot of things right, but goddammit, she loves America and all the opportunities it provides. Where else can a young girl turn herself into a cartoon character, yet still have men masturbate to her pictures in an office restroom thanks to the advent of smartphones? Cram that in your socialized medicine, Europe bitches.

Some critics (i.e. your mom) will try and say that Courtney and Doug don’t have a wholesome relationship, but what’s more wholesome than a child-bride baking in lingerie with the very mother who sold her to a 51-year-old man in hopes of becoming the next Kris Jenner? June Cleaver’s pussy is practically a fire hydrant after reading this, that’s how Norman Rockwell-esque every single word I’ve just said is.

Just to show how dedicated Courtney Stodden was to her marriage, here she is posing as Bo Derek because you know who even knows who the hell that is? Old dudes.

She even washed his car! It’s never been cleaner. Or more dented by breasts.

When Courtney Stodden turned 18, that probably should’ve been the first sign of cracks in the relationship. And, no, not because of the porn offers, but because she was 18 and legal. “Gross,” Doug said.

Now that she’s 18, it’s much easier for Courtney to walk into a plastic surgeon without having Doug sign the parental consent forms which doesn’t at all make the sex weirder that night. “Ha! Remember when that guy asked if you’re my dad, and then you signed that form where a dad would sign? Do me with your old man balls, so I don’t have to pay rent!”

Because their love truly was real and forever, here’s Doug and Courtney moving past the whole turning 18 thing by shopping for Halloween costumes together. But what does a couple who has everything be?

They went with a knight and a slutty unicorn, and now I really can’t believe they broke up. THIS WORLD IS A DESTROYER OF LOVE.

This is where I think everything went wrong: Activism. Never get involved with activism. Especially PETA who will try and tell you things like animals aren’t meant to be delicious foods. I’m afraid this McRib and I disagree. — It’s made out of yoga mats? That’s an animal.

Wait. No crotch-sniffing Santa? Great. Now what am I supposed to tell the kids at the orphanage? Christmas is about togetherness? Fuck you.

And welcome to the beginning of the end. Normally, getting larger breasts is the key to any successful marriage, and all around personal growth in general, except guess what Courtney Stodden immediately did wrong with hers. Go ahead and guess.

She used them for activism. Sharia Law has some ideas, I’m just sayin’.

Well, it didn’t take a psychic to figure out where this was heading. Here’s Courtney and Doug in counseling despite having everything going for them. You’d think it’d be hard to ruin a relationship built on buying a 16-year-old girl from her mother and negotiating sex out of her by agreeing to audition for reality shows, yet here we are because someone wanted to tackle the “issues.” You know who else tried to tackle issues? Nazis, Courtney, Nazis.

And so, like every other failed marriage out there, this one ended with Courtney Stodden drunk in Europe after being locked in a house with Screech. A tale as old as time…


Photos: Coleman-Rayner