Chuck Norris’ Thoughts On Syria Brought To You By Scarlett Johansson’s Breasts
In the spirit of the day, I provided these cleavagey photos of Scarlett Johansson so you can ignore everything that’s happening here and learn not a goddamn thing from it. Just like 9/11!
Whenever Chuck Norris sits down to a keyboard and meticulously maneuvers whatever faggot alphabet it’s made of – “It starts with a Q? My God, they’ve infected everything…” – you know it’s some serious shit. Not counting all that stuff about the Boy Scouts, he ate a bad can of Dinty Moore. Anyway, Chuck would like us to know that the situation with Syria is a simple matter of chess, and karate has taught him the best way to win at chess is to kick the board and walk the fuck away. Roundhouse 2 to King Face, I believe the move’s called. Via WND, so right off the bat you know this is going to be informative and full of rational thoughts applicable to the outside world:
So what should the U.S. and Obama do instead of bombing Syria in haste?
First, quit unilaterally drawing red lines with any country that poses no imminent threat to the U.S. Quit puffing your chest and proving yourself. Our track record is clear enough.
Yes, our track record is quite clear that we will do exactly that and fuck ourselves both economically and militarily as we get sucked into another ten year quagmire causing mass casualties and further instability. I’m sure that’s exactly what Chuck Norris meant and not, “See how we pwned the shit out of Iraq and Afghanistan? RECOGNIZE, SON.”
Second, before it’s too late, tell the American public that you absolutely won’t go it alone against Syria, if you don’t have the majority of Congress and a strong international coalition behind you.
Right, because what you never want to do is just go into war alone with a bullshit coalition. That is something that Republicans have always been against with absolutely no recent examples coming to mind that would demonstrate these thoughts are from an opposite, parallel universe. America must make clear, level-headed decisions going into war. That’s the Republican motto, 100% of the time, every time.
Third, go out, present evidence and gather as much international and congressional support that you can so that whatever actions are taken against Syria are clearly a collective front.
Unless that information makes your previous decision look like it might be a bad idea which you then inform the American people of. In which case we’ll call you a waffling pussy who has no idea what you’re doing. Haha! Adjusting to new information as it comes in. Silly Obama.
Fourth, if you have the majority support, then together decide on the best course of action – whether that’s a multi-nation attack on various Syrian military and hot spots, or further arming and enabling pro-democracy resistance groups in the country, or utilizing some covert moves against the regime that the world never connects to U.S. or the national community.
I’m going to be perfectly honest. I’m genuinely impressed Chuck Norris just comes right out and says, “Hey, remember that Iran-Contra stuff? Just do that. It’ll be fine.” Most people would think a thought like that and realize it should never be spoken aloud to anyone ever, but then again most people aren’t masters of karate with luscious beards. HADOKEN!
Blah blah blah.
And now my favorite part:
As a six-time world karate champion, I know something about fighting, winning and losing. Sometimes one has to lose a battle to win a war, if only in appearance before certain others. And the truth is, Mr. President, sometimes you win, sometimes you learn. My advice is to learn it now before it’s too late for all of us.
Assad placed Obama (and, hence, America) in checkmate when he launched chemical weapons upon his people. The temptation is to blow up his chess pieces. But the right and wise move is to step away from the table, quit playing his game and form our own.
What you just read is Chuck Norris saying that karate has granted him vast, international knowledge that makes him a master strategist in the theater of war who the President of The United States should immediately listen to by playing chess with bombs or something, close enough. Has Chuck Norris spoken to Steven Seagal recently? Because Steven Seagal thought he had super karate powers, too, and that ended with him dealing guns for Putin. In fact, when’s the last time anyone’s seen Steven Seagal? Hold on, the few years of karate I took as a child is giving me a vision. I see Steven… he’s in a room… something’s front of him… a chessboard! But the pieces say… “Syria?” Oh. My. God.