Courtney & Doug Have Something To Tell You

November 6th, 2013 // 24 Comments
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Goddammit, this is like watching a unicorn die. WHY?!?

Earlier in the week, we learned that the greatest romance of every single generation known to man was coming to an end, and now comes an official statement from Courtney Stodden and Doug Hutchison letting us know that even though we’ll only see one of them on the weekends, they both love us very much. Strangely, they don’t say this is all my fault for touching myself at night, but I know it is. I know it is. Via The Daily Mail:

After two and a half years of marriage, Courtney and Doug have decided to become legally separated. This is a mutual and amicable decision that they’re making together. As you know, Courtney was married at a young age. Now, at nineteen, she’s interested in exploring life as an unmarried single young adult — with the freedom to explore her independence. Doug supports Courtney 100%. The two will share custody of their precious pup, Dourtney, remain living in the same house [for now] in separate bedrooms, and Doug will be co-managing Courtney’s career.
“We love each very much, want for each other’s happiness, and will continue being the best of friends for life”. — Doug Hutchison and Courtney Stodden

Granted, some people might say that living in the same house, but in separate rooms, while Doug still manages Courtney’s career is basically the same exact arrangement as before minus the subtext of pretending she’ll eventually have sex with him, but those people have clearly given up on life and the pursuit of love’s sweet rewards that Courtney and Doug dared to reach for. It takes a village, you guys. Or in this case a day care with very lax security, but you get where I’m coming from.

Photos: GSI Media

superficial

  1. Deacon Jones

    Don,

    Do you prefer Southwest or US Air? Im booking us plane tickets to LA. Bring your camo.

  2. Lord Evil Uncreator

    Douggie! Bone her in the A before you lose exclusive access rights!

  3. I can’t wait for her inevitable porn career.

  4. 1. I still can’t believe they named their fucking dog Dourtney

    2. So she wants to be free to go slut it up even more than currently. Is this really a surprise?

    • JC

      Regarding #2, I think it’s less a desire to slut it up then it is, “This publicity stunt has gotten me as much attention as it’s going to. Time to milk a few more minutes of fame from a divorce.”

      Next up for Courtney: lesbianism. Given her age preferences, I say watch out, Janet Reno!

      • I still don’t understand what Doug was supposed to get out of this arrangement; the character acting seemed to be going OK for him, and if he wanted a young chick, he could have hooked up with some fresh off the bus 19 year old, and not looked like a complete pervert.

      • I submit that no matter whom he hooked up with, there’s no way in hell that Doug Hutchison could ever not look like a complete pervert.

    • Regarding #1: They hoped “Dourtney” would catch on in the celeb-gossip trade, like “Brangelina,” or “Bennifer,” or “Filliam H. Muffman.” Everything these people do is about fame-whoring.

      Regarding #2: I have the feeling that this is all part of a pitch for another reality show. “Teen Divorcée” or something like that. Because everything these people do…(see above).

  5. Managing her career sounds like handling the craigslist bookings.

    They all need to die in a fire of unimaginable magnitude, including Dourtney who is certainly not an innocent.

  6. I’m sure they chortle themselves to sleep at the clever hilarity of the name “Dourtney”. If they get another dog, they can name it “Cug”. If that bitch is 19, I’m 12.

  7. dave

    please go away.

  8. Chris

    I need to know that the dog being named “Dourtney” is a joke….I need to…lie to me…just tell me it’s a joke…

    • Dox

      There is no dog. Close your eyes…. listen to the gentle fapping of the waves. (pun intended). Your in a special place. It’s safe. The light streams down through the trees… and there’s Victoria Beckham… but suddenly she morphs into Courtney Stodden. And oh god, she’s naked. She reaches for you with her skeletal, plastic hands.

      Grasping you, she throws you down on the ground, and her raspy undead like voice says…

      “This will not be over quickly. You will not enjoy it.”

      (Wow, that’s a long way to go for a Sparta joke.)

  9. Dox

    Come on guys.
    Look at the picture. That’s a woman of class… distinction… sensuality…. and…

    Ah fuck it, I cant even say it with a straight face.

  10. Freebie

    Wow – didn’t see that coming.

  11. Look at the body language, people, please. Do you honestly think love was ever involved? Or sex? One look tells me no, at every picture I’ve seen. No, they’ve never boned. Never will. I don’t think he’s a pedophile, just an idiot is all. Agree with JC.

  12. Courtney Stodden Cleavage Butt Short Shorts Pumpkin Patch
    Dox
    Commented on this photo:

    “I see your ping pong balls Winona, and raise you pumpkins….”

  13. Courtney Stodden Cleavage Butt Short Shorts Pumpkin Patch
    Dox
    Commented on this photo:

    “Sadly, after her crotch was exposed to air, the entire pumpkin patch wilted and died. The owners were seen hastily leaving as they screamed something about Amityville and Tuna Fish.”

  14. Courtney Stodden Cleavage Butt Short Shorts Pumpkin Patch
    Dox
    Commented on this photo:

    2 Things

    1) At what point does it become erotic to turn your elbow in a painful direction, and look disjointed? And is this a porn I have yet to hear about?

    2) Anyone notice that no matter how many times she is upside down, gravity has no effect on her breasts. That’s…. just disgusting.

  15. Courtney Stodden Cleavage Butt Short Shorts Pumpkin Patch
    Dox
    Commented on this photo:

    If he doesn’t wash his hands well, he’s gonna wind up with Salmonella.

    I’m just sayin….

  16. Courtney Stodden Cleavage Butt Short Shorts Pumpkin Patch
    Dox
    Commented on this photo:

    There’s a significant difference between a woman that looks sensuous and sexy, and a woman that is desperately trying to blatantly look sexy.

    If you have to try really hard… then you aren’t doing it right.

  17. We’ll know it’s truly over when Doug releases her real birth certificate to the internet. Long form though. We already fell for that once with Obama.

  18. Hey, she got married at the tender age of 39. Now she needs to explore the great big wide world and enjoy the single life.

  19. There is one awful but indisputable fact: Doug had her at her best.

    Now it’s just silicone and nightclub owner’s semen residue.

  20. richie

    …and they said it wouldn’t last

  21. Courtney Stodden Cleavage Butt Short Shorts Pumpkin Patch
    meeester
    Commented on this photo:

    Sure is a sweet natural smile….and her also

  22. Courtney Stodden Cleavage Butt Short Shorts Pumpkin Patch
    meeester
    Commented on this photo:

    Sure is a sweet natural smile….and her also.
    gotta admit; she looks pretty good for 56

  23. innit

    Wait…she´s 19!!????
    She looks almost 40! WTF is up with that?

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