Courtney Stodden Is Single: An Opus

November 4th, 2013 // 69 Comments

When 51-year-old Doug Hutchison married 16-year-old Courtney Stodden turning them into inexplicable Internet stars, it was without question the crown jewel of American exceptionalism. Legend has it George Washington himself rose from the grave and announced this to be the very reason he joined forces with Jesus to win the Revolutionary War with nothing but an AR-15 and old-fashioned racism. But now, Radar Online reports their marriage has been cast asunder as Courtney leaves Doug to strike out in pursuit of fame without the weight of old man testicles dragging her down. It pains me to even break the news to you for theirs was the love that was supposed to guide the wings of our own. So, now, let us look back at this magical journey of the heart and hopefully understand how two people, bound together by sacred oath, find themselves navigating uncharted waters in a canoe of loneliness. Or on crazy buoyant breasts. Whatever.

First off, let’s start on a serious, if not goddamn depressing note because Courtney Stodden used to look like this. At one point, she honestly was a normal, fresh-faced teenager and then through an abuse of collagen and I’m assuming time-travel, morphed into a 48-year-old former porn star from New Jersey.

Here’s Courtney Stodden’s first appearance on The Superficial and some might say her first appearance anywhere because I birthed her with my mind. To those people, I say you’re too kind, and correct as shit.

Like any young girl with dreams of fame and a body full of plastic, Courtney Stodden moved to Hollywood where the paparazzi had no idea who the fuck she was, so Doug had to take pictures of her with his cellphone and say to photo agencies, “Hey, here’s that chick that married that old guy. Ha! Isn’t that gross? Now pay me.”

At last, the big times! Here’s Courtney Stodden’s first canned bikini shoot with a professional photo agency because if there’s one thing the Internet will publish the fuck out of, it’s random nobodies in bikinis in case anyone gets tired of cat photos and porn. Which never happens, but it’s nice to know the option is there, amirite? You guys? *looks at traffic numbers, sobs*

Enter the haters. More specifically, your mom who knows your dad would jerk off to a Pottery Barn catalog if it had tits, so she got Courtney Stodden kicked off Facebook in a preemptive strike. In related news, Tila Tequila is still allowed on Facebook because it turns out there actually is a level of crazy that overshadows fake breasts. And they said it was just a myth…

Seriously, doesn’t your mother have a delicious roast to attend to? Because if a man can’t dry hump his child bride at a pumpkin patch without being asked to leave, then we might as well cancel Halloween because there’s no point to it anymore. Or this whole country if I’m being honest.

Tell your mom there’s a new Santa in town, and he’s here to hand out presents and sniff child bride vagina. And he’s all out of presents…

Let’s bring it back to the love because that’s really what this whole post is about and not spamming you in the face with 8,000 pics of Courtney Stodden’s breasts. (It’s definitely that last part.) Here’s Doug and Courtney celebrating a romantic Valentine’s Day on a boat where they force-fed each other strawberries before retreating to a fine Italian eatery to relive Lady And The Tramp. Which was Courtney’s favorite movie at the day care Doug found her at. He remembered!

By this time, Courtney Stodden had become a national treasure on par with Marilyn Monroe. Except not really, and this photo shoot was basically a giant piss in her grave, but you gotta respect the effort. The shameless, shameless effort.

Courtney Stodden might not do a lot of things right, but goddammit, she loves America and all the opportunities it provides. Where else can a young girl turn herself into a cartoon character, yet still have men masturbate to her pictures in an office restroom thanks to the advent of smartphones? Cram that in your socialized medicine, Europe bitches.

Some critics (i.e. your mom) will try and say that Courtney and Doug don’t have a wholesome relationship, but what’s more wholesome than a child-bride baking in lingerie with the very mother who sold her to a 51-year-old man in hopes of becoming the next Kris Jenner? June Cleaver’s pussy is practically a fire hydrant after reading this, that’s how Norman Rockwell-esque every single word I’ve just said is.

Just to show how dedicated Courtney Stodden was to her marriage, here she is posing as Bo Derek because you know who even knows who the hell that is? Old dudes.

She even washed his car! It’s never been cleaner. Or more dented by breasts.

When Courtney Stodden turned 18, that probably should’ve been the first sign of cracks in the relationship. And, no, not because of the porn offers, but because she was 18 and legal. “Gross,” Doug said.

Now that she’s 18, it’s much easier for Courtney to walk into a plastic surgeon without having Doug sign the parental consent forms which doesn’t at all make the sex weirder that night. “Ha! Remember when that guy asked if you’re my dad, and then you signed that form where a dad would sign? Do me with your old man balls, so I don’t have to pay rent!”

Because their love truly was real and forever, here’s Doug and Courtney moving past the whole turning 18 thing by shopping for Halloween costumes together. But what does a couple who has everything be?

They went with a knight and a slutty unicorn, and now I really can’t believe they broke up. THIS WORLD IS A DESTROYER OF LOVE.

This is where I think everything went wrong: Activism. Never get involved with activism. Especially PETA who will try and tell you things like animals aren’t meant to be delicious foods. I’m afraid this McRib and I disagree. — It’s made out of yoga mats? That’s an animal.

