Chris Martin Cheated On Gwyneth Paltrow With A Lowly Commoner

While Gwyneth Paltrow had the quiet poise and sophistication to conduct her affairs with captains of industry, Chris Martin has reportedly debased himself by sleeping with a common peasant. Page Six reports:

NBC staff have been buzzing about an affair Martin had after appearing as the musical guest on “Saturday Night Live“ in 2011 with Coldplay. Martin also made an appearance on “Weekend Update” with Fred Armisen and Kristin Wiig as Garth & Kat.
One source tells us the girl in question was an assistant on the show, while another NBC source explained, “He had an affair with a woman who was backstage and was part of an entourage. Everyone was talking about it because he was openly flirting with her at one of the show after-parties.”

An assistant? Ewwww. I bet she has scurvy. Which probably explains why Gwyneth Paltrow’s rep threw Chris Martin right under the mass transit contraption where he belongs:

While a rep for Martin didn’t get back to us, he has strongly denied other rumored affairs. Paltrow’s spokesman said, “I don’t rep Chris so I cannot address those accusations.”

What happened to all the conscious uncoupling and two souls on a spiritual journey talk? I thought this was a transcendental union free of petty quibbles and non-macrobiotic flim-flam? The two of are you comporting yourselves like downright penny grocers. Filthy, filthy penny grocers on Uncouth Lane. I shan’t have it!

Photos: Splash News