Christina Aguilera’s marriage: Seriously, how?

February 15th, 2008 // 92 Comments

Christina Aguilera and her husband Jordan Bratman, King of the Mole People, had a romantic Valentine’s dinner last night at Giorgio Baldi. I’m still baffled these two reproduced. But I think I’ve got this one figured out. Originally, I believed Jordan Bratman shot $100 bills out of his penis. It was probably the most scientific explanation I could come up with. After seeing this photo, I discovered a shocking revelation. That’s not Christina Aguilera. That’s a blow-up doll, my friends. The open red lipstick mouth. Total lack of expression. Inexplicable physical contact with Jordan Bratman. My God, the answer was staring us right in the face. Clever ruse, Bratman, but you’ve been exposed. Forage all the cheese and apple cores you need then retreat back below the Earth’s surface from whence you came.

Photos: Flynet
superficial

  1. Sophie

    Yeah an Ooompa Loompa blow up doll!

  2. deaconjones

    FIRST!!! Now where is that blow up doll. I need a hug.

  3. Jordan

    I’d still do her.

  4. Jen

    I think he’s just a good guy. Ladies like that in a husband.

  5. Liz

    “Forage all the cheese and apple cores you need then retreat back below the Earth’s surface from whence you came.”

    LMAO – classic

  6. pointandlaugh

    I’m with you superfish…….I am completely stumped as to how an UGLY schlub loser like that guy landed Christina.

  7. JJ

    Maybe he’s got a big brat- get it?!!

  8. D. Richards (Grip.)

    This is a simple question:

    Both of these lovers are transexuals; but here’s the catch — they’re both straight!

    Bratman is a woman, stocked full of all kinds of ungodly hormones (look at the jew beard), and Aguilera, well, she’s a charlatan disguised as an ugly, paint-faced woman with horribly bowed legs. End of story. You go, you couple of progressives, you.

  9. deaconjones

    I wish she would slide her penis in my mouth.

  10. digdug

    MOBY

    says it all.

  11. snarf

    She must have insecurities to date such an ugly guy for worry that a good looking one would cheat on her.

  12. deaconjones

    @2 and 9

    Give it a break “Iwish”. Just cause I ralphed on my keyboard after I saw that photo you sent me doesnt mean you have to hold a grudge.

  13. LL

    Christina can be pretty, but that makeup she seems to prefer makes her unattractive. Maybe she’s trying to make the contrast between her and her not really attractive husband not so obvious.

    Eh, men don’t have to be as conventionally attractive to interest women as women do for men. But he is kinda shrimpy. Maybe he’s really funny or has a really big schlong or something like that. Pros and cons, people. Looks fade, the other shit is important for the long run.

  14. Auntie Kryst

    What did they have for dinner? I bet they had a salad first, no..soup du jour, it looks a little cold. Was the service good, and the silverware clean?…

  15. deaconjonesisamoron

    @12 ralphed? you are one gay son of a bitch.

  16. Carson

    jewish guys make the best husbands-she figured that out

  17. go figure

    #11

    maybe she’s just not as shallow are you are.

  18. iwish

    Im sorry, I just need attention more than ever now since I’ve been housebound with shingles this past month and I used up all the batteries in my house

  19. HATER!!!…hahaha…yeah, I ask myself everyday. and then I go home to my ridiculously hot ass wife, open a few colt 45s, with my dookie rope chains and say, “welcome to the good life.”

    in the words of the ying yang twins, “HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

  20. miley's gash

    christina picked the best man to be her husband:

    1) clearly on looks alone, he could never hope to snag such a beauty as her so you know he’ll be faithful til the end

    2) he’s rich

    3) he’s not threatened by her success

    4) he’s a jew so you know that no matter what, they’ll never be in the poor house. i mean really, have you ever known a poor jew?

  21. deaconjones

    Shut up troll!! I can’t take this anymore. You wouldn’t want to be me if you knew me. My penis is unusually pink. Akwardly pink. And small.

  22. jessica is ghetto

    #11

    she’s totally smart for marrying someone who’s not going to cheat on her. anyone who does anything less is a moron.

  23. Jordan's Mother

    Feh, she’s a Shikseh!

  24. Oprah's Gorilla Butthole

    where the hell did the post about “paris Hilton’s week kind of blows” go?

  25. deaconjones

    Richport. My dad says he’s sore.

  26. I'm Yer Daddy

    Who cares about the fugly man, he’s boring. WWhat perplexes me is how the fuck you turds consider this slut attractive. She wears a permanent layer of whore paint at all times. She’s an implanted, bowlegged, dirty, saggy assed, big nosed, squinty eyed, weird boddied rat faced piece of filth with horrible skin. I thought she would have at least gotten one attribute but, she has NONE of them she wasn’t even blessed with being tall (which some consider a good thing) she won NOTHING on the genetic lottery. If you took her home in the morning your wake up next to Gollum and by the sink you’d find a wig, fake eyeleashes, fake nails, and 15 rolls of toilet pare covered in a mulch of of melted makeup.

