Chuck Norris’ Thoughts On Syria Brought To You By Scarlett Johansson’s Breasts

September 11th, 2013 // 36 Comments
Gay Boy Scouts?
Chuck Norris
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In the spirit of the day, I provided these cleavagey photos of Scarlett Johansson so you can ignore everything that’s happening here and learn not a goddamn thing from it. Just like 9/11!

Whenever Chuck Norris sits down to a keyboard and meticulously maneuvers whatever faggot alphabet it’s made of – “It starts with a Q? My God, they’ve infected everything…” – you know it’s some serious shit. Not counting all that stuff about the Boy Scouts, he ate a bad can of Dinty Moore. Anyway, Chuck would like us to know that the situation with Syria is a simple matter of chess, and karate has taught him the best way to win at chess is to kick the board and walk the fuck away. Roundhouse 2 to King Face, I believe the move’s called. Via WND, so right off the bat you know this is going to be informative and full of rational thoughts applicable to the outside world:

So what should the U.S. and Obama do instead of bombing Syria in haste?
First, quit unilaterally drawing red lines with any country that poses no imminent threat to the U.S. Quit puffing your chest and proving yourself. Our track record is clear enough.

Yes, our track record is quite clear that we will do exactly that and fuck ourselves both economically and militarily as we get sucked into another ten year quagmire causing mass casualties and further instability. I’m sure that’s exactly what Chuck Norris meant and not, “See how we pwned the shit out of Iraq and Afghanistan? RECOGNIZE, SON.”

Second, before it’s too late, tell the American public that you absolutely won’t go it alone against Syria, if you don’t have the majority of Congress and a strong international coalition behind you.

Right, because what you never want to do is just go into war alone with a bullshit coalition. That is something that Republicans have always been against with absolutely no recent examples coming to mind that would demonstrate these thoughts are from an opposite, parallel universe. America must make clear, level-headed decisions going into war. That’s the Republican motto, 100% of the time, every time.

Third, go out, present evidence and gather as much international and congressional support that you can so that whatever actions are taken against Syria are clearly a collective front.

Unless that information makes your previous decision look like it might be a bad idea which you then inform the American people of. In which case we’ll call you a waffling pussy who has no idea what you’re doing. Haha! Adjusting to new information as it comes in. Silly Obama.

Fourth, if you have the majority support, then together decide on the best course of action – whether that’s a multi-nation attack on various Syrian military and hot spots, or further arming and enabling pro-democracy resistance groups in the country, or utilizing some covert moves against the regime that the world never connects to U.S. or the national community.

I’m going to be perfectly honest. I’m genuinely impressed Chuck Norris just comes right out and says, “Hey, remember that Iran-Contra stuff? Just do that. It’ll be fine.” Most people would think a thought like that and realize it should never be spoken aloud to anyone ever, but then again most people aren’t masters of karate with luscious beards. HADOKEN!

Blah blah blah.

And now my favorite part:

As a six-time world karate champion, I know something about fighting, winning and losing. Sometimes one has to lose a battle to win a war, if only in appearance before certain others. And the truth is, Mr. President, sometimes you win, sometimes you learn. My advice is to learn it now before it’s too late for all of us.
Assad placed Obama (and, hence, America) in checkmate when he launched chemical weapons upon his people. The temptation is to blow up his chess pieces. But the right and wise move is to step away from the table, quit playing his game and form our own.

What you just read is Chuck Norris saying that karate has granted him vast, international knowledge that makes him a master strategist in the theater of war who the President of The United States should immediately listen to by playing chess with bombs or something, close enough. Has Chuck Norris spoken to Steven Seagal recently? Because Steven Seagal thought he had super karate powers, too, and that ended with him dealing guns for Putin. In fact, when’s the last time anyone’s seen Steven Seagal? Hold on, the few years of karate I took as a child is giving me a vision. I see Steven… he’s in a room… something’s front of him… a chessboard! But the pieces say… “Syria?” Oh. My. God.

