Chris Brown Didn’t Shove A Woman To The Ground At A Nightclub. Yet.

June 25th, 2013 // 21 Comments
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Yesterday, TMZ reported that a woman was accusing Chris Brown of shoving her to the ground at a nightclub, causing her to tear ligaments in her knees. A story that immediately gained a shitload of traction because it involved Chris Brown assaulting a woman, so it probably had to be true. Except it wasn’t because the chick was a drunken, obsessed fan who everybody saw fall off a table after spending the whole night trying to jump on stage with Chris. Hollyscoop reports:

“The girl spent all night trying to get on stage with Chris but security kept her away. Then she spent all night trying to get near the VIP area,” the source tells us.
Chris was escorted to his car at the end of the night by security who reported no incidents with Chris whatsoever. Then, after security had his eye on Chris the whole night and walked him out to his car, is when the drama with the falling fan unfolded.
“Three witnesses sitting at a table in the VIP area saw this girl trip and fall on a table, hitting her back on a chair. Chris had already left the building,” the club source recalls.
“[Security] came back upstairs and the girl was sitting on some stairs saying she couldn’t believe Chris pushed her down the stairs and that she broke her hip. [Security] said Chris was nowhere near those stairs at any point. She then threw her shoe at security and started picking things off the ground and throwing them.”

Since then, the club owner has told TMZ the allegations are false, and the police were involved, but only to arrest the girl for all the craziness above until security let her go home with her friends instead. And as much as I hate to clear Chris Brown’s name, he’s smart enough not to assault women in front of witnesses anymore. He does it safely and quietly in the comfort of his home then has sex with a cadre of homosexual dolphins in exchange for carting the body out to sea. I’ve said it a thousand times.

Photo: Getty, Splash News

superficial

  1. Jesus Christ, I thought Simon Phoenix was a fictional character. This explains a lot.

  2. Rasputin's Evil Twin

    All that ink, all those needle pricks, and this bitch doesn’t have Hep C, blood poisoning or tetanus? It’s a shame.

    Feel free to launch all the “Chris Brown” and “pricks” jokes you can think of, folks. It’s time for a drink to either start the day or end last night.

  3. All dolphins are gay.

  4. Well, it IS only Tuesday.

  5. Deacon Jones

    Everybode gettin’ crunk in da club,
    everybode gettin’ crunk in da club

  6. Ripley's Believe It Or Not

    How much did Chris have to fork out to get all the security, club staff and witnesses to change their stories? That poor, beaten bitch never stood a chance.

  7. “Picking things off the ground and throwing them” … what kind of club was this, that the floor was awash in throwable detritus?

  8. Having heard both sides of the story, the court finds Chris Brown guilty of RAPE and…oh let’s say securities fraud.

    Because fuck him, that’s why.

  9. D-chi

    A girl crazy enough to still love Christ Brown is crazy enough to make up this story.

  10. torn knee ligament < fractured orbit

  11. Mike Tython's Butt

    Chris is a baws. He cheated on the girl he almost put in a hospital like 10 times before she left him again. Every interview he’s been in the since “the incident” he seems angry that people are still talking about it and doesn’t even seem sorry.

  12. Dr. Jones

    So that’s what happened to Wentworth Miller…

  13. You fail to see the significance of this story, Fish. This isn’t about a girl injuring herself in front of Chris Brown and blaming him. That’s what Chris Brown wants you to think. That’s what he wants us all to think. The fact is, Chris Brown now has the ability to assault women simply with the power of his mind. Ladies, I suggest you start wearing foil helmets, else you be injured by the Neural Bitch Smack.

  14. Caroline

    God but he’s ugly.

  15. Sterling Weatherford IV

    one of his tattoos appears to depict Chris “cornholing” Justin Bieber . While I am not surprised at the behaviour, it seems odd tht you would have a tattoo of your nightly behaviour on your arm

  16. Banastre Tarleton

    Starting to look like a white – haired chimp, although Justin Bieber is the true “White Chimp”

  17. spirit fingers

    Kudos to Chris Brown on his shopping skills. I’ve also been looking for a halter top leather jacket for years and he’s managed to find one.

  18. pasgal

    Brown looks like a cross between an STD and a wet fart.

  19. Rihanna Nipples See Through Dress Chris BrownGrammys
    Colin
    Commented on this photo:

    Are we sure this isn’t just a new excuse? “I’m not beating Rihanna, I’m just seizing. On top of her. With my fists.”

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