You Promised Me Mila, Nudie Hacker!!

October 12th, 2011 // 43 Comments

Thanks to Scarlett Johansson being all weird about complete strangers ogling private, naked photos illegally downloaded without her consent and published to all 24 corners of the Internet, the FBI arrested Christopher Chaney, a Jacksonsville man who allegedly acted alone in hacking and leaking photos of celebrities. Or so The Illuminati would have us believe… TMZ reports:

The indictment was issued against 35-year-old Christopher Chaney of Jacksonville, Florida. He was arrested this morning by FBI agents, on charges of identity theft, wiretapping and other charges.
According to federal officials, Chaney would use public information to access email accounts of his alleged victims, and then access computers and cell phones under the control of his victims.
… As TMZ first reported, law enforcement sources tell us Chaney allegedly acted alone, and got no money for his alleged misdeeds — rather, he did it for the thrill.
Chaney faces 121 years in federal prison if convicted on all counts.

Whoa, wait. 121 years for showing people something they were eventually going to see – or have seen – in a movie anyway? We are no longer free men, my brothers and sisters. *puts on tricorn hat, readies musket* We convene at Cracker Barrel. If they deny us satisfactory early bird prices, then we shall take our revolution to Big Boy’s and so on down the line. For we are honor-bound to free this man or at least get him to tell us the location of the naked Mila Kunis pics so that I might lust upon them with happenstance. To Lexington!

Photos: Getty

The Superficial is in Clusterf@ck! Mode this week. Normal posting resumes Mon, Oct 17.


  1. theuderic

    isn’t Christopher Chaney the Jane’s Addiction bassist?

  2. Cock Dr

    Allegedly acted alone…..I’m not buying that.
    He had better have some names to sing for the Feds, otherwise he’ll never be able to cut a deal.

  3. TomFrank

    That “121 years” is complete b.s. I’ll be surprised if he gets more than 10.

  4. Mr.Frizzy

    Give me a fucking break! 121 years if convicted on all accounts? Where do they come up with these numbers! He didn’t commit murder for fuck sake. 1 year plus 5 probation. He learns his lesson. Stop wasting tax payer money on this bullshit…

    • Frank Burns

      +1, seems over the top. Guess the telecommunication companies want to smack him down hard for revealing their security has holes. Just look at the contracts they make us sign, and you know they are mean bastards.

      • eatme

        …the government comes down hard on these types because they are the only ones who can actually harm the government. they don’t care about the “victims” so much as they are making it clear “don’t you dare try hacking us”. depending on how good he is he just might end up with a job for the government hacking people for them anyway.

    • gumption

      I agree, it is absurd. Fine the guy and/or give him probation or a year max. Rapists face maybe 5 years and murderers usually get a chance to kill again at some point. Hell, Bush and Obama helped killed millions and havn’t served a day! I guess it is all who you know these days.

  5. Jade

    Our tax dollars hard at work!

    People get hacked every day. But if you’re a star, the FBI will get you justice. If not, who gives a fuck about you.

  6. Deacon Jones

    121 years, that’s just great.

    The (blanks) in Philly are getting out of prison in 7 years for shooting someone, and this fucker spreads the wealth and is looking at life.

  7. Kat Dennings
    rough & the beautiful truth
    Commented on this photo:

    Thx Scar Jo. Thank god someone already hacked the magnificent Kat Dennings already.

  8. Interesting. I’m still fighting with my bank and the feds over identity theft that happened last year, and so far has me on the line for 30 grand, yet a couple celebrities get some low res pics posted and the FBI is on the guy like white on rice. Their excuse to me: these things happen, and we can’t catch em all. Yeah thanks Columbo, maybe if it was Mila’s ass that owed BoA 30 grand on a credit card that was taken out in her name by a stranger, and then used to buy Laptops and giftcards, you’d be a little more motivated.

    I hope this guy has an external drive stashed somewhere, just waiting to be unloaded on the net unless the Feds cut him a deal. A Nuclear Option, if you will.

    • Deacon Jones

      hahaha, that’s a great concept Cash.

      (in dark, smokey room with lone lightbulb)

      “I want a full pardon or Mila’s cameltoe will be headlining tomorrow night’s Nightly News.”

      (puts on cigarette butt)

      • Cock Dr

        The ultimate nuclear option would be hacked images of an Obama daughter. Holy crap what a shitstorm that would be.

    • gumption

      good brainstorming Dr of Cock, but no one wants to see little, fat, killers in training.

    • Venom

      Cash, glad to meet someone else who was fucked over by the Feds worse than I was.
      I sold a piece of jewelry for about $5,000 to a guy in another state a year and a half ago, and I sent it via C.O.D. through UPS, cashier’s check only.
      The guy paid with a fake cashier’s check and UPS took the check, never verified it was real, never fingerprinted the guy or asked for a driver’s license to look at or make a copy of. They don’t even have cameras in the pickup area, but that is another story.

