Christina Aguilera graces the cover of the latest issue of Marie Claire magazine in nothing but a leather jacket. Awesome, right? I mean, if you ignore the growing child in her Photoshopped belly. Christina talked to the magazine about her magical journey carrying Sasquatch’s child:
On trying to conceive with Jordan Bratman:
“We were planning on starting to try after the [Nov. 2006-May 2007 Back to Basics] tour. And so, I had gone off the Pill to prepare my body, because I didn’t know how much time it would take. You’ve heard it takes some time – except with Power Egg and Super Sperm here.”
On secretly wearing a heart monitor during her concerts:
“I didn’t want to make the audience uncomfortable, like, ‘Pregnant lady onstage! Is she going to be okay?’ But I had to announce it to my band and my dancers, because I wanted to make sure they had my back.”
On Paris Hilton letting the cat out of the bag:
“Because I hadn’t said anything, people thought I was trying to keep it this big, bad secret, and that’s not the case at all. I just wasn’t commenting. I’m not being like, ‘Hey, everybody, I’m pregnant!’ I’m not that girl.”
For all you female readers, I hope you’re empowered by this tale of pregnant stuff and clandestine heart monitors. In the meantime, I can’t stop thinking about Christina Aguilera referring to Jordan Bratman as “Super Sperm.” If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to remedy this situation by stepping outside and putting my face in front of a moving vehicle. Hopefully, the driver isn’t stricken by my natural beauty and doesn’t swerve into a building taking his/her own life instead. I swear it happens every goddamn time I leave the house.