Christina Aguilera desperately needs maternity clothes

November 28th, 2007 // 145 Comments
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Christina Aguilera graces the cover of the latest issue of Marie Claire magazine in nothing but a leather jacket. Awesome, right? I mean, if you ignore the growing child in her Photoshopped belly. Christina talked to the magazine about her magical journey carrying Sasquatch’s child:

On trying to conceive with Jordan Bratman:
“We were planning on starting to try after the [Nov. 2006-May 2007 Back to Basics] tour. And so, I had gone off the Pill to prepare my body, because I didn’t know how much time it would take. You’ve heard it takes some time – except with Power Egg and Super Sperm here.”

On secretly wearing a heart monitor during her concerts:
“I didn’t want to make the audience uncomfortable, like, ‘Pregnant lady onstage! Is she going to be okay?’ But I had to announce it to my band and my dancers, because I wanted to make sure they had my back.”

On Paris Hilton letting the cat out of the bag:
“Because I hadn’t said anything, people thought I was trying to keep it this big, bad secret, and that’s not the case at all. I just wasn’t commenting. I’m not being like, ‘Hey, everybody, I’m pregnant!’ I’m not that girl.”

For all you female readers, I hope you’re empowered by this tale of pregnant stuff and clandestine heart monitors. In the meantime, I can’t stop thinking about Christina Aguilera referring to Jordan Bratman as “Super Sperm.” If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to remedy this situation by stepping outside and putting my face in front of a moving vehicle. Hopefully, the driver isn’t stricken by my natural beauty and doesn’t swerve into a building taking his/her own life instead. I swear it happens every goddamn time I leave the house.

Photos: Marie Claire
superficial

  1. big

    Nice belly

  2. haha

    first!

  3. LazeeBug

    FIRST!

  4. most pregnant women are hot, she, however isn’t.

    yuck!

  5. my happy pants

    me like…..

  6. bigger

    Very hot chic

  7. veggi

    That’s photoshopped. It’s Christina’s head on Britney’s body..

  8. joejoe

    Gee, never saw THIS coming…Thanks, Christina, but Demi already wrecked it for me! …Wonder what she got paid for THAT cover. Any ideas?

  9. LazeeBug

    Darn it! I need to move faster next time — then again, why bother.

  10. SUPER SPERM. AAHAHHAHAHA. all i can imagine are little sperms with that guys face on them.

  11. crotch rot

    EWWWW! Who knew trannies could get pregnant? She looks RIDICULOUS. They must’ve run out of orange makeup trying to make her whole body match that drag-queen face.

  12. Cate

    Why is she so fat?

  13. Laudanum

    Fuck me sideways with a shovel! Why in the hell does the second picture look so goddamn weird?!

  14. where’s the stretch marks??? its good to have photoshop!

  15. veggi

    @13- no shit!! she’s like a flying giant pixie..no…she’s like a… GAWD! I don’t know!! It scares me though..

  16. teddy

    gonna be one ugly little jew baby.

  17. Donkey Ass

    Gross…

  18. Riotboy

    LAST!

    /she looks good prego.
    //fo reals

  19. survey sez

    i love how she doesn’t want to brag about being pregnant then she gets naked with her bay bump for a mag seen in grocery stores, newsstands, and libraries all over the world, no, she’s not an attention whore.

  20. chucky

    EEEEYYYYEEEEEWWWWWW! imagine screwing jordan ratface!!! yeeeeeeuuuch! i can’t think of anything that would turn me off more!

  21. Malffy Hernandes

    Ugghhh

  22. DeLight

    #14 – Idiot. You don’t get stretch marks until after you’re deflated. Jeez!!

  23. Shallow Val

    She’s still ugly as fuck since the last post. Fake-assed overbearing, showboating ugly preggeo asswipe chownmask who can’t stay away from the bleach bottle no matter how pregnant she is.

    And don’t remind be that she is a natural blonde, because she’s not THAT blonde, OKAY!

  24. p911gt10c

    it’s not as bad as I thought it’d be.

    Oh, #2, and 3, you’re both losers.

  25. LayDeeBug

    3 – Yo, ankle biter, you are such a hack.

  26. pissy skank

    Just threw up everything from an entire week.

    @23- – Not only the bleach bottle, the Fug Fake also wears blue color contacts.

  27. veggi

    Shallow Val! You need a drink, don’t ya!!! Here, since FRIST is slacking, I made “painkillers” for everyone!!!!!..

