Shortly after announcing their trial separation, David Arquette suddenly became an open book and went on Howard Stern to tell everyone Courteney Cox stopped having sex with him a month before they began filming Scream 4. Except, in a surprise move, she actually went on Stern with him yesterday and confirmed his story but with the caveat that David basically wants to do it at inappropriate times. Or has a penis for short. Via Us Magazine:
“This is one of our problems in our relationship. Whenever I would need consoling from David, he could not literally put his arm around me for one second without completely getting a boner.”
She added: “[He] was never like, ‘Oh, I’m so sorry your Dad is dying. Can we f**k?’”
Arquette, 39, interjected: “Come on!”
“No, that’s the truth,” she countered.
“That time I was good,” Arquette said. (Her father, Richard Cox, died of cancer in 2001.)
“Hey, remember when your dad died? I was totally cool with just a handy, so don’t say I never loved you!” Anyway, after hearing all of this, David basically slipped into depression and started pouting that Courteney needs to accept their marriage is completely over:
“I’m always ready for [Courteney],” Arquette explained. “I know I’m more in touch with what she needs now…She takes one sort of thing and she clumps it [and says] that’s what happens all the time in our relationship. It’s not really true.”
As the chat progressed, Arquette got even more frank (and despairing) with Cox: “I think you’re over it, baby. You just need to admit it and we just need to figure out next steps.”
Of course, this would’ve been a great time for Courteney to go, “Hey, you know what? You’re right,” but instead she decided to keep insisting her beach getaways with Josh Hopkins are purely platonic, thus toying even further with David’s emotions. Probably because he tried to fuck her when her dad died. I’m just tossing that out there:
Has Cox had sex since their announced split? “I have not had sex,” she insisted.
She also added that she’s not romantically involved with any of her Cougar Town costars (despite speculation about flings with Josh Hopkins and Brian van Holt). “They really don’t want to get involved in this mess. These guys actually really like David, and I’m also Executive Producer of the show, it’s kind of an awkward thing.”
I’m going to assume her co-stars not wanting to get involved has a whole lot more to do with Courteney Cox’s documented hatred of sex and less about David Arquette’s feelings which, clearly, no one in this situation cares about. To put things in perspective, ask any guy if they’d turn down having sex with Courteney Cox because it’d make her hipster doofus ex that lives off her money cry. I’d do it specifically because of that. Don’t get me wrong, she’s an attractive woman, but I’m a deep and complex person who hates anyone that still goes swing dancing. So, in a way, it’s like he wanted me to do it.