‘Happy Birthday, Mr. President…’

February 20th, 2012 // 150 Comments
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“And so gentlemen, it is with formidable reluctance that I shall agree to a second term as this nation’s president, but not without a request for the following demands to be met in satisfactory manner as convenience permits:

Firstwith, as a peace offering to the men of Pennsylvania’s western region after soundly horse-punching their Whiskey Rebellion in the pantaloons region where one’s manhood doth lie, they shall become a breeding ground for linebackers. Also, racism. Multitudes and multitudes of racism. As it was written.

Secondwith, should there ever become a televised production of the forming of our Constitution, I will not cede ground on my demand that it be aired upon Home Box Office and that David Morse play a dramatic version of myself for David Morse is without dispute the balls. Seriously, he’s in everything.

Lastwith, on my birthday a young trollop of unknown age and possibly unknown gender, (These are saucy and unusual times these 1790s aren’t they?), shall portray another famous trollop, BUT and I do stress that but, he/she must clearly and without question have absolutely no knowledge of the prior, more recognizable trollop save for that time said source trollop’s undergarments became visible from an unfortunate wind. Any deviation shall result in King George coming back and buttholing your wives, per our secret accord in an Illuminati mansion occupied by an evil witch known only in hushed circles as “Madonna.”

In Satan We Trust (For real, nobody change that.),

George Washington,
December 14, 1792

The Superficial Wishes All Our Presidents A Happy President’s Day. Except John Tyler.

Photos: Jeff Rayner/Coleman-Rayner


  1. Courtney Stodden Marilyn Monroe
    Commented on this photo:

    “WAAAAAH, I’m insecure and have to put down a hot chick because every time I look at her slender body, it reminds me what a choco-chunk I am, WAAAAAH.” Seriously, ladies? Look at these and try to convince yourselves she’s not hot: fuckyeahcourtneystodden.tumblr.com/
    She’s hot, get over it.

    What a bunch of insecure, bitter bitches. Wouldn’t stick a dick in you in fear it might get bitten off half-way in.

  2. Courtney Stodden Marilyn Monroe
    Commented on this photo:

    ok although i loath lindsay lohan i think she has a gorgeous face that can pull off almost any character including marilyn. courtney does NOT have that same gift

  3. Courtney Stodden Marilyn Monroe
    Commented on this photo:

    Pretty saggy boobs for being 13.

  4. Courtney Stodden Marilyn Monroe
    Commented on this photo:

    please make it stop

  5. Courtney Stodden Marilyn Monroe
    Bittersweet Lenny
    Commented on this photo:

    Virtually anyone’s imagination could produce vastly superior images.

    This vapid bag o’tits is a deflated dirigible. So fun when they’re full, so sad when they sag.

  6. Courtney Stodden Marilyn Monroe
    Bittersweet Lenny
    Commented on this photo:

    Love the marbelliing.

  7. Courtney Stodden Marilyn Monroe
    Bittersweet Lenny
    Commented on this photo:

    Only Dead Presidents might pay attention.

  8. Courtney Stodden Marilyn Monroe
    Commented on this photo:

    Lindsay Lohan is going to be furious someone is stealing her style.

  9. Courtney Stodden Marilyn Monroe
    Commented on this photo:

    I think the car yard would be better off with one of those giant inflatable dancing men.

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