Yesterday, Gywneth Paltrow and Chris Martin shocked absolutely no one by announcing they’re separating. Except separating is a plebeian word beneath one of Madame GOOP’s station, so they’re calling it “conscious uncoupling” and providing reading material from new age therapists so that we, the swine and downtrodden, may better understand the evolutionary nature of their marriage and not define in it such pedestrian terms as “divorce” or “tired of fucking each other.” Via E! News:
Paltrow shared a 2,000-word article by the husband-and-wife doctor and dentist to define the term. The report is split into six sections: Until Death Do Us Part, End of the Honeymoon, Intimacy & Insects, Conscious Uncoupling, Wholeness in Separation and Coming Together.
“Divorce is a traumatic and difficult decision for all parties involved—and there’s arguably no salve besides time to take that pain away,” the spouses say. “However, when the whole concept of marriage and divorce is reexamined, there’s actually something far more powerful—and positive—at play.”
According to Sadeghi and Sami, high divorce rates should be viewed in the context of our “skyrocketing life expectancy.” They argue that social norms are contradictory with people’s true needs, writing, “Our biology and psychology aren’t set up to be with one person for four, five, or six decades.”
“The idea of being married to one person for life is too much pressure for anyone,” they continue.
So, you see, it’s not Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin’s fault that their marriage failed and they found other people’s sex organs more appealing, it’s society’s fault for increasing life expectancy and making marriage way too long of a prison sentence than it was originally designed to be. Which, I can’t believe I’m saying this, actually makes sense. When Jesus invented marriage in his gun shed, most people died in their early 30s. Had anyone known at the time that people would live not only twice that amount, but three times, I’m pretty sure they would’ve changed the rest of your life part to something more reasonable.
“Fifty years, my Lord? With the same woman?”
“I hear you, Simon Peter, it does seem excessive. Mary Magdalene, what sayeth you?”
“Oh, so now you care about my opinion? When you’re with your buddies suddenly it’s, ‘Oh, hey, Mary, how are you? Hey, Mary, what do you think of this?’ Last night, I said I liked a chair you made, and you know what you said? Do you know what this bastard said to me?”
“Please, Mary, now’s not the time…”
“He said. ‘Woman, I do not payeth you to inspect my carpentry. I payeth you to blow me.’ Two-faced sonofabitch.” *storms out*
“… So how about five years? We’ll make this marriage thing five years.”
“Very good, my Lord.”