Chris Brown’s Instagram Is Really Gonna Help That Restraining Order

“Are you there, God? It’s me, the guy who’s been persecuted just like your son.”
“new phone who dis”

Just yesterday we found out that violent, unrepentant shit-bag, Chris Brown, acted out his psycho stalker fantasy on Karrueche Tran by terrorizing the fuck out of her because she won’t be with him anymore. There was enough evidence for a restraining order, so we should be seeing a calm, rational response to this, followed by a plea to his fans for forgiveness any minute now, right? Nope. We’re going to get a stream of responses on Instagram that range from “I don’t know what they talkin’ bout” to goddamn Jason because Chris Brown’s going to kill somebody. It’s his destiny. So here are some of the clues we’ll eventually be hearing about on a Serial podcast when they go back and try to figure out why for the love of Christ nobody stopped his psychotic ass.

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Please don’t watch that. I’ll cut right to the highlights. “They hatin’.” and “I didn’t fight Soulja Boy because it’s immature.” Yep, the guy who had a temper tantrum and threw a chair through a window at a talk show when they asked him questions they told him they were going to ask he actually said that.

@madsteez #KONFUZED ! Why do this???? Because we motherfuckin can!

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Again, please for the love of God, don’t watch that one either. Just know that it features a song with the lyrics “knock your bitch down, pick her up, knock her back down, pull her tracks up (?), yes I slap girl” Subtle, no?

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And finally, head stabbing and basketball over what looks like a Valentine’s Day card? This the exact kind of shit they find in a school shooter’s bedroom during the investigation and the parents are always like, “He was always so quiet. He just liked to be in there by himself for hours.”

By the way, in the event Chris Brown inevitably deletes all this shit when his lawyer calls in the middle of having a massive stroke, here’s all the evidence we should’ve needed for this asshole to have been banished forever.

Rihanna Bloody Face

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Photo: Instagram, TMZ