    I mean look at her this woman she is like the anti christ of the hot, toned, natural blonde?brunette/redhead, who looks incredible without an ounce of makeup. To cheap trashy guys whose mothers were and are total whores this painted heap of silicone who screams “everything in my house is covered in leopard print” may be attractive but to the guys who like their woman to look um… lets say classy and clean this bitch is a fucking nightmare. Put an Adriana Lima, Rachel Mcadams, Isla fischer type next to this chick and you’ll see what I mean. She’s a walking caricature and until some Britney style bald eagle pics come out I REFUSE to believe that this thing is a woman.

  27. XtinaFan

    The paparazzi need to leave these two alone…it’s no wonder they always look so pissed in the candid shots..! They have done nothing to warrant media attention, always keeping their personal lives as private as possible…I think it’s wrong that they are hounded like the media whores who actually need the attention to make up for a lack of talent.

  28. lipper

    He has a big DING DONG! Hello??!

    No other explanation and as someone pointed out, ugly men won’t cheat. She KNOWS he won’t find anything better. Not that she’s a great prize, but still!

  29. nipolian

    #27 – I think it would be best if you kept your personal life as private as possible.

  30. I'm Yer Daddy

    Pardon my spelling their combined super fugliness gives me the shakes and inhibits my typing.

  31. MallMonkey

    He won the Ringo Starr Look Alike contest and she was first prize.

  32. ipanema_is_schuyler

    yes, she is horribly bowlegged. her thumbs are deformed somehow, too, she can bend them like hell. her singing is uncontrolled screeching and yelling.

    and why in hell would i chose an ugly guy over an decent AND at least somewhat handsome guy. and if he cheated, well, i’d cheat back. no probs there. as long as we love us, ha. gotta be the progressive kind of couple (like Fish said).

  33. ipanema_is_schuyler

    puh-leaze. what’s this constant BS about uglies don’t cheat? never watched springer or maury ..?? DUH. and this guy has money, so, why shouldn’t he cheat????

  34. awesome111person

    look at the noses on these two….

    I saw the baby pics in People, this child is gonna have a monstrous jew-beak. You can already tell.

  35. lipper

    Those are MUTANTS and uneducated hillbillies on those shows. I’m talking about real people, lol.

  36. judge mental

    #32

    you are about as smart as a candy corn. i bet you have the local health department on speed dial. you’re just mad because she’s happy and your crotch itches.

  37. awesome111person

    I think he must just be really, really, really kind to her.

    Didn’t Christina’s dad beat the hell out of mom while lil Chrissy watched? She’s probably terrified of the more manly/suave type of man so she goes for the nice, meek uglies. And they have to be small enough that she could beat them up if necessary.

  38. A Greys Anatomy star is mising a MAJOR part of her anatomy can you guess what it is?

    http://www.people.com/people/gallery/0,,20178254_6,00.html

  39. lila

    I agree with #4, just because a guy isn’t hotter than hell, doesn’t mean he isn’t a bad guy, maybe this guy is nice to her and takes care of her and the baby, not monetary wise maybe, but what a dad/husband should do; loves her and the baby, makes sure they have eaten, are warm, have a good homelife and shows Christina affection…

    You see what happens to people who pick the hotties; Dennis Rodman picking carmen Electra-Divorce, Tommy Lee picking Pamela Anderson-Divorce, not to mention watching her tramp around Hollywood, Jennifer Aniston picking Brad Pitt-Broken up, Britney and K-Fed-do I need to go into that???
    MY POINT?? LOOKS AREN’T EVERYTHING!

  40. ipanema_is_schuyler

    #36: fuckin prude USA.

  41. Darwin

    He found her physically attractive, she found his wallet physically attractive. Things are as they ever were.

  42. whatever

    @38 – Good god. WHERE DID IT GO?

  43. whatever

    Also, to all the people who are all “ohh, looks aren’t everything, blah blah” you’re right. A big cock goes a loooooooooong way.

  44. my comment

    He’s probably the only normal guy in LA. And she’s hot.

  45. obviously

    I think it’s related to him thanking his parents for his “large willy” at the reception dinner or whatever it was.

  46. deaconjones

    @39 Fuck you lila. You are a moron

  47. Cory

    It could be that his name is Bratman, which is almost like Batman…shit, I’D marry marry Batman…

  48. logic

    It’s actually true that ugly people have better marriages many studies have been done and it’s well proven. See fuglies have to spend more time cultivating personalities, skills and interests to attract ass. Uglies have lots to talk about and they have intrests like ugly people sports (golf) and uggly people hobbies (stamp collecting) and they are knowledgeble about ugly people things like history and geography and they didn’t get everything handed to them because no one likes giving things to ugly people so they had to work hard and earn things like inner beauty and character, you know ugly people qualities. Anyfuck of course there are ulgy people who have no qualities, or skils, or brains like Dr. Phil and Oprah but, they are not important. What’s important is my main point; ugly people have more succesful marriages than hot people, so these two will surely have THE most successful marriage EVER.

    Yay Uglies! People like you because you make them feel purdy.

  49. logic

    My spelling sucks but, like daddy these fukcking dogs make me sick sos that I can’t concentrate on my spelling.

  50. Truth

    He’s rich, and she’s a prostitute with a ring on her finger. Lots of wives are like that.

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