      When I got the check, I knew something was wrong so I went to the FBI who acted like utter morons and actually told me to deposit it and see what happened. I did not of course. I then went to the Secret Service who is actually supposed to handle this. I gave them the phone number of the guy, the messages we sent back and forth and the I.P. addresses and everything they would need. Nothing happened and I kept calling and calling them and finally went down there and confronted them and they told me that nothing would happen. They basically don’t investigate anything under one million dollars and that they were too busy between other crimes and the whack jobs that threaten the President.

      One of my father’s friends is a U.S. Congressman and I talked to him and he talked to UPS and the Secret Service and even he could not get them to get off their butts and do anything. I could sue UPS but it is just not worth it.

      So in a nutshell, if you want to become a successful criminal in this country, just commit fraud like they did to you and to me and keep it under a million dollars and you will be just fine. They won’t even look for you.

      • Oh it’s absolute horse shit, Venom. Apparently the person or persons went dumpster diving, and grabbed one of those pre-approved and filled out credit card applications that banks love to mail out, and was able to get a card with a 35 grand limit in my name, which he went on a damn shopping spree with all over Canada and Washington. Dude even had the balls to get an eye exam and a brand new set of glasses and contacts from some optometrist in Quebec. I don’t speak French, and I’ve never even been to Quebec! According to a signed statement from the doctor and her staff, the guy even had a totally legit looking Washington State drivers license with my info but his face on it, so he wasn’t some amateur. You’d think this, plus the bank records from my legit cards proving I was nowhere near the places the fake card was used, would be enough for BoA and the feds to work with me, but no, fraid not. I’m sure it will all get sorted out in the end, but in the meantime, it’s fucked up my credit, brought stress into my home and my relationship with my girlfriend, and probably caused an ulcer or two that will cost me more money. BoA I can sort of understand, because that’s the sort of institution they are and why I’d never do business with them and why their mailer was in the trash to begin with, but the shrugged shoulders I continue to get from the federal agencies that are supposed to exist for this very reason has absolutely floored me. This isn’t a smashed mailbox, it’s 30 grand in cross-state/international wire fraud and identity theft!

        Anyway, I’m sorry about your situation, and can absolutely say with confidence that I feel your pain.

  9. Christina Aguilera
    willie dixon
    Commented on this photo:

    Publishing nude picts of this is more appropriate to his sentence. Otherwise, he would have been let off with a high-five.

  10. Venom

    And now we know what really happened to Photo Boy:)

  11. Kat Dennings
    Sensei John Kreese
    Commented on this photo:

    “If this man should fall, who will lift the flag and carry on?”

  12. Sensei John Kreese

    “If this man should fall, who will lift the flag and carry on?”

  13. adolf hitler

    this is an outrage. this man should be rewarded with medals and cupcakes, not thrown into a jail cell like some common criminal. he is the robbin hood of our time.

  14. Snack pack

    “lust upon them with happenstance.” LOL. You should stay in fustercluck-mode, Fish. It’s working.

  15. Kat Dennings
    Commented on this photo:

    for god’s sake, man, give us a pendrive with all of the pictures before going to jail! do it for the rest of us!!

  16. Dan

    I wonder how he got caught. You shouldn’t ever be capable of being caught if you do this kind of crime right.

    • Tinklepants Astronaut

      Because every agent in the FBI got on this case in hopes of seizing the guy’s stash and seeing pictures of a naked, sweaty Mila being brought to orgasm by the tongue of Natalie Portman in a Black Swan inspired lesbian revenge fuck. Hell, I’d join the FBI myself if I thought I had a chance to see that . .

  17. rough & the beautiful truth

    121 years mean his records will be erased, while he help the Feds crack similar cases. Don’t despair buddy, hang in there!!!

  18. Kat Dennings
    Commented on this photo:

    she looks pretty here in thor she looked hideous :o

  19. Kat Dennings
    Commented on this photo:

    moar Kat plz

  20. forrest gump

    celebrities use these sick methods to be in the news…………

  21. kellyduval

    LOVE Mila so much! She’s gorgeous and looks stunning in the dress! However, 121 years in jail seems harsh to me. Where do they come up with these numbers!?

    Follow me!

  22. MLVC

    I would feed her a steady diet of Taco Bell and then let her release the results into my awaiting mouth…more than once.

  23. Arzach

    Free Christopher!
    (so we can have pics of Mila naked)

  24. Falcon

    Great looking visit my blog

  25. Kat Dennings
    Commented on this photo:

    KAT DENNINGS IS ONE OF THEM???? Please free this man and allow him to continue his work!! I LOVE THIS WOMAN!!!

  26. OccupyWallstreet

    What the fuck? 121 years? Justice System is fucking stupid just for even saying 121 year for some dinky shit.

  27. amanda

    Child molestation: 1-3 years, if that. Scarlett Johansson’s tits: LIFE

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