WTF Is Conscious Uncoupling?

March 26th, 2014 // 59 Comments
Marriage Is For Swine
Gwyneth Paltrow Chris Martin
GOOP & Chris Martin Separate Read More »

Yesterday, Gywneth Paltrow and Chris Martin shocked absolutely no one by announcing they’re separating. Except separating is a plebeian word beneath one of Madame GOOP’s station, so they’re calling it “conscious uncoupling” and providing reading material from new age therapists so that we, the swine and downtrodden, may better understand the evolutionary nature of their marriage and not define in it such pedestrian terms as “divorce” or “tired of fucking each other.” Via E! News:

Paltrow shared a 2,000-word article by the husband-and-wife doctor and dentist to define the term. The report is split into six sections: Until Death Do Us Part, End of the Honeymoon, Intimacy & Insects, Conscious Uncoupling, Wholeness in Separation and Coming Together.
“Divorce is a traumatic and difficult decision for all parties involved—and there’s arguably no salve besides time to take that pain away,” the spouses say. “However, when the whole concept of marriage and divorce is reexamined, there’s actually something far more powerful—and positive—at play.”
According to Sadeghi and Sami, high divorce rates should be viewed in the context of our “skyrocketing life expectancy.” They argue that social norms are contradictory with people’s true needs, writing, “Our biology and psychology aren’t set up to be with one person for four, five, or six decades.”
“The idea of being married to one person for life is too much pressure for anyone,” they continue.

So, you see, it’s not Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin’s fault that their marriage failed and they found other people’s sex organs more appealing, it’s society’s fault for increasing life expectancy and making marriage way too long of a prison sentence than it was originally designed to be. Which, I can’t believe I’m saying this, actually makes sense. When Jesus invented marriage in his gun shed, most people died in their early 30s. Had anyone known at the time that people would live not only twice that amount, but three times, I’m pretty sure they would’ve changed the rest of your life part to something more reasonable.

“Fifty years, my Lord? With the same woman?”
“I hear you, Simon Peter, it does seem excessive. Mary Magdalene, what sayeth you?”
“Oh, so now you care about my opinion? When you’re with your buddies suddenly it’s, ‘Oh, hey, Mary, how are you? Hey, Mary, what do you think of this?’ Last night, I said I liked a chair you made, and you know what you said? Do you know what this bastard said to me?”
“Please, Mary, now’s not the time…”
“He said. ‘Woman, I do not payeth you to inspect my carpentry. I payeth you to blow me.’ Two-faced sonofabitch.” *storms out*
“… So how about five years? We’ll make this marriage thing five years.”
“Very good, my Lord.”

Photo: Fame/Flynet, Getty, Splash News, WENN


  1. “Conscious uncoupling” occurs in unicellular organisms after they form the Conjugation Bridge. The male transmits his DNA into the female and then grabs his clothes and gets the hell out before the female wakes up.

  2. Juch

    It means they both forgot to bring tasers to their last argument.

  3. Cock Dr

    high divorce rates should be viewed in the context of our “skyrocketing life expectancy.”
    Right. Got it. Talking point is clear. It’s not that song stealer & GOOP R bored & fighting & having sex with other people….they’ve just lived too long!

    • I agree that they’ve both lived too long.

    • Swearin

      Because Gwyneth/GOOP never had articles or words to say about some organic bio-infused magic syrup or method that would maintain a youthful body and appearance and/or increase life expectancy and improve health, amirite?

  4. Oh BABY

    “When Jesus invented marriage in his gun shed … ”

    Except that marriage was referred to many times in the Old Testament, you ignorant liberal douche bag.

  5. Smith

    If you can’t live up to a standard, tear it down!

    Nothing is your fault, ever, its the imposition of rules that you can’t follow because of your dick/vadge, or because they take work / are boring / are expensive / remind you of your parents / in some other way hinder you from satisfying even a tiny urge. Just remember that every impulse you want to satisfy is a human right, thus anyone who disagrees with you is a fascist/racist.

    Now all of you sod off, I’m trying to watch a subbed episode of Bleach while at work.

