Chris Brown’s In Rehab

October 30th, 2013 // 35 Comments
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One of the easiest ways for a celebrity to duck going to jail is to preemptively check into rehab and enjoy a 30 day vacation of spa treatments and Playstation. A hardship that Chris Brown has chosen to endure rather than throw himself at the mercy of a racist district attorney and her slight taps of the wrist. E! News reports:

“Chris Brown has elected to enter a rehab facility,” a rep for the singer said in a statement to E! News Tuesday. “His goal is to gain focus and insight into his past and recent behavior, enabling him to continue the pursuit of his life and his career from a healthier vantage point.”

Then again, this could have nothing to with Chris Brown violating his probation and everything to do with finding out that even Mike Tyson‘s worried about him. Which is a joke, of course, because finding out Mike Tyson thinks they’re a lot alike is probably the greatest thing Chris Brown will ever hear in his life. “We did both beat women named Robin,” he’ll tell his new friends in rehab.

Photos: Splash News


  1. JC

    “His goal is to gain focus and insight into his past and recent behavior…”

    Unless the insight therapy involves some kind of Clockwork Orange-style shit where he gets strapped to a chair with his eyes propped open, drugged, and then is forced to look at crime scene photos of Rhianna’s beating while he has to listen to his own music, I don’t think this will work.

  2. Convex

    His goal is to avoid the “racist” prosecutors. Dude makes me sick. The only thing that can fix this jerk is euthanasia, and I’ll chip in for the chemicals to make it happen.

  3. Chris Brown Courthouse Washington D.C.
    Commented on this photo:

    I didn’t know Kotex ran a rehab facility.

  4. Cock Dr

    He’s doing his best to die prematurely….let’s all cheer him on.

  5. cc

    There’s ‘asshole’ rehab now? First I’ve heard of it. They’ll be busy.

  6. schmidtler

    They can rehab ‘retarded’?

  7. So now he goes to rehab for anger issues. Apparently it was not necessary when he beat a woman half to death, but now when it is looking like he might actually end up in prison, now he needs rehab. I really hope they find a judge that is not a corrupt pussy and he finally gets thrown in prison where he belongs.

  8. Just Jen

    I love how people can check into rehab now with no mention of addiction. They make it sound like they’re just they’re to mediate or something. “Oh, I just need some ‘me time’ to figure out my next step.”

    Being a whiny, bitch-ass woman beater isn’t something that can be rehabbed, as far as I know.

  9. J-Sin

    AHA! @ that Robin line.

  10. It’s good to see that no matter what leanings people have here, Chris Brown’s shitheel behavior can unite us all.

    • I hated this bastard even before the Rihanna beating. When he tried to sing and dance to, and subsequently destroyed MJ’s Thriller, I knew he was a colossal prick. I just didn’t realize how much of a prick he was. Stephen Hawking has more rhythm to his feet, and that’s without his wheelchair.

  11. Rasputin's Evil Twin

    Can they teach him to communicate in coherent English while he’s there? Sorry, that’s asking too much.

    Maybe they can remove the ugly tattoo of the beaten woman from his neck. I suggest a belt sander and a rasp, maybe a hacksaw if it gets messy.

  12. D.

    Anger management rehab is not going to help him avoid facing the west coast justice system.

  13. Chris Brown Courthouse Washington D.C.
    Hugh G. Rection
    Commented on this photo:

    If Chris Brown has to go to anger rehab, shouldn’t Justin Bieber have to go to pretentious douche bag rehab?

  14. “His goal is to gain focus and insight into his past and recent behavior, enabling him to continue the pursuit of his life and his career from a healthier vantage point.”

    Funny…I thought the goal of going to a rehab was to get clean and sober. Oh dopey me!

  15. I think he’s truly disturbed.
    And has anyone every seen the evolution of ones fame? Some can’t handle it. Ever seen someone on the job finally get an inkling of power and it went straight to their head? Brown, like Spears live in a bubble. They have ‘YES” people all over them 24/7.
    They live in an alternate reality from the rest of us poe folk.

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