March 18th, 2014 // 37 Comments
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“Why do all these words say ‘Punch Rihanna until the demons stop?’ Seems strange for a legal document…”

For those of you wondering what’s taken me this long to cover this, you’ll be surprised to learn that I didn’t hire Photo Boy for his speed and efficiency in mopping up gallons of semen from around my desk. But that’s neither here nor there because Chris Brown is finally in jail for being a violent fucking moron that can’t keep his hands off women. TMZ reports:

The judge said Chris had an “inability to stay out of trouble.” Hizzoner was especially concerned at a statement Chris made at the rehab joint, “I am good at using guns and knives.”
So Chris will sit in jail until April 23. The judge wants Chris in the slammer until a D.C. jury decides if Chris committed criminal assault in an unrelated case. That trial is set for April 17 and should only last a few days. It’s unclear if the judge will let Chris back to attend the trial.
The L.A. judge will hold a probation violation hearing on April 23, and if Chris is convicted in D.C. he’s in big trouble. Worst case scenario … he could be sentenced to 4 years in prison for violating probation in the Rihanna case. One of the conditions — obey all laws.
TMZ broke the story, Chris was booted from rehab Friday for violating three internal rules at the facility — most significantly … violating a rule specifically for Chris — stay at least 2 feet away from every woman in the facility. He was seen touching a woman’s elbow and hands.

Of course, the amazing part of this story is that it took this long for Chris Brown to land himself in jail which is clearly where he’s been trying to go for the past four years. “I beat the shit out of Rihanna, broke a window on Good Morning America, started a fight with Drakein public – joined the Bloods, punched a gay kid. I mean, Shit, what’s a mothafucka gotta do to get sent to prison and be free to be hisself? Damn.”

Photo: Getty


  1. JimBB

    You do realize he’ll be out again before the ink dries on the court order, right?

    • He’s been in there for at least 3 days now and he has to be there at least until the end of next month, so no, he is not getting out before the ink dries on the court order.

  2. This is how I imagine his first day going.

  3. Gustav Tranquil

    I’m hoping Chris and Manuel can be cellmates, and get that romance they have been denying each other going. Sometimes closeting makes an man so angry he beats women, or professes love to a hippopotamus

  4. Gustav Tranquil

    sorry, Chris and Kanye.Damn this autocorrect system!

  5. MD2020

    For the last two words in the title, am I supposed to sound them out in my head like Rocapella did when somebody caught Carmen Sandiego?

    Because that’s what I’m doing.

  6. Cock Dr

    He is such an ugly motherfucker, inside and out.

  7. This guy is nothing but an animal. He’s right where he belongs.

  8. – joined the Bloods, punched a gay kid…

    You left out “throwing a rock through his mother’s car window during a counseling session in November”.

  9. Inner Retard

    Could we do the same for Justin Bieber? He’s also been working so hard for this very goal. If we don’t help him we can throw the “No kid left behind” slogan right out the window.

  10. Mort

    Is anyone else alarmed by his facial hair pattern? I’ve never seen anything like that.

    • Well, not since Michael Jackson literally powdered his face with iron filings and pube hair trimmings.

      • where would MJ have gotten access to pubes?

      • HOW many brothers in the Jackson family, again?

        Seriously, he had facial hair back in the Thriller days, so you gotta figure something would have grown in down south, because puberty. Laser treatments can remove a beard, but believe me when I tell you that the decision to have a laser manscape one’s junk is not a wise one.

        And fuck you for making me go there; I now need brain bleach and a lot of liquor and drugs. There goes another otherwise productive afternoon, shot right to hell.

      • I really don’t find lasering one’s junkyard to be that far out of realm of shit MJ was up to. Didja see his face anytime after ’89?

      • Fuck yes, and his necrotic nose with the implant showing at the tip is the stuff of nightmares.

        But there’s a lot of difference between opting to carve your face up under anesthesia and deal with postop pain with vicodin and the like, and lasering your dick and scrote to be hairless. First off, ever had a bad sunburn there? Triple it for laser, but instead of just getting that effect from lying n the sun, imagine someone snapping a large rubber band all over your genitals every quarter-inch or so, because even with a numbing cream that’s what it’ll feel like during the procedure. Fun times! Also, if there’s swelling afterwards, and there often is in really *ouch* “tender” areas, there isn’t enough vicodin in the world that would make that an attractive proposition when the more traditional shaving/trimming options still exist- especially if it meant…um…down time (Christ, you really forced me to go there, didn’t you?) away from his favorite pursuit, or possibly a decrease in performance levels.

      • Hmmmm…Vicodin you say?

  11. Bringbackbabalu

    Chris Brown keeps it realz, you

  12. Bringbackbabalu

    Yo even~

  13. This is not true. Celebrities don’t go to jail.

  14. I can only hope that this is a sign that Beiber and Lindsay Lohan end up in jail. But then I remember that while they are celebrities, they are also white… and then I sink back into depression

  15. He is going through life enraged at women for not being men.

  16. Rihanna Bikini
    Commented on this photo:

    Fap Fap Fap

  17. Rihanna Bikini
    Commented on this photo:

    I’ve noticed a lot of celebs have the hands of someone twice their age. From working out with weights and keeping the body fat low?

  18. Rihanna Bikini
    Commented on this photo:

    I would totally put it in her butt.

  19. Rihanna Bikini
    Commented on this photo:

    While Eddie Murphy back there imagines that the exhaust of his jet ski is Rihanna. Or Rick James.

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