Christina Aguilera’s marriage: Seriously, how?

February 15th, 2008 // 92 Comments

Christina Aguilera and her husband Jordan Bratman, King of the Mole People, had a romantic Valentine’s dinner last night at Giorgio Baldi. I’m still baffled these two reproduced. But I think I’ve got this one figured out. Originally, I believed Jordan Bratman shot $100 bills out of his penis. It was probably the most scientific explanation I could come up with. After seeing this photo, I discovered a shocking revelation. That’s not Christina Aguilera. That’s a blow-up doll, my friends. The open red lipstick mouth. Total lack of expression. Inexplicable physical contact with Jordan Bratman. My God, the answer was staring us right in the face. Clever ruse, Bratman, but you’ve been exposed. Forage all the cheese and apple cores you need then retreat back below the Earth’s surface from whence you came.

Photos: Flynet

  1. Tinfoil Raccoon

    Wow @26

    o_0 !

    Sounds kind of personal……

  2. Ript1&0

    Here’s a theory, as to their happiness, an explanation maybe. A guess.

    Maybe they are actually in love. Maybe they actually enjoy each others’ company. I think they are the sweetest couple, really. She is one high maintenance bitch and you can tell he understands that and worships her. He’s proud to let her be the star. He supports her in the background.

    What exactly the fuck is the problem here???

  3. D. Richards (Denise.)

    #32! I said that: I said they’re a couple of ‘progressives’.

    Goddamn Euro-trash.. Kidding — you’re alright, kid. Wink.

  4. I'm Yer Daddy

    It is personal. I personally find this girl fucking revolting. Since my lady looks like a taller brunette Isla Fisher meets Catherine Zeta Jones this woman is as appealing as sticking my penis in a vat of acid. She’s as fugly as Paris Hlton meets Tori Spelling and that’s saying something.

    No intelligent, elegant woman looks like this she’s such fucking trash, no one wants to take this home unless they live in a trailer and if someone rich looks like this they are certainly of the nouveau rich variety and the trailer park ain’t far behind them. She’s fucking hideous, she looks like a goddamn tranny?welfare recipient and it just depresses me that people don’t know what beauty is. Good fucking god what how can anyone not see the hideousness that is this painted plastic whore.

  5. laes

    I actually thnk this is pretty simple. All he needs to do is unceasingly tell her how beautiful she is, hose her down with fake tanner and touch her roots up every six and a half hours.

  6. ipanema_is_schuyler

    #53: damn, Denise, you’re right. sorry. see, I just confused your writing skills with the Fish’s. feel honored! (or not)

    i know, we euro-trash kids can be a lot of fun. *winkey* Ript1&0: not so much. i’m totally disappointed in her by now. seems like she watched too much jennifer-aniston-movies or crap of that sort.

  7. panty cheese

    #52. Please…
    That is the obvious answer but, that aint no fucking superficial answer. We don’t give a shit about love and happiness here we have that in our own lives personally but, we come here to trash the celebrity douchetards and watch Brit the festering zit implode. Happiness and love in Hollywood are like pack of twinkies anywhere near Rosie O’Donell, they don’t stand a fuckin’ chance.

  8. D. Richards

    #56. Let’s hook-up. I’m not afraid to use my mouth (get it).

  9. caljenna66

    I love how everyone thinks just because a guy is unattractive that he won’t cheat. Please.

  10. Ript1&0

    Don’t tell me how it is here. I hang out here everyday. And I’ll say whatever the fuck I want. I’m not interested in your approval.

    You have love and happiness in real life and want to come on here and talk shit about this couple? Congratulations. You’re an asshole. I don’t have love man. So when I see someone who actually does, I tend to support it. End of story.

  11. ipanema_is_schuyler

    #58: not afraid to use your mouth, huh? neither am I. you seem more and more like a fun guy to hang out with .. !

  12. panty cheese

    #60. Look love is all around you you’ll find your love. Although i don’t think #59 and #61 are looking for love but it’s still a good sign-ish.

