‘Happy Birthday, Mr. President…’

February 20th, 2012 // 150 Comments
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“And so gentlemen, it is with formidable reluctance that I shall agree to a second term as this nation’s president, but not without a request for the following demands to be met in satisfactory manner as convenience permits:

Firstwith, as a peace offering to the men of Pennsylvania’s western region after soundly horse-punching their Whiskey Rebellion in the pantaloons region where one’s manhood doth lie, they shall become a breeding ground for linebackers. Also, racism. Multitudes and multitudes of racism. As it was written.

Secondwith, should there ever become a televised production of the forming of our Constitution, I will not cede ground on my demand that it be aired upon Home Box Office and that David Morse play a dramatic version of myself for David Morse is without dispute the balls. Seriously, he’s in everything.

Lastwith, on my birthday a young trollop of unknown age and possibly unknown gender, (These are saucy and unusual times these 1790s aren’t they?), shall portray another famous trollop, BUT and I do stress that but, he/she must clearly and without question have absolutely no knowledge of the prior, more recognizable trollop save for that time said source trollop’s undergarments became visible from an unfortunate wind. Any deviation shall result in King George coming back and buttholing your wives, per our secret accord in an Illuminati mansion occupied by an evil witch known only in hushed circles as “Madonna.”

In Satan We Trust (For real, nobody change that.),

George Washington,
December 14, 1792

The Superficial Wishes All Our Presidents A Happy President’s Day. Except John Tyler.

Photos: Jeff Rayner/Coleman-Rayner


  1. Courtney Stodden Marilyn Monroe
    Commented on this photo:

    Ugh, how tacky is this person?

  2. Ohno

    oh god another Marilyn Monroe. Just let the chick die already

    p.s: I thought this was kate upton LOL

  3. NewGuy

    I like girls into cosplay. I want to stick my penis in her vagina.

  4. This is the kind of fine vitriol that keeps me coming back, Fish.

    And the whores, of course, the whores.

  5. Courtney Stodden Marilyn Monroe
    Commented on this photo:

    I just ate dinner and I see this shit. I can feel it coming back up…

  6. Ruth

    My kingdom for a paintball gun with a scope.

  7. Trek Girl

    It took me the longest time to figure out who this was.

  8. Courtney Stodden Marilyn Monroe
    Clown Shoes
    Commented on this photo:

    She looks like a chicken.

  9. Courtney Stodden Marilyn Monroe
    Commented on this photo:


  10. Courtney Stodden Marilyn Monroe
    Commented on this photo:

    Her mother must’ve been so proud when she was three and said, “mama, when I grow up, I want to be the cheapest looking slut possible.”

  11. Courtney Stodden Marilyn Monroe
    Commented on this photo:

    What kind of mother lets their 16 year old marry a 50 year old?
    I feel so sorry for her and the life she is going to have.

  12. Courtney Stodden Marilyn Monroe
    Commented on this photo:

    The gold arm band would have really done this photo shoot some justice.

  13. SewMeDown


  14. the snowman

    ………………Thank You.
    and may the force be with you.

  15. Courtney Stodden Marilyn Monroe
    Commented on this photo:

    Yeah, can definitely see “under-aged” vag here. Where I used to have a solid opinion on this whole debacle, the longer it rages on, the less I know what to say.

  16. tlmck

    They will never get that stink out of that city.

  17. Courtney Stodden Marilyn Monroe
    Commented on this photo:

    Courtney is obviously much prettier and smarter than Marilyn Monroe. She deserves a lot more respect than you guys give her. I mean she’s only 16 and she’s been able to grab the media’s attention and become a semi famous albeit controversial figure. She’s having fun getting your goat and will probably become rich doing it.

    • I have to begrudgingly agree with you — people do seem to hate her a lot, but she is just in bliss regardless of whether the attention’s good or bad. I think about her future — in three years, she’ll be a has-been at 20, and that’s sad.

  18. Courtney Stodden Marilyn Monroe
    Commented on this photo:

    looks like someone needs to shave her legs…

  19. Courtney Stodden Marilyn Monroe
    Ben Whofleck
    Commented on this photo:

    Tired whore tries to emulate famous sex symbol and ends up looking worse than Lindsey Lohan. It’s a sad, sad world.

  20. Courtney Stodden Marilyn Monroe
    Commented on this photo:

    Is it me…or does her crotch/groin area seem a little odd?

    I can’t put a finger in….errrr on it.

  21. Courtney Stodden Marilyn Monroe
    Commented on this photo:

    Shit, I know Marilyn’s hair was fake, but damn does this chick’s wig look busted.

  22. Courtney Stodden Marilyn Monroe
    Commented on this photo:

    ZOOM Feature wins again!!

  23. Courtney Stodden Marilyn Monroe
    Commented on this photo:

    Haters gonna hate

  24. Bordo

    She’s the white Tila Tequila, except no one is throwing feces at her yet.

  25. Courtney Stodden Marilyn Monroe
    Commented on this photo:

    She is completely disgusting..Is there anybody who actually finds that little slut attractive?? Her body shape sorta looks like one of those little green men aliens with the wide top and tapering to narrow bottom. She is gross on so many levels!!

