Christina Aguilera’s Last Album Is From The Future So That’s Why No One Bought It

October 23rd, 2012 // 28 Comments
Xtina Goes Commando
Christina Aguilera
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“Ohmygod, I haven’t eaten all day. Just one bite…”
“What did you say, mama?”
“Nothing!”

Seen here taking her moleman/human hybrid son Max to the Pumpkin Patch because he always burrows out the best ones, Christina Aguilera‘s last album Bionic barely sold 300,000 copies, and as she gets ready to release Lotus next month, she’s coming up with all kinds of excuses about how only people that really understand music got Bionic and they also had to be from the future. Via Gawker which has a bunch more bullshit quotes worth checking out:

[Bionic] had a lot of amazing sounds and a futuristic twist to it. But if you weren’t a music person, it was just going to go over your head. A lot of the collaborations were with people that were either very underground or weren’t necessarily from the pop world. I really think it was far ahead of its time and it’ll be fully appreciated in the years to come.

A likely excuse, except how does Christina Aguilera explain that I’m so advanced I only listen to humpback whale chants from space (Into it totally before it became mainstream, so don’t even try.) yet I had absolutely zero interest in her album? And how does she also explain that in reality I mostly just listen to shit like the Dethklok song below and/or Ladytron simply because their name is Ladytron? (I’ve got stuff to do, so if she guesses, “Because you’re a lonely, dorky little Internet man?” give her a cookie and send her on her way.)

WARNING: If you’re at work, near small children or surrounded by people with a shred of decency now would be good time not to watch this unless you want them to suspect you of every murder that happens in your town. On that note, I laughed way harder than I probably should have once the Blowjob Pharoah went on his rampage, so I’ll just head on down to the police station and wait for someone to pick me out of a lineup.

(h/t Chez Pazienza for the Dethklok vid.)

Photos: Fame/Flynet, INFdaily, Pacific Coast News, Splash News

superficial

  1. Christina Aguillera Dyed Pink Hair Mr Bones Pumpkin Patch
    patch
    Commented on this photo:

    I hate to be harsh about a kid (here it comes) he kind of looks like Wembley on Fraggle Rock

  2. Inner Retard

    Nothing like calling your audience stupid to jack up those sales.

  3. Christina Aguillera Dyed Pink Hair Mr Bones Pumpkin Patch
    Commented on this photo:

    In the future, we’re all mouth-breathers.

  4. Jeckaled

    Testicular Propane FTW! Wooo!

  5. Is this the same future where Carl’s Jr. runs the worlds economy and you can get a hand job at the Starbucks?

  6. Thanks for the warning since I am at work and technically shouldn’t be cruising the internet.

  7. stratacat

    Dethklok AND Ladytron?

    Fish, I…. I think i’m in love with you.

  8. FUCKBEAST

    Super Saiyan Fat

  9. sheila

    “A lot of the collaborations were with people that were either very underground or weren’t necessarily from the pop world.”

    and, yet, that album was nothing but another avarage pop album of the 2010′s. nothing creative, unique or interesting about it.

  10. EricLr

    Reminds me of every smug hipster douchebag I’ve ever known: “You’ve probably never heard of the music/movies/food/etc. *I* like, and if I were to tell you about them that would probably just go over *your* head….”

  11. Christina Aguillera Dyed Pink Hair Mr Bones Pumpkin Patch
    Bionic_Crouton
    Commented on this photo:

    “Now hurry up and get your pumpkin! Momma is just gonna watch and eat a few sticks of butter!”

  12. Nobody bought her music because she’s a has been. Her songs/voice all sounds exactly the same. If she’s not selling shit, I don’t know how the music industry is going to make room for all these reality chumps on the singing shows. I’ve read in Rolling Stone magazine that only 13 new acts a year + those already making music is all that can be supported by the populace.

  13. Schmidtler

    So if that album is from the future, if we kill her now, it won’t ever be released, right? Maybe somebody should go back to 2005 and slap the big mac out of her hands, to save us from ever having been exposed to giant fatass Xtina?

  14. Sandoucheky

    Bionic was just lame, but that You Lost Me song was pretty fucking great

  15. thegame

    I think Ladytron actually produced one or two songs on Bionic… Ironically enough

  16. Snack pack

    Love Dethklok!!

  17. Christina Aguillera Dyed Pink Hair Mr Bones Pumpkin Patch
    Joe Blow
    Commented on this photo:

    “I’ve eaten children bigger than you.”

  18. jc

    …despite everything else, she does have a great voice, but her music has always been for crap with only a few decent songs in her whole career…..she either has terrible tastes or is getting god-awful advice from somewhere when she puts out this music…people with lesser voices are having much better success right now….reconsider your choices Xtina!..

  19. Christina Aguillera Dyed Pink Hair Mr Bones Pumpkin Patch
    Happy_Evil_Dude
    Commented on this photo:

    I would still wreck that. But it would probably wreck my penis. Tough call.

  20. Christina Aguillera Dyed Pink Hair Mr Bones Pumpkin Patch
    ghost
    Commented on this photo:

    she was on the verge of storming out after seeing the “No snapping off dicks” sign

  21. godfather1

    She would be mad fun in the sack. Then I would shove a double whopper in her ass and watch her chase her tail. Like a dog.

  22. I can go to any Wal-Mart in any city and see this.

  23. Anonymous

    Oh I get it. She must have been singing some futuristic version of the National Anthem with she fucked that up too.

  24. van

    Not cool making fun of a kid. Seriously, at least let him grow up before you start mocking him.

  25. Christina Aguillera Dyed Pink Hair Mr Bones Pumpkin Patch
    anonym
    Commented on this photo:

    oh, this kid is going to turn out alright……….

  26. Jessie

    As if I could love The Superficial any more…. then you add Dethklok and fire semen. Ahhhh… my day was just made.

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