    People don’t really mean what they say here, this is their verbal punching bag and celebrities are greedy overpaid attention whores so people trash them, Is that right? Not really. It most certainly is not right that some idiot celebrity makes $40 million a year for making a movie or a cd when a fire fighter who saved 10 lives and put theirs at risk day in and day out never expecting a room full of applause, a golden statue, staff to wipe their ass, constant attention and recognition and a giant cheque makes only $40,000 a year. The world is a mess and these celebrities live the most unreasonable, self centered, materialistic, lives imaginable and they waste the most incredilbe potentital to make a difference and really give back (throwing a little money at charities is not giving back, choosing to live in a normal sized house and turning your ridiculous giant mansion into a shelter for abused women or a home for children with cancer that would be giving back). Kids go to school without a lunch and die of poverty ever second in this world yet Miley Cyrus some Disney manufactured child product is a multi millionaire? WHAT THE FUCK? So there are reasons people trash celebrities and don’t share in their happiness but, it doesn’t mean they are evil or heartless they are just venting their frustrations and enjoying a little black humour.

    So on a totally non-superficial note you seem very nice and in the end that will come back to you and you’ll get all the happiness you deserve. So peace and sorry if I offended you.

  13. moderator

    how could “panty cheese” possibly offend anybody here? it’s the one thing female commenters produce, in addition of course to the least-funny comments.

  14. ipanema_is_schuyler

    #62: you seem a nice person and stuff, but I strongly object to your first statement , the one about #58 (#59) and #61: why shouldn’t there be love in the air when two people mutually agree about their verbal awesomeness and oral skills?

    ript1&0: you’re a cool chick. heads up and forget about stupid v-days; love will strike when you expect it least!

  15. ipanema_is_schuyler

    should be: (NOT #59). duh.

  16. caljenna66

    I was wondering why I got dragged into that (I was #59), but since I am in fact not looking for love I wasn’t about to argue with panty cheese.

  17. Woody Allen is a good handsome guy

    Remember how he was married to the beautiful Mia Farrow? Ha ha ha and then he molested his own children. And then he fucking married her teengage adopted daughter. Remember how all his movies involved an obsession with sex? Why would anyone care about an ugly little fucker and his sex drive? He should not have had sex he is sooo ugly.
    Same thing here.

  18. panty cheese

    #64. Well at first I was just going to write love and then I thought well if that’s not what they are looking for then I may have killed the mood or whatever. Anyway I appologize. Let there be love, all you need is love, and all that jazz.
    In fact you and D. Richards seem perfect for each other (in a good way).

    Nothing says soulmates like agreeing that this whore is fugly. My other half and I agree that Christina is a hideous bowlegged skank and we’ve been together a long time. Good luck to ya.

  19. mamadough

    i fucking love “revenge of the mole people”….fish, im on to your wily movie references

  20. whatever

    Jebus, when did this become a fucking episode of The View? Let’s keep our love lives to ourselves, please. This site is for celebrity bashing and lude commenting, not for commiserating over other commenters’ personal lives. And just for the record, #63, not all women want to kiss everyone’s ass. I obviously just offended all the over-estrogenated (yeah, I just made up a word, shut the fuck up) women on this site. As for the funny factor, I guess if women can’t make a comment about dick-spitting all over someone (your mom, etc.)you don’t think it’s funny. Oh well.

  21. ipanema_is_schuyler

    #68: seems like you got a valid point.

    hey, and good luck with your sweetheart!

  22. md

    ########## 27 SO TRUE!!!!!!!!!!

  23. kitty_kat

    As mean as it sounds, I actually agree with #26. Christina Aguilera DOES have squinty eyes, a big nose, weird legs, etc. And the makeup! Oh goodness, the makeup! She doesn’t go anywhere without 10lbs of the stuff on her face.

