When Chuck Norris Says ‘Jump,’ Sylvester Stallone Says.. Well, It’s Mostly A Lot of Mumbling

January 19th, 2012 // 33 Comments
Chuck Norris

“You heard me, Stallone. A trailer full of quality thermals AND plaid button-ups… or I walk.

Yesterday, The Huffington Post linked a report where Chuck Norris claimed to have roundhouse kicked The Expendables 2 down to a PG-13 rating because apparently profanity goes against the grain of his beard though I hesitate to say it’s his weakness lest I find my windpipe dutifully punched in:

“In ‘Expendables 2,’ there was a lot of vulgar dialogue in the screenplay,” the “Walker, Texas Ranger” actor told the Polish paper Gazeta (via First Showing). “For this reason, many young people wouldn’t be able to watch this. But I don’t play in movies like this. Due to that I said I won’t be a part of that if the hardcore language is not erased. Producers accepted my conditions and the movie will be rated PG-13.”

Except in a surprise move for someone who endorsed Mike Huckabee, Chuck Norris actually wasn’t talking out his ass and convinced Sylvester Stallone that children should see random action stars get their faces shot in with grenade launchers without having to listen to filthy profanity. *picks up phone* Hello, socialism? SUCK IT! Via AICN:

Harry, the film is fantastic with Van Damme turning in an inspired performance… Our final battle is one for the ages. The PG13 rumor is true, but before your readers pass judgement, trust me when I say this film is LARGE in every way and delivers on every level. This movie touches on many emotions which we want to share with the broadest audience possible, BUT, fear not, this Barbeque of Grand scale Ass Bashing will not leave anyone hungry…Sly

Wait, isn’t “ass” technically profanity? Goddammit, Sly. Now you get to explain to theatergoers why every scene involving Chuck Norris is nothing but a fist hole through the screen. You really hate America, don’t you?

Photo: Getty

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  1. Josh

    They should have just kicked Chuck to the curb. He hasn’t drawn a dime in decades.

  2. dontkillthemessenger

    If I don’t hear the word asshole in a scene in which a guy gets a bomb shoved up his ass, then his asshole sewn shut, it ruins the whole movie for me.

    Fuck you Chuck Norris.

    • firelogic

      It’s not just the swearing that’s taken out for a PG13 movie. So is the violence. Expendables was about over the top violence from the 80s. Without it, it’s just a cheesey made-for-tv-movie with has-beens.

  3. rantatonne

    Only Chuck Norris has the power to end the Chuck Norris being a bad-ass memes, and i think he just did.

  4. Dude

    Chuck Norris controls everything, obviously. BTW, he has been pulling down big coin for many, many years…moron.

  5. rican

    That’s funny – guns, explosions, gratuitous violence, BBQ of ass kicking by tough guys – Chuck is ok with de-sensitizing violence, but draws the line at bad words. Get me Bruce Lee, this mega moron needs to get his face bashed in again.

  6. Deacon Jones

    What a fucking idiot, I dont even want to get started on him.

    Having grown up in the 80s on classics like “Predator”, “Out for Justice”, “Commando”, “Die Hard” (you get the picture)…..WHY THE FUCK would you have a reunion movie and downgrade it to a fucking PG-13 rating?

    Have some fucking balls Stallone, or have they completely retracted into your gunt from all the HGH??

    • rusty shakleford

      ‘WHY THE FUCK would you have a reunion movie and downgrade it to a fucking PG-13 rating?’

      Follow the money. R rated movies don’t make as much.

      • While that tends to be true, I don’t think this movie is going to do as well as the first for several reasons. At the least, I know about a half-dozen people who won’t see the film on principle now, and that’s just in my immediate circle.

      • Deacon Jones

        Exactly.
        Why “buck the trend” after 30 fucking years of eveyone of the stars in these movies blowing people’s heads off. Plus, the first fucking one was rated R. And did good at the box office.

      • Dan

        +1 This is just for the money. You have these parents who grew up watching Chuck Norris and Sly with younger kids and they are more likely to take the whole family if it is PG-13.

        These movies are kinda BS movies where the actors walk through thier roles… and you watch them anyway because it is fun to watch the movie stars from your childhood.

  7. That movie will smell worse than that dead thing on Chuck’s head.

  8. Doctor Joystick

    They could’ve easily solved this problem by turning off his hearing aid.

    • Vince Shlomi

      You wanna know what really obscene? Watching that infomercial with Christie Brinkley spreading her legs on the Chuck Norris Total Gym.

  9. caley

    It’s even funnier if you go back and watch 80s/90s Chuck Norris films. There’s one where he plays an undercover cop where he shoots a guy in cold blood, allows his cohorts to torture rival gangsters, and blows up his former friend while he’s tied to a chair. He also goes to an Iranian restaurant, mocks the food (“You actually eat this shit?”)and calls the Iranian gangsters “camel jockeys”.

    All of this is apparently okay for kids, so long as there’s not too much coarse language and/or nudity.

  10. EricLr

    “Producers accepted my conditions and the movie will be rated PG-13.”

    Translation: The producers wanted a PG-13 rating to get a bigger audience and told me that if I wanted to be in the movie, I had to take the blame for it.

  11. CranAppleSnapple

    “You heard me, Stallone. A trailer full of quality thermals AND plaid button-ups… or I walk.”

    And also those fancy spandex-crotch jeans for the super high kicks! No joke, Norris really wears those. I think he has the patent.

  12. hey you ya you

    Ok: killing stunt people.
    Not ok: fuck.

  13. doctor snuggles

    MUMBLING is sure no hard job for sylvester, folks!!

  14. rican

    *BEEP* “Hairlooming, please hold while we connect you”

  15. “Seven days.”
    “Chuck Norris speaking, I’m sorry?”
    “Sorry, wrong number.”

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