Courtney Stodden Made A Song About Banging Santa

Half a decade ago – *rereads, eats a bowl of Xanax*Courtney Stodden posed for a series of photos where she’s basically letting Doug Hutchinson dressed as Santa plow her in the snow. It was the perfect encapsulation of the holiday spirit, but don’t take my word for it. Click through the three separate galleries below. Click through ALL of that shit.

But now she’s back with a brand new music video “Mistletoe Bikini” that, based on the few parts I heard while staring at her stupid huge fake breasts, sounds a hell of lot like she had sex with the real Santa Claus. Mouth stuff and everything. Even more amazing, she actually expects people to pay money for this thing even though she put it on YouTube for free with her plastic boobs bouncing all over the place. That’s clearly the superior version unless iTunes figured out a way to make your iPhone screen feel like huge cartoon titties. And God knows I’ve tried. But the water balloons kept popping, and the cops are always like, “Hot dammit, that’s a boner. OPEN FIRE!” The technology’s just not there yet.

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Photo: Courtney Stodden/YouTube