Chris Evans And Jenny Slate Broke Up, That’s Sort Of News

“Do you know me?”
“You used to put newspapers in your shoes…”
“Haha! Yeah!”
“And your mom had sex with me so I wouldn’t kick your ass when you were scrawny.”
“Aww…”

The first and last time we posted about Jenny Slate was nine months ago when she ran right from divorcing her husband to getting plowed by Captain America. So naturally we afforded that Earth-shattering story with the comprehensive coverage it deserved i.e. we completely fucking ignored them until today when they broke up. That sound you just heard was Anthony Mackie dusting off his strip club sweatpants. Anyway, the break up was supposedly amicable and because of busy schedules, which is always the horseshit reason given for a celeb split, so I’m really scrambling here to try to make this post seem like it’s not a blatant SEO grab. Nope, I’m not going to lie to you guys, there is nothing interesting about this actual story. So let’s see if I can just cover the usual bases enough here for me to leave. Lead photo that has almost nothing to do with the headline that I just chose so I could write the caption? Check. Random inclusion of Elizabeth Olsen braless photos, because she’s vaguely relevant to one of the people mentioned above? Check. Jokes with comic book movie references, so Fish is passed out with a boner. Check. Yep, I’m good here.

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Photo: AKM-GSI, Getty