Christina Aguilera’s husband is a flaw in the Matrix

March 27th, 2008 // 60 Comments

Christina Aguilera and her husband Jordan Bratman spent a quiet evening together shopping at Babies R Us last night. Judging by their outfits, they headed home for a night of some kinky role-playing. Christina is, obviously, a 1930′s paperboy who took too much estrogen. While Jordan is, I’m guessing, Frank Zappa’s mutant love child – who he fathered with a three-toed sloth named Cocoa. Married people are weird.

Photos: Flynet
superficial

  1. meaghan

    he’s cute.

  2. musicgod

    did i get the first post?:)

  3. Racer X

    She’s bow-legged.

  4. fygu

    She looks fat and her face is ugly

  5. veggi

    Obviously she ate the red pill again. Well, most of it anyway..

  6. Clay Aiken

    I wonder what he looks like without the scruf? Bet he looks like a puffer fish. And sucks soldier wang like one, too. My hero.

  7. deacon jones

    Like, OMG! FIRST!! I’m soooo excited!!

  8. meaghan

    I fight to just get out of bed. As long as I am busy doing something I love such as teaching a bible study, I get up and moving but otherwise I run everything from my bed. I am looking for a support group were we can pray for one another and maybe together we can get out of our beds and start moving and the weight will start to leave.

  9. alright!

    Bah. She looks good for having just spit out a kid.

    I don’t think Bratman gives a crap what we think of him. I think that’s kind of the point of why he goes out in public looking like he does.

  10. Ang

    That’s a fat chick hat.

  11. Edhuna

    FIRST, ohh wait 8th? DAMN YOU KEANU YOU CUT MY HARDLINE

  12. Angela

    I don’t know if Bratman doesn’t care, or realizes it doesn’t matter. A well groomed anus will still look like an anus.

  13. alright!

    Meaghan,

    You’re Binky’s inbred mom, aren’t you? Admit it.

    It was an inside job…inside your trailer.

  14. I finally figured out who he looks like. Remember Tony Shalhoub’s character in ‘Men in Black’? You know, the alien who runs the pawn shop? That’s who Mr. Aguilera looks like.

  15. veggi

    #9- I completely agree.

    #8- What The Fuck??

    #7- really? you said OMG? wow. just wow..

  16. Auntie Kryst

    130s paperboy, good one Fish!

    “Extra extra read all about it! Hey Joe, whaddya know? A nickel getsya all the news that fit to be print. Around da world, Krautland is getting it’s act together. That Adolf sound real jake to me. The Bronx Bahmers won again. Also I gotta story about that someone let a chinless himey marry some loose bandita.”

  17. Why do you all leave me like that?? No one bothers to say, “Psst…FRIST!!! There’s a new post. We are heading over there” And there I am, left behind, saying something oh SO profound, but no one is left to read it. (by the way, I revealed who the REAL troll is on the last post, too bad you guys will never read it)..

  18. Ted

    I do him, I means Xtina is hot and all, but I wonder how hairly his ass is, and when it comes to tossing the salad, I loves me some hair back there. Even a “crouton” or two clinging on to let me know I’m doing something naughty.

  19. Auntie Kryst

    Whoops, I mean 1930s. A.D. for that matter while I’m correcting myself.

  20. scotch

    her eyes are like pig eyes, she forgot to put on her tranny eyes.
    9- what does that mean? shes not obese? so what.

    and she is bow legged

    he always looks tortured

  21. scotch

    her eyes are like pig eyes, she forgot to put on her tranny eyes.
    9- what does that mean? shes not obese? so what.

    and she is bow legged

    he always looks tortured

  22. janex

    What’s up with the Zappa slam?

  23. holby

    @ 20. meaghan’s wedding album

    jesus. McDonalds on a wedding day. bet shes proud of that.

  24. rosa parx

    i love the shade of her lipstick; Cherry

    Last nite I left the chocolate bunny ear too near the basebord heater and guess what happened?! It looks like a cat had diharreha there. Not my cat. I have a dog. A weenie dog with good smell. he likes my fish, it seems. But my BF is okay with that – says a dog cant ever be true competition for his weenie! Ha ha ha ha!

  25. alright!

    It looks like Meaghan either got sick of being ripped and left, or she’s just taking a break for her mid afternoon Big Mac attack.