Wait. No crotch-sniffing Santa? Great. Now what am I supposed to tell the kids at the orphanage? Christmas is about togetherness? Fuck you.

And welcome to the beginning of the end. Normally, getting larger breasts is the key to any successful marriage, and all around personal growth in general, except guess what Courtney Stodden immediately did wrong with hers. Go ahead and guess.

She used them for activism. Sharia Law has some ideas, I’m just sayin’.

Well, it didn’t take a psychic to figure out where this was heading. Here’s Courtney and Doug in counseling despite having everything going for them. You’d think it’d be hard to ruin a relationship built on buying a 16-year-old girl from her mother and negotiating sex out of her by agreeing to audition for reality shows, yet here we are because someone wanted to tackle the “issues.” You know who else tried to tackle issues? Nazis, Courtney, Nazis.

And so, like every other failed marriage out there, this one ended with Courtney Stodden drunk in Europe after being locked in a house with Screech. A tale as old as time…

Fin.

Photos: Coleman-Rayner

superficial

  1. Courtney Stodden Bikini Implants Devil Halloween
    Paully Boston Baby!
    Commented on this photo:

    She fucking LOVES the creepy old dudes huh? Why doesn’t she just start stripping at nursing homes?

  2. Now this, ladies and gentlemen is what people are talking about when they say the fabled words JOURNALISM. Truly, this is what struggling Newsies in the ’20′s were envisioning during their toils. This dear sirs, is what our boys were fighting for in Europe in the ’40′s… it has all lead to this. I… I am humbled by this moment.

  3. Courtney Stodden Bikini Implants Devil Halloween
    Paully Boston Baby!
    Commented on this photo:

    This guy was like ” A costume? I’m gonna be wearing Doug’s wife like a tee shirt, fuck a costume!”

  4. Epic write-up, Fish. I don’t think there’s anyone else on the planet who gives enough of a fuck about these two to put in this kind of effort.

    Oh, and “Do me with your old man balls, so I don’t have to pay rent!” is my favorite sentence today.

    • For me, it’s: “June Cleaver’s pussy is practically a fire hydrant after reading this, that’s how Norman Rockwell-esque every single word I’ve just said is.”

      *sniff* Joseph Pulitzer, on his best day, wished he could’ve been so eloquent.

    • cc

      I support that sentiment. The write up, followed by the grab old bag of previous Stodden posts make this one for the Library of Congress.

  5. Cock Dr

    The Santa photo shoot was my personal fave.
    I wish Courtney luck in her future Vegas club novelty hostess act career. Have fun being a bar toy for seedy organized crime figures and Japanese high rollers.
    Wouldn’t it be easier to just get a real job?

  6. Dox

    So… the pedophile and vapid airhead got divorced?

    Didn’t see that one coming. They seemed so normal.

  7. Courtney Stodden Bikini Implants Devil Halloween
    Commented on this photo:

    This is one of those times that, as a man, I’m comfortable enough with myself to say that I would totally have sex with the person on the left regardless of gender.

    • Halloween is “try a cross-dresser guilt free” day.

    • Face Mushroom

      You are a sick, blind, tasteless, desperate, individual.
      BTW the only way that twats halloween outfit is ok is if he was aiming to go as the worlds biggest most poofiest poof. its bloody ridiculous.

  8. Courtney Stodden Bikini Implants Devil Halloween
    elephantman
    Commented on this photo:

    She looks so stupid with those lips!

  9. Courtney Stodden Bikini Implants Devil Halloween
    Randal
    Commented on this photo:

    Whoa that’s a huge pizza!!

  10. I guess she figured out that younger guys can get it up more than once a night and dumped the old guy.

  11. Courtney Stodden Bikini Implants Devil Halloween
    Commented on this photo:

    I could easily kick her in her pouting duck lips… either set.

  12. Pip Pip Cheery-O

    Hey, they lasted longer than two Kardashian marriages. Way to go, Courtney!

  13. Courtney Stodden Bikini Implants Devil Halloween
    Commented on this photo:

    she doesn’t look like herself anymore. Is….that a…a BAD thing? I’m scared.

  14. Who wants to bet porn is in her near future? She wants to do it, and Doug didn’t want to let her.. Divorce. You pay for plastic tits, fake lips and more and there isn’t much left for you to do but try and make your money back.

  15. Courtney Stodden Bikini Implants Devil Halloween
    Slappy Magoo
    Commented on this photo:

    Always so embarrassing when the chaperones dress slutty and try to prove they’re cool to the young kids at the party…

  16. Courtney Stodden Bikini Implants Devil Halloween
    Commented on this photo:

    You KNOW she just threw the pizza away and stuff those plastic pizza box things under her skin. “plastic surger-me!”

  17. Dirty Travolta

    Bang-Bros here she cums ..

  18. D-chi

    I have been waiting for this post all weekend.

  19. Courtney Stodden Bikini Implants Devil Halloween
    D-chi
    Commented on this photo:

    Ew, black olives.

  20. Courtney Stodden Bikini Implants Devil Halloween
    Monsignor Nelson
    Commented on this photo:

    Dammit! I said “No anchovies!”

