Chris Brown Thinks He’s Jesus Now

January 29th, 2013 // 45 Comments
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Immediately after news broke of his fight with Frank Ocean over a parking space yesterday, Chris Brown posted one of his original paintings to Instagram with this fucking ridiculous caption:

Painting the way I feel today. Focus on what matters!

Because you see, folks, Chris Brown being held accountable for his actions is exactly like having nails driven into your wrists and left to hang on a wooden cross for three days until you bleed out. It’s a miracle nobody accused TMZ of just plagiarizing this whole thing from The Bible, that’s how close these stories are. I mean, Christ, how do we even know Chris Brown really isn’t Jesus? What with their similar six pack abs and pubic bones that draw all the boys’ eyes. Who’s to say?

Photo: Instagram


  1. Tronald Dump

    What a shitty artist. This is about half a step up from sponge painting.

  2. alex

    Are those the “Jesus backup dancers?”

  3. A “down low” wannabe thug can only piss so many fellow hood rats off before someone pulls a Biggie Smalls on his ass.

    Im giving him 9 months before he’s shot. With a bullet, not a load.

  4. Frank Burns

    Ah yes, I remember well the passage from the Bible where Jesus beat the crap out of Mary Magdalene when she read a scroll sent to him by another female. And this means Rihanna is Mary Magdalene right? It would make sense, as the Bible does describe Mary as “adorned ‘neath her rack with a ridiculous, appearance-ruining mustache tattoo”.

  5. The body of Christ!
    Sleek swimmer’s body, all muscled up and toned…

  6. Self-awareness might be the most cruel thing you could wish upon this guy.

  7. Tom Cruise's Magical Penis

    Is he painting that he feels like Jesus? Or that he feels like nailing some half naked guy?

  8. CK

    Does anyone else suddenly have a craving for bacon?

  9. I’m pretty sure my five-year old made this exact painting last week in school. Except Jesus was the right color and had arms.

  10. CK

    He DID put a little too much effort into those abs, huh?

  11. Wow, Chris Brown really sucks as an artist…take that however you like.

  12. Jonathon

    Maybe he meant that he is focusing on Christ, because that is what really matters. You pricks.

  13. So in his world, there should have been three Jesus’es murdered? And the one mega-Jesus gets to wear the green crown?

    Seems like an absolute waste, after they spent all that time on their Abs.

  14. Michael_D

    Considering this was done using MS Paint…not bad

  15. I just spit all over my screen laughing at that “painting” oh my god

  16. Is it just me or did CB draw a penis on Jesus’s chest? Look for the balls underneath his right armpit next to his middle ab.

  17. Calm down, he painted it with his penis.

  18. If you are not good at something, you should not do it and let the world know.

    If you could not be 100% certain that you could walk into a church and you nor it not burst into flames, then you should not be painting Jesus.

    Fuck off Chris Brown.

  19. ThisWillHurt

    So many things wrong with this painting. Why is a black man painting Jesus white when we all know he’s black? Why does everyone’s beard not match their hair? Why does Jesus have a green crown of thorns and the other two have red sweat bands? How can Jesus be so ripped without a gym and only eating bread and fish? Why is the cross breaking? Why does the wood have eyes? Why is his clothe so close to his dick?

    As your art teacher, I give you an “A” for effort and an “F” for go fuck yourself.

  20. Juch

    Its not actually biblical, its from Chris Brown’s new book, “50 Shades of Gay”.

  21. Jade

    Poor SissyChrissy. Everyone is picking on him for being a douchebag violent 12 yr old, so now he has to resort to claiming he’s being crucified. Yeah, I really feel sorry for the adult thug who gets in fights every day over stupid shit. Poor guy.

  22. Schweddy Snatch

    Who knew that Jesus took a Dirty Sanchez? Chris Brown, that’s who.

  23. Pat C.

    Don’t you know anything? He didn’t hang on the cross for three days – they took them down at nightfall the first day because next day was Passover.

  24. mouse

    I bet even Jesus wants to knock this fuckin guy’s block off.

  25. Aggie

    Jesus hates you, Chris Brown, and he’s not even real.

  26. Chris Brown always thought he was Jesus.

  27. ben dover

    what the fuck is happening to hip hop, they used to shoot each other for a dis, now they are fighting over parking spots?
    What pussies

  28. Burt

    I can’t stop laughing. A grown man painted that? LOL!!!!!

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