    I wish I could say the same for the pimply teeanger @ 25.

  26. mike

    Hey Rosa, tell your BF I have some competition for his weenie. I will make you see stars. I will come over and show you how it is done right and not whine about it when we are finished.

  27. “meaghan” is not meaghan. meaghan is a troll and will be somebody else next.

    if he/she is reading this, i have a request – please make the next one be a domestic abuser trying to change but failing miserably and having (hilarious) rage outbursts. thanks in advance.

  28. fergernauster

    She might be a little pudgy still, but didn’t she just give birth to twins? I’m no expert, but I wouldn’t expect her to be anorexic… quite yet.

    Her hubby looks like a weevil.

  29. meaghan

    I have had times this year when I’ve found it hard to leave the house – I am a real homebody, and I think it is my coping mechanism. But I find when I do it, I do feel a lot better about myself.
    I did wonder for a while if I had depression, but I think it was more to do with a lot of changes I was coping with this year. I have had a small setback, but I am still working on it, which is pretty hard with two very little kids and a lot of rain…. sooo were looking into buying a treadmill somehow… but with almost no excercise i have lost 14 pounds! only like 50 more to go…lol

    has anyone ever tried one of those treadmills? like for a hamster i think but much bigger. im not sure…lol

  30. rosa parx

    Walking home from babysitting last Tuesday a car of holliguns ripped by me and one yelled “spread em bitch!” I told my friends (not my mother) and they said to report the car only I did not catch the licenc plate becuz i was so shocked.. but if I ever see it again (i remember it well) then I will make short work of it and it’s fucking occupantz. So help me god……

  31. veggi

    New Post FRIST!!!!

  32. BunnyButt

    21/22, I wouldn’t say tortured; rather, he looks ready to burst into tears at any given moment.

  33. He must have a 14″ cock. No other explanation makes sense.

  34. holby

    #30 & #31 are the same troll.

  35. Fucking thank you Veg..

  36. Mike

    I’d boink that bow-legged pig anytime.

  37. Randal

    Christina has always been a top notch singer and person in my books and she has certainly cleaned up her act from those earlier years, which I’ll glare at the marketing team for trying to make her… unsavory.

    Now she holds herself with class and respect and it clearly shows. Congratulations with the new additions to the family.

  38. well

    37 are you white trash? or a wigger, or a shell of a jewish man?

  39. Anonymous Intern from Cedars Sinai

    Randal, or anyone making any positive comments other than she can yell through her nose loudly….

    YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT YOU ARE TALKING ABOUT…

    SHE IS CRAZY!

    … and she looks like a goblin who has full blown AIDS when she isn’t wearing any makeup.

  40. Randal

    What does makeup have to do with it?

    Putting makeup on doesn’t make her have a wonderful singing voice.
    Putting makeup on doesn’t suddenly make her classy.
    Putting makeup on doesn’t suddenly make her respectful.

    Makeup or not, she’s still a great singer, she still will hold herself with class and will always show respect.

    What it is, is what comes from within.

    She is beautiful … in every single way. Words can’t bring her down… oh no!

  41. Christina, Jr.

    I’d lick his sweaty unwashed hairy taint, too, if it meant getting access to his millions.

  42. spindoc

    Oh Please, give me a break, she looks so relaxed, you KNOW what the answer is. He is great between the sheets.

  43. alright!

    Randal,

    You are tepid 70 year-old man spooge.

  44. Randal

    Well, I am wise beyond my years, so thank-you for the compliment.

  45. alright!

    I didn’t say you are a 70 year old man. I said you are the goopy sperm like trickles out of his withered, wrinkled cock.

  46. alright!

    replace “like” with “that”

  47. Randal

    And sperm can create life, which would mean so can I by your statement, which would make me a … God.

    That’s one of the nicest compliments anyone has given me on this site, so thank-you once again. You have yourself a good evening my good cyber chap and I hope we meet again in another celebrity report.

    Ta-ta!

  48. bootlips

    He must be a rich jew. Why would a woman marry his ugly ass?

  49. kevin

    Jordan looks as if he has freaked out !!!! like a frightened cat !
    isn’t he supposed be used to the whole paparazzi photographing by now?????????????????

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