  21. Courtney Stodden Bikini Implants Devil Halloween
    D-chi
    Commented on this photo:

    She looks disturbingly like LiLo here.

  22. Courtney Stodden Bikini Implants Devil Halloween
    Phoenix
    Commented on this photo:

    Oops. My lips exploded.

  23. Stoddenporno

    That means we will have a Stodden porno by Christmas …. can I leave the planet before?

  24. If she is truly 19 yrs old now, then no porn exist on the internet? LMAO, search youtube for Gold Digger Prank and that will explain all about the stupidity of this women.

  25. Courtney Stodden Bikini Implants Devil Halloween
    Deacon Jones
    Commented on this photo:

    Yes…..Yesssssssss

  26. the scary part of this is that it means doug hutchinson is out shopping around.

  27. crb

    How sad to see the problems on the inside claw their way out to the surface. Who knows what monster this will evolve into eventually.

    Funny it’s Halloween pics, though. Isn’t this ~’thing’ the type of horror that Mary Shelley & Pals were warning us about?

  28. Heave-ho to Hubby! Finally free for flirty fun! Whee!

  29. Courtney Stodden Bikini Implants Devil Halloween
    Banana
    Commented on this photo:

    please note: doug’s withered balls hanging from her scanty costume. That’s no devils tail I’ve ever seen before.

  30. Courtney Stodden Bikini Implants Devil Halloween
    Commented on this photo:

    All I can think of is- hair in the pizza. EW.

  31. Courtney Stodden Bikini Implants Devil Halloween
    Commented on this photo:

    Is it just me or does she look like Alexis Arquette brother ?

  32. Courtney Stodden Bikini Implants Devil Halloween
    Commented on this photo:

    All that plastic surgery must have killed the muscles that allows her to close her mouth.

  33. Pat C.

    Let’s face it – she’s not the girl he married.
    I mean, if I marry a girl who looks like , I don’t particularly want her to change to . Otherise I would have just married someone who looked like in the first place.

  34. Courtney Stodden Bikini Implants Devil Halloween
    smh
    Commented on this photo:

    this girl is freaky looking…how old is she!! she looks between 20 and 50. i cant tell anymore!!

  35. Courtney Stodden Bikini Implants Devil Halloween
    Bob
    Commented on this photo:

    I’m glad you noted she was at a party because we all know there’s no way she’s talented enough to work for Domino’s.

  36. Courtney Stodden Bikini Implants Devil Halloween
    Kat
    Commented on this photo:

    Omg she looks nothing like her pre-surgery self

  37. Gawd, Fish, no one comes here for your frigging articles about giant boobies. We’re here to discuss POLITICS.

  38. yup

    So, let’s see… she lied about her age, bleached her hair to blond, got ridiculous porn star sized tit implants, married a much older recognizable actor just so she could get publicity, constantly double ententred everything she ever said and became one of the world’s most embarrassing attention whores by constantly being photographed spreading her legs & showing off her tits while wearing bikinis.

    Yup, she’s a Hollywood “actress” alright…

  39. Courtney Stodden Bikini Implants Devil Halloween
    Commented on this photo:

    My mom has better legs than those blotchy granny sticks.

  40. Courtney Stodden Bikini Implants Devil Halloween
    anonym
    Commented on this photo:

    i just wanna take a needle and pop those balloons

  41. Ladida

    1) She looked better stuffing her bra than getting implants
    2) Who the hell are these people she invites?
    3) Doug will probably commit suicide.

  42. It was obvious that she was single because we haven’t seen her with Doug for a month. I’m not old Courtney, as a matter of fact you look older than I do, but I’m available for rebound sex.

  43. Courtney Stodden Bikini Implants Devil Halloween
    Commented on this photo:

    Suddenly she has talent. Of getting her tiny fame and getting rid of her tiny hubby.

  44. Courtney Stodden Bikini Implants Devil Halloween
    Commented on this photo:

    The legs are emaciated.

  45. Courtney Stodden Bikini Implants Devil Halloween
    Commented on this photo:

    Who are those people? Are they even famous?

  46. Courtney Stodden Bikini Implants Devil Halloween
    Lord Evil Uncreator
    Commented on this photo:

    Lol who the hell are any of them.. and why is everyone except for two pictures old as shit? I can’t imagine Courtney has anything to do with these people on a regular basis, where are her OWN friends? Such a bizarre photo set. And Courtney has ruined her looks. She looks like a beat up drugged out hooker now instead of a pretty young lady.

  47. Courtney Stodden Bikini Implants Devil Halloween
    Shamu
    Commented on this photo:

    All I can think of is pubic hair in the pizza…yucky.

  48. Courtney Stodden Bikini Implants Devil Halloween
    Ginger Fail
    Commented on this photo:

    Awesome photo-bomb.

  49. Courtney Stodden Bikini Implants Devil Halloween
    Shamu
    Commented on this photo:

    Who are these lame-o’s? Her neighbors? Ugh. Nobody cares about non-celebrities Courtney!

  50. This useless whore makes the Kardashians look like Lady Di in comparison. She is the dream result for every white trash skank in every trailer park in America.

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