Chris Brown apologizes in statement

One week after allegedly assaulting Rihanna during an argument, Chris Brown has finally issued a statement apologizing for his actions – by downplaying them:

“Words cannot begin to express how sorry and saddened I am over what transpired. I am seeking the counseling of my pastor, my mother and other loved ones and I am committed, with God’s help, to emerging a better person. Much of what has been speculated or reported on blogs and/or reported in the media is wrong. While I would like to be able to talk about this more, until the legal issues are resolved, this is all I can say except that I have not written any messages or made any posts to Facebook, on blogs or any place else. Those posts or writing under my name are frauds.”

Okay, phew, he said God and his mom are helping him. Because had he just said a licensed therapist with a background in domestic abuse, I’d have to question the sincerity of his statement. But now, I’m pretty much convinced to have a daughter and let her date Chris Brown tonight. Who wants in?

Photo: Getty