    • Stupid

      Fat chicks like you are always jealous & haters.

    • Ruth

      I am a straight woman and I think she superficially looks good, the hair, the figure etc. I think she’s a ridiculous human being, is in no way ‘all natural’ and i think her husband is a disgusting paedophile, but she’s got a rocking body nonethless.

  26. Dramatic Puddle

    Come on, guys. You’re getting as bad as that ass clown Perez Hilton with posting shit about people your readers have asked you to stop f*cking posting about. Nobody is interested in this whore, and the only reason I can think of for you to post about her is that you’re paid to. Shes a skank nobody. FFS drop her already.

  27. Courtney Stodden Marilyn Monroe
    Commented on this photo:

    That is NOT a flattering image of her face.
    Excuse me.

    • Rapsutin's Evil Twin

      Or the rest of her. Are these stills from a cut-rate porno called “Marilyn Monroe Gangbang” or something like that? This could haunt our nightmares for weeks.

  28. Courtney Stodden Marilyn Monroe
    Commented on this photo:

    Marilyn didn’t have a Harpo Marx fro, black bra, bony legs or look like a ho. Thumbs down.

  29. Courtney Stodden Marilyn Monroe
    Commented on this photo:

    Looks like a skrank to me.

  30. mrsmass

    the Marilyn Monroe thing is hack, just like good ole Marilyn herself. never understood why people thought she was so great.

  31. Courtney Stodden Marilyn Monroe
    Commented on this photo:

    Also, she needs to not be wearing a bra — black or otherwise — with a halter dress…

  32. just say'n

    This is getting real old, real fast.

  33. Good grief man… please stop tricking me into clicking on Courtney fucking Stodden articles.

  34. Marilyn Monroe was simply charming, a sparkling beauty with tremendous sexual charisma. She wasn’t much of a dramatic actress (she never could have done Ibsen, or even her husband Arthur Miller’s work), but she was fantastic in screwball comedies. With the right director at the helm (like Billy Wilder), her deft, light touch really came through. And men like Wilder knew how to deploy her emotional fragility and pathos to best effect on the screen.

    Stodden? Not a tenth of Monroe’s beauty, not a twentieth of the humor (unless it’s her intention to make us all laugh at her, which I doubt), and not a hundredth of the sex appeal. I understand why so many starlets want to be seen as Monroe, but Monroe was one-of-a-kind. Starlets are everywhere. And skanks like Stodden are a dime a dozen.

  35. Courtney Stodden Marilyn Monroe
    Rapsutin's Evil Twin
    Commented on this photo:

    Yes, it’s got to be from a porn shoot.

  36. Courtney Stodden Marilyn Monroe
    Commented on this photo:

    Bony legs, wide hips, and It looks like she could elbow herself in the groin. (please do)

  37. Courtney Stodden Marilyn Monroe
    Herbal Magic Really Works Guys
    Commented on this photo:

    Sir, put the camera down and step away from the tenderoni. You are under arrest for producing child pornography.

  38. Schmock

    She looks like a better Marilyn then that overrated Michelle Williams does.. LOL

  39. Courtney Stodden Marilyn Monroe
    Commented on this photo:

    That’s not acid rain falling from the sky–it’s whore juice. Take cover America.

  40. Courtney Stodden Marilyn Monroe
    Commented on this photo:

    She looks like the Chicken Lady from Kids in the Hall!!!!

  41. Courtney Stodden Marilyn Monroe
    Commented on this photo:

    Oh for fuck’s sake….enough with the damn Monroe emulation!

  42. Courtney Stodden Marilyn Monroe
    Commented on this photo:

    you guys are too harsh.

    I think she does a better job than Lindsay.

    I’d hit that, then throw her off the roof she’s standing on.
    Then go down to the ground floor and hit it again.
    Then throw her in the dumpster.

  43. Courtney Stodden Marilyn Monroe
    Commented on this photo:

    Is she REALLY 16? Good God, her attractiveness is going to be someone’s prison sentence.

  44. Courtney Stodden Marilyn Monroe
    Commented on this photo:

    She’s actually very attractive, heels and all.

  45. Courtney Stodden Marilyn Monroe
    Commented on this photo:

    I think she’s also channelling Elvis aswell as Marilyn with her top lip in the first pic…

  46. Courtney Stodden Marilyn Monroe
    carol rules
    Commented on this photo:


  47. Courtney Stodden Marilyn Monroe
    Commented on this photo:

    I wish she would die early like Marilyn too.

  48. Courtney Stodden Marilyn Monroe
    Commented on this photo:

    How else do you expect her chicken cutlets to stay in place, she needs a bra to keep them there.

  49. Courtney Stodden Marilyn Monroe
    Commented on this photo:

    who is this chick?? looks like she is 16 yrs. old. Marilyn atleast had curves.. wth?!

  50. Courtney Stodden Marilyn Monroe
    Commented on this photo:

    Not any the elegance nor class of Marilyn. maybe she should try a Lohan pose instead; it’s more her speed.

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