  6. All I know is that there is no way that Chris Martin was any part of this fuckery that Goopy wrote and released yesterday. I wonder if he called her and bitched at her for putting his name on there of if he was just so fucking happy to be done with her he did not care? I am guessing the latter.

  7. Bane

    That one deserves spelling out.

    What The Fuck?

  8. Mouse

    Can you UNconsciously uncouple?

    Go to bed …wake up divorced in the morning? Like, “honey? You’re moving out? What are these papers? Custody? I have no idea how this happened!”

  9. D-chi

    Okay, except for the part where marriage (Biblically speaking) was a thing back when people used to live to be, idk, 900. And even if you don’t believe the Bible, other people still do, which means people who set up the institution of marriage thought of it as something you were in 4 lyfe, no matter how long you live. Then again, I’m just a pleb, not an enlightened scientist of the mind who can justify your short attention spans. Oh, the mysteries of life….

    • Please tell me “900″ is a typo.

      • Abraham became a dad at 99 and died at 175, and his wife Sarah died at the age of 127 (having kids must’ve taken it out of her, literally).

        Adam died at about 930-give or take a begat
        Methuselah nearly made it to 1000, giving it up at 969
        Even Noah made 950

        Remember kids: fairy tales and math don’t make the best bedfellows.

      • Oh no, don’t get me wrong. I’m Catholic, and I’ve heard all these bible passages, but it boggles my mind that people take them at face value. I was taught that, while the people were probably old, it was highly unlikely that they lived to see several hundred centuries.

      • Not exactly – the numbers you see in Scripture weren’t meant to be taken literally, but symbolically. In other words, they represent numerical values or attributes, and not actual, literal quantities.

      • ultra

        biblical “years” at that time were lunar cycles, or months. divide the crazy ages by 12 and they move back into believability.

      • Also, Biblically speaking, didn’t it used to be okay for people to take multiple wives? Marriage may have been, as you say, “4 lyfe” (groan), but the Wikipedia tells me that Abraham, Moses, and Jacob all took multiple wives. So back then, if you got tired of your wife, you just put her aside for a while and took up with one of your other wives, or maybe even found a new one to marry. (Women couldn’t marry more than one husband, of course, but ha! there are no women’s rights in the Bible, you crazy.)

        And then Jesus had to go and ruin it all by putting his foot down. “Husbands only get one wife. Now look after my guns for me. I’m off to the dinosaur petting zoo.”

      • TomFrank, the Judeans had tribal setup (originally nomadic), namely one husband, multiple wives and concubines, so that any patriarch could theoretically quickly grow his own army of sons and defend his holdings from hostile neighbors. The pagan Romans, who established their civil law of one wife everywhere in the Empire except Judea (Herod kept his wives, remember?), are the actual founders of the one husband-one wife monogamous union that so many Christians claim as their own invention today. So while Christ advocated cleaving to a wife so that two could unite as one, he never specified just how many times you could pull that off – rich men could afford more than one bride-price, it was that simple. Early Nazarene Christian bishops were criticized for having multiple wives in the Book of Timothy, so you can see how early followers treated that admonition.

      • *mumbles something about a funny bone*

      • Aw, c’mon, I got it – I loved the dinosaur petting zoo.

      • Just as long as you’re aware that when I throw the Bible back in someone’s face, it’s not meant to be a competing exegesis. It’s supposed to say, “You’re going to make your point by citing the Bible and its ridiculous 900-year-old characters? Well, here’s something else from your precious little Bible that completely undermines that point, ya moron.”

        I have this custom-made bookshelf at home with built-in slots that hold the holy books—including the Qur’an, Bible, and Tao Te Ching—all at the same level, which is how I like to think about religion. And then I pile The God Delusion, god Is Not Great, and The End of Faith on top of all those books.

      • TomFrank, you are an absolute fuckin’ genius at the lowball underhanded reference, but for those who don’t know you’re referring to Paltrow’s nauseatingly twee bookshelf, let me post this link so everyone will appreciate you as much as I do.
        And damn, but I do miss Christopher Hitchens.