  28. yukadoozer

    Aww. They really tried here. She’s no Demi. (or Bruce).
    Can’t decide which is more putrid-her self-crowning Mrs. UberFertile or those swollen pregnant feet stuffed into spikes.

  29. RENEE...

    Thats disgusting. She looks hideous. This seriously grossed me out. How completly classless. I’m so sick of these pregnant celebs that decide now is the right time to pose nude. She thinks she’s all sexy; she just looks gross. And her bleached out beyond belief yellow, green tinged hair just tops it off. Like when a girl with completly damaged and bleached out hair goes into a pool with chlorine… Just lovely. Not only that, but you know the pics were photoshopped beyond belief to make her figure look better. I’m so freakin sick of photoshop; lets see the real deal people. And “power egg & super sperm”, huh? Yich, gross me out some more. Thinking of her & her hubby going at it makes me want to heave. Oh, and as she said, “I’m not that girl” I don’t go around announcing I’m pregnant. No, I’m the other girl…the one who goes and poses naked in a magazine when I’m preggers instead. What a tool. …Okay, where’s all my rage coming from? I don’t know why, but this really pissed me off. Okay, much better now, thank you.

  30. Brit

    I think Christina looks gorgeous here..in the fully naked pic she looks so happ!1 thats what pregnant women are supposed to look like..thats what makes them beautiful..
    i think its become the thing for mags to get pregnant women to get naked.. they must think it looks great or sells well..and i think that the people who have done it have looked nice. even britney looked good in her shoot.
    i dont think demi or britney looked as happy in their shoots as Xtina does here..so good for her!
    people keep saying “oh she wouldnt talk about it and now she’ll show it off” ..well maybe now that the attention is there she’s realized she may as well embrace it and show it off and just be happy and discuss it..i bet you people will ask her barely anything else about her life right now.
    thats my rant..i think she looks amazing.

  31. cockdoodler

    That is the ugliest shade of fucking fake blonde I’ve ever seen. Looks like a lemon meringe pie (to all the dummies “meringe” is pronounced MER-RANG)

    She is such a bleccch!

  32. leatherdaddy

    i dont remember this momma to be every wearing more then two pieces of clothing on a magazine cover. not that i want that anyways. theres nothing natural about her. im over the porn look that hollywood/media/music industry/& so on keeps throwing at us.

  33. Shallow Val

    your rite veggi. Either I’m ovulating or I’m pissed because I need to get laid. I don’t know but here’s my cup, fill it up.

    (swallows a painkiller with an apple martini)

  34. Laudanum

    Errr, no #30. Most pregnant women actually resemble the rest of the human race. Christina looks way out there

  35. Shallow Val

    29 – I like your style. Meet me behind the bleachers and I’ll share my painkillers with you. (rattles cup)

  36. veggi

    Wait!
    For!
    MEEEEEEEEE!!!!
    (I can’t run ya’ll! The ice keeps falling out of the cup!)..

  37. Hypocrits?

    Funny how they obviously put her on there to show the “Beautiful Pregnant Woman” but then photoshop the shit out of the picture so it doesn’t look ugly…go America!!

  38. Texas Tranny

    ShallowVal,
    I think I can help you :-o

  39. gotmilk?

    22 – no, you are misinformed. but i love how you’re so confident that you think you are 100% correct, when in fact, you are a heaping pile of stupid and wrong.

  40. aa

    bitches today are so unoriginal. demi did this better than any of these tired copy cats.

  41. Nefarious Crotch Kicker

    #26 No Kidding. Hey Fish, Who’s going to clean up all this vomit? If ever there was a time to put your black bars and NSFW warnings, this was it. I don’t no whats more disgusting, the projectile vomit coating the entire room, or these pictures of Christina Aguilera.

  42. Dutch

    Can anyone verify she is pregnant, cause Ben and Jerry’s is all out of;
    whiny bitchy Ice Cream.

  43. Yeah, I said it!

    Ugly people think this hag is cute.

  44. Shallow Val

    TT – if I was in Texas I would be ALL OVER IT!!!!! And you KNOW this!!!!!!

  45. Shallow Val

    39 – Bwahahahahah! OMG, (wipes away tear) NICE comback!!!!!

  46. steve

    is there anything this has-been won’t do for publicity?

    Skanky, vapid whore.

  47. Shallow Val,
    Send a message to my myspace page.

  48. sportsdvl

    #42 hahahaha

  49. ya she should go back to brunette again

  50. can any on here SPELL?

    It’s meringue actually, your pronunciation is correct but your spelling was off.

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