The Superficial | March 18, 2014 - 12:07 pm

“Why do all these words say ‘Punch Rihanna until the demons stop?’ Seems strange for a legal document…”

For those of you wondering what’s taken me this long to cover this, you’ll be surprised to learn that I didn’t hire Photo Boy for his speed and efficiency in mopping up gallons of semen from around my desk. But that’s neither here nor there because Chris Brown is finally in jail for being a violent fucking moron that can’t keep his hands off women. TMZ reports:

The judge said Chris had an “inability to stay out of trouble.” Hizzoner was especially concerned at a statement Chris made at the rehab joint, “I am good at using guns and knives.”
So Chris will sit in jail until April 23. The judge wants Chris in the slammer until a D.C. jury decides if Chris committed criminal assault in an unrelated case. That trial is set for April 17 and should only last a few days. It’s unclear if the judge will let Chris back to attend the trial.
The L.A. judge will hold a probation violation hearing on April 23, and if Chris is convicted in D.C. he’s in big trouble. Worst case scenario … he could be sentenced to 4 years in prison for violating probation in the Rihanna case. One of the conditions — obey all laws.
TMZ broke the story, Chris was booted from rehab Friday for violating three internal rules at the facility — most significantly … violating a rule specifically for Chris — stay at least 2 feet away from every woman in the facility. He was seen touching a woman’s elbow and hands.

Of course, the amazing part of this story is that it took this long for Chris Brown to land himself in jail which is clearly where he’s been trying to go for the past four years. “I beat the shit out of Rihanna, broke a window on Good Morning America, started a fight with Drakein public – joined the Bloods, punched a gay kid. I mean, Shit, what’s a mothafucka gotta do to get sent to prison and be free to be hisself? Damn.”

Photo: Getty