Chris Martin Quit Being A Vegetarian

July 3rd, 2014 // 20 Comments
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Gwyneth Paltrow
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“Hey, how you doin’? I can eat burgers now. *returns to call* So, anyway, she’s all ‘Who put the bloody doilies next to the bloody quinoa sifter?’ And I’m like, ‘Bitch, fuck your doilies! I want chicken nuggets.’ — Okay, that didn’t happen. But I thought it.”

Much like America celebrates its independence from Britain, so now shall Chris Martin celebrate his independence from eating macrobiotic polenta in a bowl of pretentious stew. Via Us Weekly:

Asked by host Steve Wright if he’s still a vegetarian, Martin replied, “Well, not really,” prompting Wright to say, “What do you mean ‘not really’?”
“Well, I eat meat,” the British singer answered, laughing. “I was vegetarian for quite a long time and then for various reasons I changed. My daughter’s vegetarian since she was born, so I keep getting tempted to go back. I don’t eat very much meat.”
Pressed for more, Martin explained, “I felt like you should only eat something that you’d be able to kill…You know, could you kill a fish? I wouldn’t like it, but I probably could, so I’ll eat the fish. But a giraffe…”

As for what his new, killable diet consists of, Chris Martin has created several tasty dishes using only Gwyneth Paltrow and badly wounded kittens. He hopes to expand to a squirrel that fell off the roof the other day.



  1. JC

    Seems like a giraffe would be fairly easy to kill. Just run up underneath it, stab stab stab until its guts start falling out, and wait for it to topple over. It’s not like you’d have to look it in the eye while you were doing it.

  2. “My daughter’s vegetarian since she was born.” That poor fucking kid.

    • Both Chris and Gwyneth can go disappear. That being said, why the unprovoked vegetarian hate? Shouldn’t you meat eaters just be happy that vegetarians aren’t gonna even attempt to steal your food? Grow up and do some research, vegetarians live longer and are healthier in general. Plus meat smells disgusting raw or cooked.

      • If you haven’t had a good steak, or even a good burger, you haven’t lived.

      • In N’ Out grilled cheese with everything works fine for me.

      • Good God Gerard Butch It Up

        For starters, there is no hard scientific data that supports the hypothesis that vegetarians live longer than carnivores. It is all statistical, and therefore subject to error. Also, depending on the motivations of the person(s) conducting the statistical research, can render the results suspect.

        Also, the reason you think meat smells horrible is because it isn’t part of your diet. It is also psychological, based on your desire to legitimize your stance on meat eaters.

        Kids are fussy about what they eat. Some will only eat certain foods, like hot dogs without the bun. Just because his daughter didn’t want to eat meat did not make her a born vegetarian. It’s just something she didn’t want to eat at the time. If her loony parents would have left her alone and let her go through her stage without the positive reinforcement of her veggie diet, she would probably be chomping down on a burger right now. Hipster douche rich parents can have such a shitty effect on a kid.

        Ps. Chris obviously never heard of something called “weapons”. Because, if he did, he would realize you could kill an elephant if you had one.

      • werner

        a good reason to go vegetarian; if people stopped eating meat, global warming would cease to be a problem.. All those cows spew out a lot of methane; methane is roughly 30 times more potent as a heat trapping gas than carbon dioxide. Also, there is no reason we need to get our protein from meat anymore( other than taste). And vegetarians do live longer…

      • Good God Gerard Butch It Up

        You are only pointing out one source of meat protein. Many health conscious omnivores no longer eat red meat. My protein sources are turkey, chicken, and fish, which I think are part of most of modern day diets. Also, please just don’t state that vegetarians live longer with no hard scientific data to back it up. PETA research does not count. I know that PETA is against animal research. They would much rather give the dogs lethal injections and throw them into dumpsters. Screw finding out what diet is best through actual research.

      • I’m not a fan of PETA, i’m not a fan of scare tactics in general and imo a large part of PETA is just that. My larger point was stating that the majorly accepted public mocking of vegetarians in general and the lack of knowledge about them is frustrating and annoying. Myself being specifically an ovo-lacto vegetarian, I consider myself to be pretty middle of the road and am equally annoyed by strict vegans looking down on anyone with different views as I am by strict meat eaters who insist on telling me I will die any time I say no thank you to eating meat.

        I don’t care what you eat, I would never tell you what to eat. But the constant mocking of vegetarians who largely don’t tell others what to eat is unwarranted and ridiculous. You specifically mention “hipster douche rich parents” which makes me think you’re referring only to Hollywood/Silverlake stereotypes. Just because that’s all that you’ve encountered doesn’t mean that’s all that’s out there.

      • Cher X

        My Grandma lived to be 97. A lot of the Syrian recipes she made used red meat. She was able to live alone and tend to her garden until her death (where she passed quietly in her sleep).

        Your point is moot.

  3. DrJ Fever

    Is breast milk vegetarian? Or is only if it is from GOOP boobs?

  4. Beer for thought

    I love how he makes it sound like it might be difficult to kill a fish. This dude has obviously never heard of fishing or the concept of hunting to sustain oneself. He could PROBABLY kill a fish? what a dumb ass. Gwen must have really done a number on this poor guy.

  5. Swearin

    You should’ve titled this post “Chris Martin Wants To Hunt Ex(?)-Wife For Food.” While factually dubious, you would get SO MANY page views. Throw in a kicker about grilling her for an Independence Day BBQ and you could just build a fort of money to live in until Labor Day.

  6. He’s been eating bush meat for years.

  7. The day his kids discover meat, it’s all over.

  8. “Can you please send over two corned beef sandwiches, both on rye, with a nice dill pickle on the side. OH! And two orders of coleslaw. And on one of those sandwiches, hold the corned beef.”

  9. Gwyneth Paltrow Bikini C Tattoo Pubic Bone
    Commented on this photo:

    She is painfully skinny and pasty but her belly sticks out. Her body has the clear signs of long-term malnourishment. And I’m supposed to be taking lifestyle advice from this person?

  10. Kevin Crosby

    Gleeglocker, as told by Brad Couch.

    Kevin Crosby
    Plano, Texas

  11. Gwyneth Paltrow Bikini C Tattoo Pubic Bone
    Commented on this photo:


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