    But I guess when you’re blonde-haired with blue eyes and have breast implants people automatically think you’re hot even when you look and dress like a 50 cent prostitute.

  24. adkre

    she is cute. I just found her profile on the celebrities and wealthy club “”. she posted the same photo there. did you see it?

  25. Ript1&0

    Thank you for apologizing. I really AM a nice person in real life. Although, I am not currently looking for love. Believe me…. I have enough problems.

    (Oh yeah, and plus I’m ginger and apparently that makes me lowest on the rung of hotness.) Heehee

  26. FRT

    Jordan must be hung like a race horse to have little Chrisy hanging on his arm…I mean I’ve seen monkey’s at the zoo that are better looking then what ever that is…I don’t even think a mother could love that mug!!!

    Hey Jordan show us the trick where you fly away with your big fucking jumbo ears again…the kids just love that one…!!!

  27. Katey

    #62 .. oh my god.. your so right!!!

  28. I think it is easy to understand. They love, respect and care for each other.

    I wish them well. What is the benefit in spending time dogging a relationship that works.

  29. Anal Fistula

    #48, you’re a myopic moron. please cite those “scientific studies” you are so ambiguously speaking of. they don’t exist. those “high school platitudes for ugly kids” have about as much factual foundation as the muppet show.

    ugly people are not, necessarily, more interesting or possessors of better personalities. i’m sure that’s just what mommy told you when you were 14 and began to look in the mirror for the first time. why is it always insipid idiots defending ugly people?

  30. Pilatunes

    I was reading this and my cat jumped on my keyboard and started batting at the monitor. When I took another look at Bratman, I understood.

  31. weez

    Jordan Bratman……….his dad is a famous rabbi, right?

  32. jeky

    Oh, so nice discussion, and so reasonable comments Everyone should check out my upcoming show with my fabulous friends!. Check out my website! for interracial love and relationship.

  33. logic

    #79. How could you possibly take that seriously? It was a satirical comment mocking the superficial idiocy of society and how we label everything in this world.

    Lighten up.

  34. kikasschik

    Deaconjones, you shallow stupid asshole. I bet you’re a real looker now too, aren’t ya?

  35. kikasschik

    Deaconjones, you shallow stupid asshole. I bet you’re a real looker now too, aren’t ya?

  36. Margo

    This is what’s wrong with society today—-we judge people on their looks and that’s so shallow ! Christina must have seen beyond that and found a loving man with substance –how refreshing! Christina has a great deal of self-confidence and obviously doesn’t care what people think. She must love this man deeply. Yeah, and how about Julia Roberts and Lyle Lovett????

  37. It’s called Love!

  38. cookie



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  40. Blondamnation

    #39-who’s the hottie in that last scenario? Britney or ‘K-Fed”??? Shouldn’t you compare 2 people who aren’t hillbilly mutants from skid-bubba-row?

    Wow #62-you’re so right, I totally agree. The reason we don’t feel bad trashing celebs is exactly what you said/ they make millions of dollars to get doted on and ass-kissed, given everything free, and treated like royalty by everyone.
    People who sweat their asses off all day fixing the highway or putting out fires, etc, make less than a celebrity’s phone bill. And that’s just not fucking right!..I think it’s so true-not that I am not a fan of certain celebs but it’s funny when people get all riled up, defending them like it matters at all.

    #27, 54, whenever I see a guy who posts about his girl that she ‘looks like Catherine Zeta meets Angelina, JLo meets Madonna meets
    Marilyn meets..blah blah .etc” I always think one thing: she’s probably cheating on you then.

  41. shibuya_jones

    joo bwoy has big ding dong or beeg bag of joo gold.cuz he one buh uglee mo fo to be tappin sum nyce poonanny like dat.

  42. Pete

    They’re both friggin ugly!! That poor baby!! Anyone who says Christina Aguilera is hotter than Britney Spears must be gay!! At least Britney still has her hot looks and she doesn’t gop on tons of makeup!!

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