Chris Brown Needs To Go Away Already

Chris Brown punched the hell out of Rihanna with a closed fist, slammed her head against a the passenger window, and tried to push her out of a moving car in 2009. It’s been legally documented. That happened. Nothing he says or does after that should go without taking those actions into consideration.

That being said, he’s promoting his new documentary Chris Brown: Welcome to My Life and trying to seek half-assed reconciliation with ‘his side’ of the story. Somewhere between interviews with his famous friends like Mary J. Blige and DJ Khaled talking about how awesome of a musician/father/person Chris really is, he finally addresses the elephant in the car that he beat the shit out of.

Apparently Riri was upset that night that some side-chick Chris used to bang/probably still was banging was being forward with him at Clive Davis’ Grammy party. Most girlfriends get mad about that kind of stuff, after all. From E!:

“I remember she tried to kick me, just like her beating s–t, but then I really hit her. With a closed fist, like I punched her and it busted her lip. And when I saw it I was in shock, I was like, f–k why did I hit her like that?”

Um, because you’re a piece of shit with anger issues who thinks it’s ok to go bareknuckle with your girlfriend who calls you out for banging other chicks? But no, you’re the victim here, bro- go on…

He continued, “From there she’s spitting blood in my face, it raised me even more. It’s a real fight in the car and we were driving in the street…She tried to grab for my phone, and I’m not giving her my phone, to throw it out the window.”

Man, here I am thinking Rihanna didn’t deserve to almost die under your hand and you finally change my mind! How dare she try and go for your phone to call the police! You had that situation under control, broski! Stay up, playa – I hope your documentary is very well-received!

You may recall earlier this year when Karrueche Tran, Chris’ last girlfriend, scored a five-year restraining order when a court found him guilty of LITERALLY all the same shit. The dude has had multiple chances and morons keep giving him money- I’m done. I’m too flustered with this and now I’m sweaty and I need a fresca.

Hopefully the next time I have to cover him, it’ll be because he quit music and went to live in the woods for the rest of his life like Randy Quaid. Isn’t that where Randy Quaid has been? Is there a way to send the same aliens that are after Randy Quaid to go after Chris Brown? Where my illuminati readers at!? Get at this guy!!