‘Happy Birthday, Mr. President…’

February 20th, 2012 // 150 Comments
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“And so gentlemen, it is with formidable reluctance that I shall agree to a second term as this nation’s president, but not without a request for the following demands to be met in satisfactory manner as convenience permits:

Firstwith, as a peace offering to the men of Pennsylvania’s western region after soundly horse-punching their Whiskey Rebellion in the pantaloons region where one’s manhood doth lie, they shall become a breeding ground for linebackers. Also, racism. Multitudes and multitudes of racism. As it was written.

Secondwith, should there ever become a televised production of the forming of our Constitution, I will not cede ground on my demand that it be aired upon Home Box Office and that David Morse play a dramatic version of myself for David Morse is without dispute the balls. Seriously, he’s in everything.

Lastwith, on my birthday a young trollop of unknown age and possibly unknown gender, (These are saucy and unusual times these 1790s aren’t they?), shall portray another famous trollop, BUT and I do stress that but, he/she must clearly and without question have absolutely no knowledge of the prior, more recognizable trollop save for that time said source trollop’s undergarments became visible from an unfortunate wind. Any deviation shall result in King George coming back and buttholing your wives, per our secret accord in an Illuminati mansion occupied by an evil witch known only in hushed circles as “Madonna.”

In Satan We Trust (For real, nobody change that.),

George Washington,
December 14, 1792

The Superficial Wishes All Our Presidents A Happy President’s Day. Except John Tyler.

Photos: Jeff Rayner/Coleman-Rayner


  1. Courtney Stodden Marilyn Monroe
    Commented on this photo:

    Look at 4th and 6th photo…the minor has no ass.

  2. tom

    Not that bitch again!

  3. Courtney Stodden Marilyn Monroe
    Commented on this photo:

    What has been seen cannot be unseen….

  4. Mother Nature…I know we’ve fucked with you a lot over the years, but now would be a great time of an 80 mph gust of wind.

  5. Courtney Stodden Marilyn Monroe
    Motorboat Captain
    Commented on this photo:

    Hey look everybody, underage labium majorum!

  6. Richard McBeef

    I just finished jerking off to the second Grover Cleveland, so I’ve only got 20 left. Not looking forward to FDR, wheelchairs creep me the fuck out.

  7. Jill

    That post was awesome, and must add that I just got pant-pissing excited that someone else recognizes how much of a badass David Morse is. Also, why the no Tyler love? If any ex-pres deserves to be called out, it’s Van Buren. Fuck that prick.

  8. Courtney Stodden Marilyn Monroe
    Commented on this photo:

    The only reason she isn’t doing this photo shoot over a subway grate is that it would blow the crabs up into her face.

  9. Courtney Stodden Marilyn Monroe
    Commented on this photo:

    Marilyn didn’t have a huge nose and fugly looking plastic hair.

    • Brooke

      Marilyn didn’t have a huge nose because she had it whittled down by plastic surgeons… Her hair color wasn’t exactly natural, either.

      That said, Monroe >>>>>>>>>>>>>>>this dumb bitch

  10. Courtney Stodden Marilyn Monroe
    Commented on this photo:

    FAIL…She should wait until she hits puberty and try again…

  11. I think a better and more appropriate dress for this girl’s age is the white dress Helen Mirren wore in R.E.D. But hey I am old fashioned, I don’t like seeing grandmas wearing sweatpants with the word “sexy” on the back.

  12. JP

    Nor orange outlines of a fake tan. Why do these irrelevant whores think they need to pose as Marilyn Monroe? It’s an insult to Marilyn. Seriously.

  13. Courtney Stodden Marilyn Monroe
    your mom
    Commented on this photo:

    There is so much wrong with these photos, I don’t even know where to begin…

  14. tom

    Is she on crack or something? Has she been drugged? No sane human being could possibly pose like this.

  15. Courtney Stodden Marilyn Monroe
    Commented on this photo:

    Nice pubs hanging out.

  16. Courtney Stodden Marilyn Monroe
    Commented on this photo:

    And maybe she could’ve gone to Target before her photo shoot and got some undies that aren’t stained? Nice.

  17. El Jefe

    I think she and Lohan should co-host SNL together, I mean what could possibly go wrong?

  18. cc

    It would be somewhat better if she wasn’t wearing a wig from one of the cut rate Hallowe’en costume shops. I am sure it set them back less than a pack of Marlboros.

  19. No arm band? Damn, that blows that theory.

  20. Deacon Jones

    Well, maybe its just me but I think she looks very doable in these pics. In fact, i thought this was Kate Upton when I first saw the post.

  21. Courtney Stodden Marilyn Monroe
    Commented on this photo:

    Her ass is so fuc*ed that even the dildo tree she is backing up onto wouldn’t even touch the sides. It’d be like parking a chevy aero in the middle of the Staples Center…

  22. Courtney Stodden Marilyn Monroe
    Commented on this photo:

    Lip Slipage.