Photos: Fame/Flynet, Getty, INFdaily, WENN


  1. schmidtler

    Sheesh, I won’t even bother to refute any of the many idiotic ‘points’ you’re trying to make there, I’ll just leave it at “Ha Ha, You’ve fucked with Chuck Fucking Norris and you’re so fucking fucked now it’s fucking hilarious!” I can almost hear the roundhouse kick connecting with your face from here!

    • Thanks Rex Kwon Do

    • Chuck Norris is a 73 year old man. He has to get up to pee four times a night by now. Hang on a sec. Does schmitler know movies aren’t real? Well…..this is for his own good.


    • Chuck Norris the person is the polar opposite of Chuck Norris the Internet legend. In fact, he sued over those memes because like most Republicans he hates joy and wit and the laughter of children.

      Okay, not so much children as minorities, but you get my drift. He sucks.

  2. Goose

    There’s a Kickstarter for WWIII – help Obama start WWIII, he knows Jay-Z!

  3. Hugh Jass

    If Scarlet Johansen wants to bomb Syria, I say let’s bomb Syria.

  4. chuck norris president of texas, mexico.

  5. Cock Dr

    It’s just too bad that Assad won’t accept any of Dick Cheney’s invitations to go out quail hunting together.

    • What's With This Zimmerman Fella

      Especially since Assad is feeling a little “gassy”.

    • why don’t you accept those invitations instead? Better yet, stick to dick sucking and leave the politics to others you racist, narrow minded sack of shit. Take your dick sucking, your warmonger President, who Netanyahu tells me sucks a mean dick as well, and your illegal invasions based on false pretexts designed by Washington and fuck off into hell. I wont bother to explain why this whole charade is in motion because I know dick sucking takes much of your time and your feeble mind would collapse from any information outside of that which is fed to you by the beltway and it’s media bitches.

  6. Chuck knows what those covert ops guys go through. Don’t forget, he was in Delta Force. During that period of his life, there were times that craft services put out smoked ham instead of honey ham even when his contract said honey ham. Just keep that in mind before you think Chuck is some posturing asshole happy to commit soldiers to secret combat missions so that everyone knows how manly he is.

  7. Mike Walker

    Another limp wristed political spiel…zzzzzzzzzzzz.

  8. Haven't Heard A Zimmerman Post Lately

    Fuck Chuck Norris. He should be shot into the sun based on “Walker: Texas Ranger” alone.

  9. Kim

    Ha ha ha … I love watching both conservatives and liberals do a 180 with Syria vs. where they were on Iraq. Where are all our anti-war celebrities spouting off to the media? And we’ve got CHUCK NORRIS telling us to NOT fight? Wow, just wow …

  10. Rob

    Scarlett forgot to wear her Spanx. Her gut always sticks out like she’s severely constipated. Yuck!

  11. Scarlett Johansson Cleavage Tight Miniskirt Don Jon Premiere TIFF
    Commented on this photo:


  12. Cpm

    Whatever you think of Chuck Norris, his opinions make a hell of a lot more sense than yours do.

    • agreed, apparently the blogger cant take the gift that Repubs are giving in that some are resisting O-bombers war. I don’t care why, the point is people wont be mass murdered, AGAIN. But apparently the blogger is incensed that the Repubs can march into war but shake their finger at the Dems doing it. Dammit, if the Repubs can mass murder then our man Obama can too! That is his big point of contention? Pathetic. And don’t worry superficial blogger, O-bomber has mass murdered and maimed so much to date that Bush Jr is blushing like a little school girl. At least George was funny, all we get from this pathetic dirtbag O-bomber is his need to “prove” himself.

  13. patrix

    You should probably have at least a minimum of understanding of history and the political process coupled with learning comprehension if you’re going to keep doing political pieces. You misconstrued his words easily as bad as any FOXnews host. The man is preaching moderation and working within the U.N., that’s what most of the American public want. By you trying to argue it you’re arguing we should just go start another conflict alone, regardless of what our allies or the U.N. says. You dumbass.