      • D-chi

        Whoa, I did not mean to start a thing? Also the “4 lyfe” was clearly facetious. But I guess people who don’t know how I type normally would not pick up on that. It’s cool, though.

      • Dox

        Bear in mind tis is “biblical years” which is kinda like dog years….

    • D-chi

      I’m just saying, that is what people believe. Not trying to tell anyone what to do with their lives. The point is that her “people were only meant to stay together x amount of years” is a total cop-out for lack of proper commitment.

    • D-chi

      I get this weird feeling that people misunderstood my point.

      • I think they got it, but are trying to figure out whether you really believe people lived to be 900. ;D
        Thing is, before Christianity spread through Europe like a virus, divorce was a common and sensible thing – women could ask for it, and no one thought you had to be bound for life to anyone else. The OT part you’re referring to wasn’t used as any sort of guideline until thousands of years after it was written.

      • D-chi

        Ahh, I see. Sorry if I misspoke!

  10. Your Mom

    I love how they (or Gwyneth) put forward some new age BS that states that “Our biology and psychology aren’t set up to be with one person for four, five, or six decades.” – and then they barely even make it ONE DECADE.

    She thinks we’re morons.

  11. Gwyneth Paltrow Thanks For Sharing Premiere
    Deacon Jones
    Commented on this photo:

    “Hi, Im Gwyneth. I drink my own urine!”

  12. BryceT

    I bet she is a hoot in bed….

  13. JungleRed

    I agree, they’ve both lived far too long.

  14. Frunken

    “skyrocketing life expectancy.”

    The average was dramatically lower because so many babies lacked proper care (like vaccines…) and died. It was completely common for people to live to their 70s.

    • Not until about 1978 for males, it wasn’t – prior to that the average life expectancy for men from the end of WWI onward was between 55-65 years of age. You’re confusing infant mortality rates and population growth with longevity.

  15. Yup

    So, does this bitch even have a clue about how pretentious she is?

  16. Mel Gibson's Shrink

    Well what did you want them to say – that he is tired of the old hag? Saw her on Glee yesterday, what a tired worn out looking thing.

  17. It’s not my fault we’re divorcing, it’s SCIENCE. I’ve actually thought for a long time that they’ve had an open marriage and that neither was particularly monogamous. Getting caught would ruin Goop’s image of perfection and so now she wants out. Finally Tracey Anderson can just move into Goop’s house and live out her fantasy of totally controlling everything for always now.

  18. Sardonic

    Sadly, narcissistic celebrities are infected with an obsession to make even the most normal life events appear to be more important, unique and grandiose. Examples include naming a child (Apple and Moses) and announcing their separation (by calling it conscious uncoupling). Gwyneth does not just take a shit like everyone else on the planet she experiences a cathartic debris release.

    • Brought It

      “Gwyneth does not just take a shit like everyone else on the planet she experiences a cathartic debris release.” I am so stealing this.

  19. jaws1385

    She can’t even announce that her marriage is a failure without being pretentious about it. At what point do we, the unwashed masses, rise as one and slay these people in their slumber?

  20. It is GOOP talk for cheating on Chris Martin.

  21. anonymous

    I just wonder if Iron Man money is greater than Coldplay money because I bet this bullshit they’ve been spouting gets ugly quick and someone is going to pay the other.

  22. Swearin

    Does anyone else find it ironic that her superhero alter ego was named Rescue?

    (Like, from her marriage, in case I was being too obtuse)

  23. Slash

    I had declined all this time to board the Hate Gwyneth train, because I had better shit to do, more repellent people to hate (Trump).

    But now I’m all in. She is indeed a pretentious twat. Martin is well rid of her.

  24. Jiminy Cryptic

    I would like to uncouple both of them from any form of consciousness.

  25. Blythe Danner is such a nice person. What happened?

  26. I don’t care what anyone says, I would fuck the shit out of Gwyneth Paltrow…

    …then I’d give her a Dirty Sanchez.

  27. Ripley's Believe It Or Not

    I want to consciously uncouple her skull from her neck vertebrae. But she’s not worth the jail time.

  28. thecrazybetty


  29. Mama Pinkus

    Intimacy and insects? wtf

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