  23. Courtney Stodden Marilyn Monroe
    Commented on this photo:

    If anyone actually believed she’s 17, then I’m pretty sure this would count as child pornography.

  24. Courtney Stodden Marilyn Monroe
    Commented on this photo:

    I’d be surprised her underwear don’t have the days of the week written on them but she’s probably still learning how to use a calendar.

  25. Can we have a moratorium on all things Marilyn Monroe?

  26. Courtney Stodden Marilyn Monroe
    Commented on this photo:

    so sad to see this young girl with obvious mental problems acting like an idiot for the world to see. her parents should be ashamed of themselves for not taking responsibility in helping her, allowing her to do whatever she wanted to do and then allowing her to marry that pedophile when she was only 17. they abandoned her and she’s going to live fast and die young.

    • Ohno

      I would one plus you except she’s like 80

    • What the what

      I couldn’t agree more, karlito. If some 50 year old was sniffing around my 16 year old daughter I’d call the cops, no marry her off to him. It’s disgusting.

  27. Courtney Stodden Marilyn Monroe
    Commented on this photo:

    Marilyn Monroe may have fucked JFK and half of the West Wing, but I’m pretty sure she never wore clear stripper heals or a black bra, with a white backless dress…
    On the upside tho, this is the first time she’s been out in public in the last 12 months, without that cheep 90′s armband on.

  28. Courtney Stodden Marilyn Monroe
    E. Fudd
    Commented on this photo:

    that is one ugly Marylin Monroe… seriously.

  29. Courtney Stodden Marilyn Monroe
    Commented on this photo:

    this idiot needs to get a bra that fits. she needs to go down a band size because it’s not supposed to ride up on her back like that.

    • Isabel

      ummm usually when u have big boobs the back of the bra goes up a little…because its so heavy in the front…getcho facts straight

  30. Courtney Stodden Marilyn Monroe
    Commented on this photo:

    And finally, I promise not to steal and bleach Juliette Lewis’ wig from “The Other Sister”

  31. Dweezel

    More like, ‘Adam Weishaupt’, amirite?

  32. By wearing panties I think she missed the boat on an opportunity to really make a mark on society. Without them this would have been a photo shoot to remember.

    Also, what’s up with the black brassiere? She should have forgone that piece of apparel as well.

    Oh well, she’s young…or so they claim.

  33. Courtney Stodden Marilyn Monroe
    Commented on this photo:

    Seriously, what is up with her bellybutton? Does she have secret kids somewhere?

    • Hunteress

      OMG I have always thought that!!!! SO creepy.

      • Dana

        It’s huge…I’ve never had that kind of bellybutton when I was the age she says she is, and I’ve never said anyone else with that kind either. EXCEPT for women who have had a good amount of kids…

  34. AnnaDraconida

    This female & her mate is like a particularly gory car accident/train wreck. Makes you nauseous but somehow you can’t look away.

  35. Courtney Stodden Marilyn Monroe
    Commented on this photo:

    Uhh, I can see one of your Dougies.

  36. Courtney Stodden Marilyn Monroe
    Commented on this photo:

    I’m pretty sure Marilyn Monroe didn’t wear a trashy black push-up bra when she wore that dress. Or look like a tranny.

  37. Courtney Stodden Marilyn Monroe
    Commented on this photo:


  38. Courtney Stodden Marilyn Monroe
    Commented on this photo:

    I didn’t know Marilyn Monroe wore lucite heels.

  39. Courtney Stodden Marilyn Monroe
    Commented on this photo:

    No no no no. Marilyn was holding the dress DOWN. Not pulling it up. Reason number 479 we would never ever ever confuse these photos with Marilyn.

  40. cp3

    Will Dougie buy her a new pair of shoes already? She even jogs in those got-dam lucite heels. For the love of…

  41. Frugal Gourmet


  42. Courtney Stodden Marilyn Monroe
    Commented on this photo:

    Marilyn was a skank, so, you know. If the shoe fits.

  43. Courtney Stodden Marilyn Monroe
    Commented on this photo:

    If there were a god, the stripper heels would have snapped off at this very moment.

  44. Courtney Stodden Marilyn Monroe
    Commented on this photo:

    Not even close, fug!!!

  45. dee cee

    Her armband is missing.. she might die!

  46. Courtney Stodden Marilyn Monroe
    Commented on this photo:

    Couldn’t he at least buy her another pair of shoes?

  47. Courtney Stodden Marilyn Monroe
    Commented on this photo:

    This girl must be stopped!

  48. lori

    Lame. And don’t diss Marilyn Monroe. She was a beautiful woman with genuine sex appeal, charisma and real talent. Don’t compare her to this skank. If you can’t tell the difference, then you don’t have a soul. Pathetic.

  49. Courtney Stodden Marilyn Monroe
    Commented on this photo:

    oh god another Marilyn Monroe. Just let the chick die already

    p.s: I thought this was kate upton LOL

  50. Courtney Stodden Marilyn Monroe
    Commented on this photo:

    wow she just showed her pussy lmao wtf is wrong with this chick

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