    • I’m not advocating for that at all. In fact, if you actually read the post, I’m highlighting the hilarity of Republicans suddenly becoming the voice of caution on war when historically they couldn’t stick their dicks in it fast enough and jump at every opportunity to tell the UN to fuck off. (See: “THEY GON’ TAKE OUR GENNNS!”) Even better, after becoming the concern hawks, they immediately criticize Obama when he slows down his decision for a military strike after feeling out a disarmament deal with Putin.

      I’m not advocating for or against a strike because it’s a constantly changing, damned if you do, damned if you don’t situation. I’m just sitting back and watching the delicious irony which is obvious if you’re capable of, what’s that word you used? Oh, right, COMPREHENSION.

      • I hope patrix has an aloe plant at home because that’s a burn!

      • yeah, absolutely hysterical that somehow there’s people in congress cautioning against arming al qaida so they can take over Syria and immediately move on to mass murdering all the minority groups in that country. You also conveniently or ignorantly leave out the fact that we did not move on Iraq until after congress and the U.N. both gave the green light, based on ample proof Saddam was gassing minority groups in his country to stifle dissent. No doubt there’s some joy by the right wing that Obama has come off as impotent and foolish in his approach here, but that’s always the angle either side takes whenever they can portray the opposition as foolish or ineffective. Now that we’ve all expressed our real thoughts on these important issues, can we move on to just making asinine comments for laughs?

      • If I remember correctly, the “ample proof Saddam was gassing minority groups in his country to stifle dissent” was when he gassed a Kurdish community in 1988. So that’s why we went to war 15 years and three presidents later?

  14. cc

    As far as Syria goes Scarlett Johansson should be naked a lot more often.

  15. Scarlett Johansson Cleavage Tight Miniskirt Don Jon Premiere TIFF
    Commented on this photo:

    “Hey, Scarlet!! All the tabloids say that Blake Lively is PREGNANT!!”

  16. Scarlett Johansson Cleavage Tight Miniskirt Don Jon Premiere TIFF
    Commented on this photo:

    “Totally off the top of my head… Has anyone here ever put a finger up Sean Penn’s pooper?”

  17. malaka

    i’m right there with you fish.
    chuck actually sounds like a thoughtful and rational human being here. and the irony is remarkable.
    one can immediately recognize the stark hypocrisy of the rest of the gop as well as the asinine characteristics of parasitic fox news who will automatically criticize and contradict whatever their political adversaries say and do.
    i fail to see the connection with scarjo’s breasts, but i still appreciate the photos.
    always a pleasure.

  18. Scarlett Johansson Cleavage Tight Miniskirt Don Jon Premiere TIFF
    Commented on this photo:

    oh my …. I need to do that ass

  19. Scarlett Johansson Cleavage Tight Miniskirt Don Jon Premiere TIFF
    Commented on this photo:

    Ridiculous posture, but I like that she’s trying so hard.

  20. I’m a fan of Chuck Norris. That being said Putin is a delusional egomaniac who was the head of the KGB during the Cold War at the Berlin Wall. That means he did some nasty shit. He also has run a bid for the Olympics that has become synonymous with corruption and intimidation. He is close allies with Assad, a man responsible for using chemical weapons to murders hundreds of civilians, not soldiers but civilians, including many children. The two are thugs. One is running a borderline police state that persecutes and imprisons homosexuals, free thinkers and those whom speak out. The other is a dictator who is murdering innocents. They are both bullies and if I’m disappointed that Norris is suggesting that when we’re the bigger kid in the school yard we shouldn’t stick up for the victim because no one tried to take out lunch money.

  21. I guess the truth can now be told:
    Osama Bin Laden was actually taken out by Chuck Norris. For modesty’s sake it was his idea to tell the world that it was that fictitious group calledSeal Team Six.

  22. Scarlett Johansson Cleavage Tight Miniskirt Don Jon Premiere TIFF
    Dave Ireland
    Commented on this photo:

    Ah the old, “Scarlett, I dropped my pen, could you pick it up in your wee low-cut dress?” gambit. Classic.

  23. brick

    NOT Alice Eve.



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