Christina Aguilera is Pregnant

Here’s Christina Aguilera at the American Music Awards Sunday night, and there’s no way you can tell me that headline isn’t responsible journalism. Christ, not even Britney Spears let herself go this much and she stores fried chicken in her pillows for the winter. Which is why I’m starting to think somebody tagged along for a doctor’s visit one day, noticed what he thought was his unborn child missing the rudimentary burrowing appendages and immediately filed for divorce. How he hasn’t sought revenge by collapsing Hollywood into a sinkhole yet is beyond me. I just assumed the Mole Clan of Tunnel 7 were a proud and noble tribe, but I guess they’ll let a woman walk over them without putting up a fight. Pfft. You’ll never enslave the surface with that attitude. I’ll tell you that right there.

Photos: Getty, WireImage